Is it strange that my wife has absolutely no interest in what I write? I mean like, none whatsoever.

I admit it is oddly liberating, but maybe I should worry more.

Tags: IGNORE ME! What?

...but where the hell is this "Torino" they keep talking about on my TV? Is it in Nevada?

Tags: What?

I had a single minded, heart-aching crush on Amanda Pays in her Max Headroom days. I spent much of a summer at art school holed up in the library scouring fashion magazines for pictures of her which I would tear out and defile myself with animal aggression to later. I could not help myself, she drove me to absolute distraction by merely being alive. I only tell you this because I feel that Amanda Pays stands up very well to this day as a high quality object of hopeless teenage fanboy desire- beautiful and brainy, a female in control of any situation, a woman who demanded attention from her presence alone. Not at all like, say, Heather Thomas circa "The Fall Guy", for whom I rubbed myself raw for just because she had great cans. No way- Amanda was the whole package, the voice, the eyes, the accent, that thing that hot British girls do when they want to laugh at something but instead smile demurely as if to say, "I'll laugh at your jokes, but first you've got to earn it, boy." I suppose it cheapens this tribute to also mention that she had amazing, teenage-boy's-life-changing knockers. Wow. Wow.

Amanda Pays is now 46, has been married to Corbin Bernsen since 1988, and has four kids. I'm glad for her.

Tags: What? Pictures Good Times Pretty Girls

Today should be the last day of crushing work overload, the show bozos get on a plane in the morning. The show we're getting prepped for is the C.H.A. show in Vegas, which stands for Creative Hobby Assclowns, or something just like that. I've never been there, but they tell me it's huge. All I know is fourteen hour work days and sick teething babies make daddy cry. Fucking eye teeth- it's like non stop screaming all night. Eli Roth should shoot his next torture porn flick here*.

Tomorrow back to regular work overload, which will be met with joyful dancing and a six pack of Miller Lite.


* Addendum: as I was putting in my contacts, I realized the title should be "Hostel II - The Circumcision".

Tags: I Am Professional Movies Booze

Can't wait to get the folks going to the goddam trade show next week on the friggin' plane. Art department is BRUTAL before these things, and this has been a back-to-back. After I help with bath night and get the kids to bed I've gotta go back in again. Might not make it this week. I'll sure make a pretty corpse, though.

Anyway, this morning on NOGGIN the best Blue's Clues ever was on- the one where Steve does his Elvis impression for the last ten minutes. He knocked that shit out of the park! Instant "Save Until I Delete" status on TiVo. We will never delete.

Someday the kids will see some old Elvis footage on the History Channel or something and ask, "Hey- who's that guy ripping off Blue's Clues Steve? He sure is fat!"

Tags: I Am Professional T.V.

My brother came up with a serviceable theory as to what happened to all our skunks.

There's this new Dunkin' Donuts being built around the corner from us. It's not your run-of-the-mill Dunkin' Donuts though- it's this super special experimental one. I guess the chain is building four of these concept stores around the country, and for some reason Euclid gets one of them. Up until now that reason was a mystery, but Zach thinks it was because somebody high up in the Dunkin' Donuts Corporate HQ is deathly afraid of skunks (or perhaps is tempted to rape them, we couldn't decide), and hand picked Euclid for the futuristic new Dunkin' Donuts store because it was one of the four towns in the US that agreed to murder all their skunks.

That's the only thing that makes any sense.

Tags: What?

As you may have noticed, you've been directed from my old temporary webspace to my new fancy URL. I'll keep the redirect page up on the other site, but save yourself five seconds every time you visit me and bookmark this now! Also (and I hope this is the last time for a while), you'll once again need to reestablish an RSS subscription, since the feed is on a whole new server. Again, I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not.

I'm no sorry liar.

Tags: Internet

Tyler doesn't say too many words yet, but his favorite by far is "Daddy". I have to admit it's really cute, all high pitch on the first syllable "DA..." and then into the drawn out "...deeeeee!!!"

I think it would be even cuter if he weren't always greeting the dog when he says it.

As for the other one, people say that they hear Casey say words occasionally, but I think that's all just coincidence. Not that he's not chatty, he made up his own little language very early on and he will stand up and deliver very bombastic monologues with it. We are slightly alarmed that his speeches are almost a perfect impression of a very young Adolph Hitler sprechen from der Reichstag or something; arm stiff out front; hard stress on the very guttural words, the works. As far as we know he has not plotted the rise of any master race yet, so hopefully it is just a phase.

Tags: Kids Pictures The Home Front

Since Dee brought up the totally sad fact that she has all Journey's records on vinyl (something she should never, ever tell anyone ever again, even if it isn't true), we should discuss the fact that they had really cool album covers. But not nearly as cool as Asia's. Check these things out! I think they had some other ones too, but for most of these I believe they never actually recorded any new songs for. They just shipped empty album covers. Nobody complained as that was all anyone bought these records for anyway.

