I just got done with the Photoshop comp for another theater one-sheet. This one is Stuart Little. It's an illustration/photo mashup Tour de Force!

Close up of Stuart illustration


This is what we started with.

This was a real team effort. I did all the work and the kids slept most of the morning to let me. GO TEAM!

Speaking of the team, I believe there is going to be a big ol' twin sized case of Chicken Pox to deal with here. Those boys- they've got spots! Therefore, if you were thinking of finally stopping by for that long overdue visit, the next week or two might not be ideal what with the quarantine and all.

UPDATE: May have been jumping the gun to call "POX!" There are definitely spots though. I call "SPOTS!"

Also- why didn't anyone mention I spelled "Stuart" the "Stewart" way in this post when clearly it says "Stuart" in the artwork I've been staring at all day? Do you like it when I look like an ass? Is that it? Well I went and fixed it, so nyaaah.

Tags: I Am Professional Pictures What?

Tags: What? Pictures

This car was in front of me on my way home from work today. I didn't think you could get personalized temporary license plates, but I guess you can. This sucks because I was so going to order this plate for my Element. I suppose I could just go with my backup idea - "CHRISTICLE", because people like Jesus, and people also like popsicles.

We've been having a lot of fun with holy things.

Tags: License Plates Pictures

Today I'm attempting to be a beeter (I mean "BETTER" that was a funny typo though) friend. Or maybe a beeter friend, I guess that remains to be seen. I attempted to e-mail a guy who was my best pal in college at the last e-mail addy I had for him. No surprise that didn't work, the last e-mails we traded were 6 years ago. Whoops! I think I might try to see if he's current in the alumni records. Wonder what he's up to. FACT: This guy had magic powers with women of which he either was completely unaware or just never wanted to use to his advantage. Maybe he was afraid of going to the Dark Side. Whatever, he was the only guy I ever met who could walk into any bar in town, do NOTHING, and strange hot women would buy him drinks. This was unheard of, especially in a college town. Maybe in sad middle age divorcee bars that sort of thing happens all the time, but in college? I knew so many hot girls in school who went uptown all the time with absolutely no money and come home hours later hammered on all the booze bought by horny dudes or comped by bartenders, but this never works the other way where girls buy beers for guys, it's a rule. Girls don't have to buy guys drinks. But I saw John pull free beer many times just by standing around. It was amazing. We always thought he had some sort of mutant abilities. Not on me though, we were roommates for a whole year and I didn't try to seduce him even once that I remember. We drank a lot back then though, so I guess anything is possible. NO! NOT POSSIBLE.

Also today I registered another domain name. It will eventually supplant mayhems.com as my professional contact URL, if I can figure out some key redirects it may change soon. The new name is "bitmatt.com" . Short, digital-ish, easy to remember- I think it's a winner!

Tags: What? Pals I Am Professional Good Times Bitmatt

We're runnin' her a little thin here, folks- low to the ground, sputtering; we'll get as much distance in as we can before we have to ditch. Just hope we're not over a mountain range or someshit- a nice water landing is what we need. Someplace nice with a pretty beach. And little grass skirts on little native ladies. Beer. Ooh- DOUGHNUTS. I'd smite all of you for a doughnut. Or pizza- thick pizza. Thick as your arm. I like a thin pizza, but I want Court Street Bakery pizza. I wonder if that place is still there? In Athens (Ohio) I mean, they would close on weekends at one in the afternoon, but then they opened back up at midnight with giant sheets of gloriously gooey pizza for a buck a slice. Lines would form outside the door and wind down the sidewalk. Totally worth the wait, it was magic like Christmas Morning except with more cheese and less fake surprise. I would check on the internet for Court Street Bakery's current status, but I sort of don't want to know. If it's gone, I'll be sad, but if it's still there I'll probably also be sad because I doubt they deliver and certainly not to Cleveland within the next five minutes. Was I just talking about crashing a plane? What the hell was that?

