Why I Cry.

Matt is very 35 and very married.
There's a fancy title for what Matt does- "Computer Graphics Professional".
Matt is the part time/full time stay at home dad to feisty twin boys.
Matt can see into the future after the seventh beer but keeps it a secret so as not to upset The Balance.
Many women think they've known Matt, but they don't know shit.
Matt likes a good sandwich.
You've got trouble with the local constabularies? You call Matt- he carries a lot of weight in your town.
People like doing Matt favors because he asks nice. There might also be subtle, implied threats that must be taken seriously.
Matt voted blue in a red state, but he's more pink on the inside.
Matt was one of the lesser known heralds of Galactus, but didn't like all the traveling involved.
Only God knows where you're going, but Matt knows where you've been. But don't worry- Matt doesn't judge. Much.
Back in the day you could leave your doors and windows unlocked at night, but then Matt walked in and peed on your bean bag chair that one time and you've been paranoid ever since.
Dan Rather once called Matt "a heroin addicted draft dodger". Where is Dan Rather now? Mopping up at the peep shows, that's where.
Matt knows all the finest people and all the best places. He'd tell you about them but he wouldn't want you embarrassing him socially.
You don't know it, but powerful people are conspiring to take away your freedom. Matt is working hard to make sure that doesn't happen.
Matt will bend over to pick up a nickel on the street, but a penny is not worth his time unless it is really shiny.
He tries to be humble, but when you smell as good as Matt does it's hard not to brag about it.
People say Matt spends too much time in the bathroom. "What could he be doing in there all this time?" they ask. Well, it's not crossword puzzles, that's for sure.
He'd carry a cell phone, but then people might call. Matt can't have that- oh no.
Matt's seen many unusual things crammed into various human orifices during his stay in Thailand. He's not proud of that, even though he paid extra for it.
Old ladies the world over love it when Matt calls their church sponsored Bingo games. He does have a certain flair for it.
Matt is the sort of person that will smile to your face because he knows he cut the brake lines on your car.
Matt will give an inch and take your virginity.
Matt plays touch football with underprivileged children. He never lets them win because he doesn't want them going through life thinking that people will just hand them things.
Because he has many enemies, Matt often employs ex-convicts looking for a break to drive his car around town disguised as Matt to confuse snipers.
Matt will tell the truth only when it suits him, and you hate him for it.
Mothers and dogs love Matt, fathers and cats are undecided.
Matt eats greasy cheeseburgers served on the backs of expensive prostitutes. When asked why, he just says, "They taste better that way."
Matt loves all children except yours.
Matt is the world's foremost expert on the subject of high stakes poker, but he never talks about it. NEVER.
Matt enjoys taunting the police with grotesque public displays made from the entrails of his victims.
Matt likes sunflowers, but isn't crazy about the seeds.
Matt chews with his mouth open.
Even though his jump shot needs a lot of work, Matt's too busy signing autographs for all the ladies to care.
Matt plans on going out with his boots on and a gun in his hand, like a cowboy.
Dark gods across the universe call upon Matt for favors when stuff needs to be done right.
Matt likes your lunchbox and will steal it if he gets a chance.
Politics hold no interest for him, but 68% of Americans would vote for Matt to be the next president.
Matt finds asian girls mysterious and complicated.
He knows that the clock is ticking, but Matt doesn't know where the bomb is.
There has never been a good hit song recorded for Matt, but many shitty ones are played on the radio every day in his name. You have probably heard all of them.
Johnny Carson once called Matt "the most tender lover I've ever had." Carson lied about this, Matt never met the guy.
Matt buys the most expensive gas he can because he thinks he gets better mileage with it. That's, of course, incorrect.
True story- everyone who has ever slighted Matt is now dead, all by natural causes.
Matt will charm the pants off your woman without even trying, so you'd better watch out.
Matt's favorite television show was "Airwolf", and he feels there has never been anything good on since.
Matt carves the initials of obscure soccer players into library tabletops with a shiv he made in prison.
Red is Matt's favorite color, but not for the reasons you think.
Matt would do your mom if she'd have him, but she won't so don't worry about it.
Matt's sense of balance is super-human, he has never once fallen down.
Matt prefers the term "pal" to "chum".
Believe it or not, Matt is here to help you.
If you look deeply into Matt's eyes, you'll know terror.
Matt will do a dance for a quarter.
If time allows, Matt will read you a bedtime story.
Matt appreciates your concern, but would appreciate it more if you'd just fuck off.
He knows you can't kid a kidder, but Matt tries all the time anyway.
In 1968, Matt pulled himself out of the gutter and made a big splash in the fashion industry. He'd still be there if people like Al Gore didn't conspire to keep him down.
If Matt were in charge things would be different, and Tony Danza would still be alive.
Matt has gut-shot every man he's ever heard utter the phrase, "nice beaver".
Don't rule out the possibility that Matt is sitting outside your house right now, because he loves you. Also, don't rule out the possibility that he may be playing with himself, because he loves you.
Mars is a planet Matt would like to visit, as long as you were paying for it.
Matt looks like a million bucks, which isn't as impressive a sum as it used to be.
Don't invite Matt over to watch movies, because he will never leave.
Matt writes the most beautiful poetry in the world on post-it notes and then swallows them.
Matt shaves all the hair on his body twice a day like clockwork because he has nothing better to do.
Matt can't get enough of himself, and that includes in the bedroom.
Once upon a time you could look a man in the eye and take him at his word. Not anymore. You can thank Matt for that.
Something unexpected happened this one time and pudding came out Matt's nose, which was weird because he wasn't eating pudding. He wasn't even all that surprised. This pudding thing just really blindsided him.