Tags: Tunes Pals Internet

They were like a silent army of stinky ninja assassins lurking around this town, owning the night for the first seven years we lived here. Every single night reeked of foul skunk ass in the neighborhood. Couldn't let the dog out after dark without first inspecting the yard with a flashlight for malodorous critters with malice on their minds. This year? No skunks. Not just less- none! What the hell happened? Can't say I really miss them, but maybe I should feel bad for them. I fear there was some sort of skunk holocaust, but nobody talks about it because we all like to be able to go outside at night and let our pets out in the yard. I might be sharing the guilt of some horrible crime against nature by my silence! I will be silent NO MORE!

Or maybe I'll keep my yap shut, I haven't decided.

Tags: What? Good Times The Home Front

'Cause without change humanity is no greater than the rocks on the moon. I'm testing things, and I'm taking you along for the ride! WOOOOO DOOGGGIIIEEEE!

Tags: Testing IGNORE ME!

The freebie theme I was using as my site here was only about 65% pretty, which left a whole lotta ugly. I'm no good at math, but that's more ugly than I was willing to put up with in my extraordinarily attractive life. I don't know much about HTML or nothin', but I really wanted things here to conform to my wishes. AND I HAVE DONE JUST THAT. It took me like three hours to figure out how to change three lines of code so that 1.) the content copy was a little smaller and tighter- it was a bit horsey before; and 2.) the links didn't have that obnoxious blue box behind them, just nice underlines for smooth reading. SUPER. I'm a freakin' force of nature! Zipadeedoo! CSS- I dub thee "bitchcake". Go fetch me a beer and make it snappy or I'll change a default web-safe typeface on your sweet ass. That's right.

I also figured out how to switch out the built in mountain graphic and just have my picture there, so I seem much less the loser and far more awesome and cool. I'd say about 90,000 percent cooler, by my calculations.

Tags: Testing Internet

I'm still trying to figure out the whole XML/RSS feed thing, so if you subscribed to the RSS link before, you might need to do it again as I changed the filename. I'd say I'm sorry but we both know that would be a lie, now don't we?

Tags: Testing IGNORE ME!

• The URL which this site sits is most likely temporary. I have some other things in the works, and this thing is part of that.

• I hate the term "blog", so I won't use it. To me it is a very ugly and graceless word, like "pus" or "Donald Trump".

• You'll notice, especially if you have a slow-ish internet connection, that the logo graphic of my own cranky baby face I have in the upper left corner of the page is actually covering a picturesque mountain landscape. This was the graphic that came with this particular template, and templates are not easily editable in this program. Therefore, I just covered it up. Lame? Yes. Especially for one who claims to be a "computer graphics professional". I should say that I am a computer graphics professional with very little time or energy to make up his own website. Hopefully that is changing.

• I am writing this to get back in the habit of writing. As many of you most likely know, I used to post a lot over at the BuffyGuide, but then came the babies and more work & responsibility. Had to quit the fun stuff for a while. But now I'm finding I have a bit more free time and a jones to type words again. Fun, eh? EH?!!?

• I know what brings the traffic, so without further ado- some baby pictures.

Edit: I have figured out how to do some rudimentary edits on this template! So no more mountain photo. Next, I'm gonna try making the link type not have that blue background. Not a fan of that.

Tags: What? Kids Internet I Am Professional Pictures

Here I set this thing up with the full intention of flooding the market with daily updates, and then the world went all kablooie on me and shit needed done. Who gets the call when shit needs done? Me, that's who. I carry the shit doing stick, which is what God used to dig canyons and stuff like that. "Shit Doing Stick" is the lamest name ever for any tool, but it was named by the Almighty, and who am I to mess with that? He'd be the first to admit He isn't good with making up names for things.

Okay, enough of that. I'm here to today to talk about Journey, which (for you children out there) was a very famous rock band (a so-called "supergroup"!) back in the late 70's through the mid 80's. They did some stuff after that which was all horrible, so people my age pretty much just pretend the band died in a plane crash somewhere outside Topeka in 1986. These guys were so frickin' huge they even had their own Atari game in '82 called "Journey Escape", perhaps the lamest Atari 2600 title ever produced. That's really saying something, especially if you were one of those suckers who shelled out 50 bucks for the E.T. game.

Anyway, I don't want you to think I'm some huge Journey fan. I appreciate bigtime their '80's cheese factor, which is completely unparalleled. I was one of the seemingly billions of people who bought the Journey Greatest Hits CD when I was in high school, which like several notable greatest hits collections* didn't actually contain their only good songs. (Note: the following contains iTunes links) Those songs, of course, are "Stone in Love" and the classic 2 song arc, "Feeling That Way/Anytime". Even with these glaring omissions, this CD is one of the biggest selling disks of all time, and from royalties alone Steve Perry is able to swim naked in piles of money every morning like Scrooge McDuck (which always bothered me- wouldn't he get some sort of metal poisoning from always being immersed in filthy gold coins?).