I finished up things a little early last night (before 1 a.m.!) so I worked on the mayhems.com site a little. I didn't really add anything, but I made places TO add things. Potential and faux progress! That is perfectly fitting. Unlike these shorts, but I keep wearing 'em, they're old friends.

The keys of my laptop keyboard look like Scrabble squares, except black. They're not concave curvy and sculpted like regular keyboard keys, they're flat. I'm looking at triple word scores like you would not believe. NUM LOCK F6. What's that worth? 5?

Finally it looks like my brother-in-law Nick might have a break in getting full (or at least primary) custody of his daughter from Hallie, that psychotic (just my opinion, not calling names) he banged a few years ago, which is a whole THING just like everything else in my wife's family. The constant drama over there would make Tennessee Williams shake his head in disbelief were he not dead and whatnot. (Did you know he choked to death on a bottlecap? I didn't. How 'bout that?) I try not to get involved 'cause I like it quiet and boring, but the drama is so dense it creates it's own gravity and you just get sucked in. Anyway, I won't backtrack too much because I could type a modern epic here. I'll give you the amazingly out-of-context compendium special edition, the Shock and Awe version. I can do it in one possibly run-on sentence.

Hallie admitted that her mother, Mary, the grandmother who has made it her mission to ruin Nick's life as well as the lives of everyone in his family (and been fairly successful to this point, you'd be amazed what regular calls to various civic agencies by someone who hates you and has lots of free time will do), has been using dolls to teach the daughter, a three year old girl, what penises and vaginas are for in an attempt to brainwash the girl into reporting to authorities that her daddy has been raping her.

There you go! One sentence! Shock-ing and Awe-ful enough? I'm standing on an aircraft carrier in front of my "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner, waving to the international media assembled. Thanks, everybody- we've got those terrorists on the run now, boy! YEEE-HAAWWWW! I've got a flight suit!

Not funny, I know. Sorry. I try not to bring down the room here at Cranky Matty, but my mind keeps coming back to this.


Today's only Tuesday?!? You've GOT to be kidding.

Tags: Good Times Family Drama I Am Professional Lunch

I don't recall ever being quite so gassy before.

I've been going back and forth between Helvetica and Century Gothic for my two super awesome and sooo tiny (but getting bigger every day!) websites. I like Helvetica for ease-of-reading, but Century Gothic has that old-school-design flair, and we all know flair gives me boners. Hmmm... flair...

It's Venture Brothers and then BACK TO WORK FOR YOU!!! I really mean "ME!!!", you can go on and enjoy your evening.

Had the cool fresh taste of Heineken Light yet? It is quite refreshing and doesn't reek of skunk ass like its non-light (or heavy) version. VERILY

I've been using "verily" a lot lately in places that I'm sure make no sense. That's why I'm a genius.

SCROOOOOGE! I believe this is our final. We're up over the thirty Photoshop layer mark, which is more than twice the magic necessary to make reindeers fly. I hold so much power in my hands- I TALK TO PLANETS WITH MY GIANT BRAIN AND ELEGANT LANGUAGE SKILLS

Thanks again Helen!

Tags: I Am Professional Pictures What? TV Pals

Just wanted to say that you all should catch The Venture Brothers tonight, the premier of season 2. It's on Cartoon Network at 10:30 EST. You will be entertained like infinity percent times ten. And after you've seen it and feel you weren't entertained, you actually were and just don't know a good time when it squeezes your ass while standing in line at the methadone clinic. [winks] [shakes] [sweats a little]

Anyway, I can't recommend this show more highly than that, as you can tell. If you don't see it tonight, they'll repeat it. Oh yes my little prairie dogs, they'll repeat.

Tags: Venture Brothers T.V.

Today I was shanghai'd at work by an old customer, a printing company that took all their DTP in-house years ago. We don't do much for them anymore except exchange professional courtesies. This week their typesetter guy is on vacation so they asked if I'd stop by and make some changes on a few jobs they had in the works. No problem, swing by & bill the hour or two. Sure. Well, that turned into an all day fiasco running between my office and theirs trying to do two full time jobs at once. Rotten! Anyway, they have jobs set up on both a Mac and a Windows machine. While I was waiting for something to print I thought I'd log into this site to see what she looks like with good ol' Microsoft Internet Explorer in Windows XP.

Poop. Looks like poop. See, the navigation bar across the top isn't actually supposed to be black- it's transparent. But I guess IE does not support transparency like just about every other browser out there. And the bar is not supposed to be so tall, so in IE it extends too low on the page an crushes my baby head. Also, it should float independent of page scrolling, but in IE it is anchored at the top. Plus there's the fact that Windows doesn't anti-alias type, so all the letterforms look inherently blocky and ugly, so that's always a shock to my (admittedly Mac-centric) aesthetic sensibilities.

When I got back to my office I checked it again on one of the XP machines. Terrible! I'm embarrassed. But then I downloaded a fresh copy of Firefox to that machine, and outside of the no-anti-aliasing issue the site looked just fine. So what do I do? I know that many people who check me out are probably still using IE and seeing an ugly (to me) website. But everyone else sees it as it is supposed to look. Do I change my new theme to something that I don't like as much, but will appear "correctly" to Windows Explorer users?

HA HA that is a funny question. HA HA! Stop using Explorer everyone! STOP. If it were a decent browser I could see why maybe someone would put up with all the gigantic computer devouring security flaws in it, but it has got to be the worst browser available. I know I'm not the only person who thinks this. Deep down, you know it too. Now's the time people! I want to give you something. The Gift of the Internet as it Should Be. No need to thank me, this was yours all along.

Well, okay, you can thank me. But no tongue this time.


For reference, here's what the site is intended to look like. For the record, I mostly use Safari. Sometimes Firefox, which I suspect might be a little better, but the difference is marginal. I don't mean this post to sound like some anti-Windows snobbery. I'm just disappointed that I work to make something look a certain way and not everyone can see it. That's sucko, Johnny. Big sucko.

Tags: I Am Professional Infertility

Got this message from Fabio this morning. No- not that Fabio.

Matt,I think it looks great, but I am not sure it is serving our needs.I think it is way too grey. The only things that pop out are Stephen and the word Scrooge. I would like this to be uber-Chrismas-y. We are selling magic and Christmas. I don't care if it's like Christmas trees and toys and stuff like that. Even the snowflakes can be perfect snowflakes from like a dream as opposed to realistic looking.

That's a bummer to be sure. But in this business you take rejection with a smile or you'll go insane. I was absolutely determined to use Helen's background, so tonight I added some Christmas Fucking Magic with fourteen new Photoshop layers.

GOD BLESS US, EVERY ONE!! MEEEERRRY CHRRIISSTMAASS!!!!

I do admit I like this one better. We'll see what Fabio says. Again, not that Fabio. Yes, there is a different one. A less Nordic (or whatever), more perhaps South American (?) one.

UPDATE: Fabio says, and I quote, "This is delicious!"
Contrary to what you're thinking, Fabio is totally straight. Not kidding.

UPDATE #2: They've just called me with a laundry list of changes, but we're almost there! My next posting of this image will be the final and you can ooh and ahh like crazy.

Tags: I Am Professional

For years I've had an "under construction" message on my other site, mayhems.com. That was a huge lie since I haven't been constructing shit over there. Until now, that is. I finally decided that it was time to put to work some of these many many gigabytes of webspace I've got out there in the ether, maybe make something of myself. I'm getting into event photography- I just got done shooting a wedding this weekend that went EXTREMELY well, and I want to set up online contact sheets and a new design and photo portfolio. My hosting company for mayhem's dot com was this outfit called ADDR.com, which I went with six years ago because they were cheap for the time for what they provided. Back in those days finding decent hosting for under $10 a month was a lot tougher than it is today. Knowing they were real cheap, I was willing to overlook a few service glitches here and there. For the first four years or so ADDR wasn't actually that bad, they had kind of wonky e-mail servers, but the uptime and connection speed were well within my "acceptable" range.