But here's the thing, see- I have this joke. It's my big running gag, the one that I have had going for fifteen years. The one I will see pass on into perpetuity through my progeny. Journey gets played a lot on the radio, even to this day. Tune into any adult contemporary or lite rock station & you're bound to hear some shitty Journey song sooner or later. 80's Flashback Weekend? You better BELIEVE there will be Journey. Don't stop believin'! (TEE-HEE thud)

Whenever this happens, be it in the car or at work or during some lame wedding reception, when any Journey song starts playing I turn to whoever I'm nearest- friend, wife, stranger, random hitchhiker, grocery store clerk; doesn't matter; and I say, "It's about time they played something good."

I don't care if we've been listening to the voice of God doing spoken word poetry being backed by a chorus of angels all day- if "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" comes on I'm saying to somebody in a loud voice, "It's about time they played something good."

Look, this may not seem funny to you, but that's just 'cause you haven't heard me do it like a thousand times. Trust me, over the course of a lifetime, by the 800th or so instance I look over at you and say "It's about time they played something good." when that shitty piano heralds the beginning of "Open Arms" you'll laugh your ass off. Or you'll roll your eyes while I laugh my ass off. Whatever.

But the first time I hear lil' Tyler or tiny Casey say, "It's about time they played something good," when we hit a Journey classic on the iPod will be the proudest moment of my entire life. My heart will grow two sizes that day, I swear.



*I'm looking right at you, Cars Greatest Hits. No "Bye Bye Love"? No "Moving in Stereo"? "Cars Greatest Hits" my fucking ass.

Tags: What? Tunes Good Times Kids

A couple months ago I'm driving downtown to my in-laws to drop off the kids before I put in some face time at work. It was probably around 10:30 in the morning or so. I decided to drive up to an ATM so I could buy cheeseburgers later, and there was one sort of on my way to the freeway. There was a short line of cars, so we waited.

This lady walking by in the parking lot starts staring at my car. Like most everybody in that area of town she was black, but unlike most of the residents of Euclid on "that side of I-90" she was dressed very nicely in a professional looking suit, made up, looked like she took care of herself. Probably about 40, maybe 45. She looks my car over real slow, like something bad might happen if she takes her eyes off. She wandered closer, and after it was obvious she wasn't going away, I rolled down the window, which startled her, and asked if there was something I could help her with.

"That's a real sharp car," talking about the silver Element my kids made me buy. "Real sharp. What year is it?"

"Thanks- it's a 2004."

"Uhh-huh." She said "Uhh-huh" with a weird nod of her head and a knowing grin, like she didn't believe me. Why I would lie about the year my car was made, I'm not sure. Anyway, obviously not satisfied with my answer, she glanced around nervously like she was looking for an exit, which was also weird because she was, y'know, outside.

"How long have you been at this office? Did they just transfer you in?"

Now I was confused. "Umm... what?"

The well dressed lady stepped a little closer, looked me dead in the eye and said, "You know Scott Carpenter?"

"Uh- I don't know any..."

"Scott Carpenter- at the F.B.I.? You working with him now?"

It took me this long to realize I was talking to a crazy person. Maybe it was the midday hour that threw me off, or perhaps the professional dress. I mean, usually these folks are a lot easier to pick out, what with the teeth gnashing and withering B.O. and whatnot. "Lady, I don't have any idea what you're talking about."

"Uh-huh," nervous glance to the back of my car where the babies are, "riiight."

Then she took off running like I was about to jump out of the car and take her down or something. Which I totally wasn't.

Let's all remember to take our meds, people.


This has been a public service announcement.

Tags: Kids Good Times What?

This isn’t even a cute picture. Okay, a little maybe- but they’ve taken better. They haven’t displayed any of the unfortunate goony looking head problems that have plagued their daddy. But I’m still playing with this computer stuff and this Xmas pic was handy. I must tell you- I am really liking this Apple iWeb a whole lot*- I may ask it to the prom! WAIT- no- everyone I asked to the prom thought I was kidding. “Tee-hee... Matt, you’re so crazy!” and then went and had sex with the soccer team in the school’s groundskeeping shed while I watched MTV all night with my also dateless loser friends and a bucket of ham salad. And bagel chips! Mmm-MM!

Is iWeb as good as bagel chips and ham salad? You bet! But add a little Billy Idol “Cradle of Love” video repeated ten times through the evening and you have quite a race. I don’t know who wins, but I think we all know who the loser is.


*Edit: not no more! This was the one entry I made in iWeb before I went to RapidWeaver. When Apple gets it all together I may switch back.

Tags: What? Kids Pictures Good Times

It's still ON!!!!

Tags: IGNORE ME!

It's ON!!!

Tags: IGNORE ME!

I dunno -we'll see. I really liked iWeb, but there were 2 things wrong with it- one, it saves graphics as PNG files, which are relatively huge compared to same size jpegs. Also, it has no support for commenting, which is a NO! I need to hear from the people! In iWeb's defense, it is only version 1.0, so I'm sure Apple is working out all this stuff. Otherwise, I like how seamlessly it works with other Apple programs like iPhoto.

This is RapidWeaver, I've heard good things. Also bad. I might have to use Haloscan. That makes me

Tags: IGNORE ME!