The last two years have been a constant struggle with them. Completely unreliable and inconsistent service, random periods of slow or no connection, e-mail outages that would last for hours. Besides laziness, I stuck with them for a couple reasons. First, the outages weren't that big a deal to me since I didn't have an active site going on their server. I used my space there mostly for transferring large files to clients and for storing various files and proofs that I would direct-link to. Second, I had all my e-mail running through them as well as the e-mail of several friends and relatives, and it's a pain to change all that.

The one thing ADDR always had going for it was their 24 hour tech support. They were always quick to respond no matter what time of day. That was nice until the past year when the service outages started to become more frequent. When I'd mention my site was down again I'd get back the same form response to the likes of, "We're sorry- we are currently upgrading our servers, so there may be a short interruption of service. We apologize for any inconvenience..." blah blah BLAH. After a year of getting told they were upgrading over and over you'd think that something over there would work by now. Anyway, I had uploaded all the color corrected and retouched photos from this wedding that I had worked until 2 a.m. on to get them up by Monday so that people could see them like I said they could, and all day I get "Cannot connect to server" messages. Well, that was IT. I've had it with these knobs.

I'm moving everything over to Network Solutions, which is the service that hosts this site. I've had no problems with them except for maybe their hardball aggressive marketing, but get past that and they've been solid and reasonably priced. The switch has been a most-of-day project, but I think once the DNS change clears everything should be GO and that link I've posted to the right will take you to a site that actually works.

I don't know why I'm telling you this, except perhaps just to tell you that I'm an official Wedding Photographer now too. I've got like ten jobs! A man so pretty shouldn't have to work this hard.

Tags: I Am Professional Internet What?

I know she is because I only work with THE BEST. She submitted two excellent photos for me to use on my Scrooge! project, and I think it is turning out quite nicely. I just now got done with the Photoshop comp, so you're seeing it before the client. They may hate it, but not me- I think it is super bad-ass and cool.

Here's the photo Helen sent that I used:

And here is the World Premier of the Scrooge! promotional image:

Bang-Pow!

Thanks again, Helen- you're a peach. Not fuzzy though. Peaches are fuzzy.

Tags: I Am Professional Pals Pictures

Trying out a new theme-thing. It's pretty spiffy, I think. Please let me know if it is acting wonky for you, 'kay?

-Love you!
Your best friend, Matt.

Tags: IGNORE ME! Internet

You might be able to help me in one of my design projects for FUN and PROFITS!!!

I've got this job for a regional theatre company, my best freelance customer. Among other shows they're putting on this coming season is Scrooge!, which will be their big Christmas family-oriented moneymaker next year. I've got to do the marketing images and brochures, posters, ads, etc. For Scrooge! they want Tiny Tim on Scrooge's shoulder, both gleeful in their newfound Xmas Spirit as they wander the streets in creepy period ecstasy. It will be moving, I assure you.

I have my Tim & Scrooge shot (which I am so glad I got, because this was the only one this kid would smile for), a serviceable logo, but no street. Here's what I've got so far. NOTE: this is basically untouched yet. I still have to do some things, mainly create a chin for Scrooge because they don't want the beard. This guy is an actor and couldn't shave because the beard is needed for a current show he's in.

I need a background! I'm not going to draw London. I'm just not. This is where you people and your cameras can maybe help me out for FUN and PROFITS!!!

Anybody got a picture of an old-looking London street with old-looking London buildings? Could you take one? There has to be lots of those things lying around that craggy old city. Or, it doesn't have to be London, it just needs to be old and English-y. It would be best if it didn't have easily recognizable landmarks or, of course, extremely modern portions that would be difficult to photoshop out. Really, the more non-descript the better, as I plan on blurring the hell out of it and making it look wintery. Oh- also, a daytime shot would be best unless it's nighttime lit by gaslight, which I think is unlikely since I know your time machine is in the shop right now.

Here are some examples of sort-of what I'm looking for:

This last one I'm including mostly for the perspective. If your shot has cars at the bottom like this, that's okay- I can take those out.

Okay, that was the FUN part, now PROFITS!!! Because this is a professional business-type transaction, I'll pay for a useable shot. How does twenty U.S. dollars sound? I don't know what that comes out in England money, like 12 shillings or something (an educated guess- I bet I'm super close). So if you have a shot like this just mouldering away on your hard drive, or can just step outside and take a picture with your phone or Insta-Matic or whatever it is you use for picture-taking, I'll Pay-Pal you bigtime. You will be able to put "Professional Photographer Person" on your resumé.

One thing- I won't be paying everyone who sends me pictures 20 bucks, just one super talented Photographer Person will be getting the cash. So I guess this is sort of a contest, but not really.

If you can help me out, please comment or e-mail me- matt @ crankymatty.com (except take out the spaces. We're so fooling spambots! Tee-hee!). Thanks lots in advance. I think I'll post this over at the WD too, what the heck.

UPDATE: Just wanted to mention that I'm only paying for an original, license free photograph. I could slog through stock photography sites and find something, but I'm trying to avoid paying license fees for something I'm just going to use blurry in the background.


In other news, this morning I stood at the kitchen counter for twenty minutes eating chicken skin. What is wrong with me?

Tags: Internet I Am Professional Pals Pictures

I had heard that the Wendy's restaurants were discontinuing the "Biggie Size" value meals from their menus. The news report I had heard on this led me to think they were doing it out of some attempt to make our asses all less dumpy. No! It turns out they still have the Biggie size, they just call it "medium" now. And the regular, more reasonable (but still far more than any of us need to eat in one sitting) size is now somehow "small" And the Great Biggie? It's "large", which is quite an understatement, like saying Iraq is "problematic". At the drive through photo-menu thing they have beside the speakerbox there's now a picture of all three drink cups side-by-side. I almost crashed into the car in front of me when I saw the "large" cup- it is like the third funniest thing I've seen this year. It's really small at the bottom so it will fit into your car's cup holders, but then it sharply veers out into an expansive bucket for all your giant cola needs. It's easily as big as your head. I remember they were using a container like this to clean up the Exxon-Valdez oil spill. The WHOLE THING.

I don't mean to bag on Wendy's- I looove Wendy's! My Big Bacon Classic combo (small size) was both delicious AND disgusting, just how I like.

MY COMPUTER HAS A CAMERA

Tags: Lunch Pictures What?

I haven't been updating often like everyone would like. Here's my excuse. When I sit down at the big computer, it's to work, not dilly-dally with the interweb make believe people that live in my machine. I imagine you all look just like the blue program people in TRON, except for those of you who voted for President Bush- you're red people. Your world is filled with constant danger, one minute you're in your light cycle dodging hovering tanks and the next you're blocking deadly discuses (discii?), all the while suffering horrible eye damage because apparently your sun is a giant black-lite. Plus Bruce Boxleitner. You poor bastards.

Back in the day I used my kicky lil' iBook for all my funtime goodtouch with the blue and red folks because I could type while sitting on the toilet (as well as other places too of course- DUH, but most noteworthy is the toilet), but that old guy is real tired and hasn't been real useful for much lately. It still runs and stuff, but wow! slooooowww

In continued celebration of this, The Year of Astounding Upgrades, I picked up a new laptop this weekend. It's sleek and black like my soul. I call it BLACKINTOSH because I am so clever and tremendous hilarity! Whoop!

The bad news for you is that this computer will make it possible for me to update this here site "on the go" like Go-Gurt. The also bad news for you is that this computer comes with a camera built in.

Ouch! Our eyes!

Tags: What? Pictures Computer

I totally have no work to do this evening. Yup, just gonna take it easy, kick back, maybe finally post an entry here. After, of course, I get dinner for the kids. Then I have to walk the dog because we don't currently have a yard for him TO POOP ON (news on that in a moment) and get him dinner. Then it's bath time for babies, followed by playtime in their room and then getting them settled for bed. Then I have to water the non-yard (in a moment I said!) and walk the dog again because he refuses to pee in the driveway. Yup, just gonna do nothing and HOLY SHIT IT'S 10:45 AT NIGHT ALREADY MY GOD HOW DO I EVER GET ANYTHING DONE EVER??!?!?

I am the sort of person that rents movies and returns them unwatched because I never got around to it. King Kong sits on my dining room table, taunting me. You know how primates taunt, right? They fling their turds at you. Kong taunty-turds are big enough to knock over grain silos. I'm running out of silos! Dammit monkey!

Looks like I'm going to be a suburban slave. You might know what I'm talking about- those poor bastards who spend hours a day watering and preening their stupid grass on their postage-stamp plot of land so it is more lush and green than their neighbor who is out doing the exact same thing. I swore that I would never become beholden to my lawn because I hate yardwork and I hate keeping up with the Joneses and I'm allergic to all that's green and flowering. But now we have this brand new lawn coming in that I had a landscaping company install partially out of shame, since we had maybe the worst burnt up weedy mess on the street, and partially out of desire to have someplace where the kids could play without getting shredded up by thorns and nettles. Every day I've got my garden hoses and my sprinklers working early in the morning and late in the evening, the symbols of my new indenture to the tiny bright green filaments that are starting to pop out of the muck. I can't stop sneezing. I don't plan on being able to do this as well as most of my neighbors who are all retired and have nothing better to do all day than make their lawns glisten like perfect fucking emeralds in the noonday sun. I must say I'm making lots of friends though. I think it must be like this for women after they have a baby, it's like they've joined some exclusive club and suddenly are friends with all the other mommies and have so much to talk about. I stand out front with my hose in my hand like the chain around my neck it is and wave to all the other jackasses who will also be watering their lawns every day until they drop. I don't like these guys at all. But I can't stop watering, the grass will die!

Baxter can't touch his back yard, let alone pee on it, for like weeks. I've got a run set up in the driveway for him, but that isn't sitting well at all. He sulks all day. {Frowny face goes here.}

Happy! FINALLY my Venture Bros. Season One DVD's showed up from Amazon! They were held up in shipping, and it was just killing me. I will make time to watch these- life can go on hold for a while. This and Veronica Mars are the first teevee shows I've thought enough of that I needed to own them. I'm considering buying Battlestar Galactica too, but probably not. It's fun to watch and all, but I don't think I'll get that much more out of it through repeated viewings. I was really amazed at how much more I caught watching Veronica Mars' first season again knowing the eventual outcome. That show is amazing. Plus I have deep, sticky feelings for Kristen Bell. I was so relieved to learn that she's a 20-something that only plays a teenager on TV, because for a while there I was feeling guilty about the filthy, awful things that I was thinking about her and what I made the naked voodoo puppets I fashioned in our images do. Those puppets- they're insatiable.

Ooooh- in that world where there are no pants and I AM KING OF ALL I SURVEY.

Alternate caption #1: VOODOO!

Alternate caption #2: guh whoaa momma

Anyone heard this song by B.R.M.C.? It's The Balls.

Yes AMY, my kids are fronting an indie rock band. Actually, the fact is that I cut some of their hair like a year ago and by Becky's reaction you would have thought I'd chopped off their fingers. I totally didn't! It was just some hair! Jesus- never again. They will be some shaggy lil' devils.

Tags: Pictures I Am Professional What? Kids Movies Tunes T.V. Veronica Mars Kristen Bell Pretty Girls