I'm going to try to forget the last episode of South Park ("The Return of Chef") ever happened. I suggest you do the same.

Tags: TV

My mother-in-law comes over to watch the kids a few days a week so I can go get some face time in at the office. Someday I'll describe the circus-like vibe all that entails, but for now I just need some info. Amongst Kathy's quirks (of which there are many, some endearing, others not so much), she is a die-hard tea drinker, like English die-hard. She has close relatives in England, so I don't know if this is where she picked this up or if the religious tea drinking came about on its own. The tea thing is fine I guess, she has to pee a lot and we always have to wait around while she has her tea and whenever we go anywhere she drags along this huge sack of teabags, BUT WHATEVER. Here's the thing that gets me- she uses the same mug here all the time, and never washes it. Some days she'll be so kind as to go out of her way and do all our dishes when I haven't gotten to them, but she leaves the dirty, tea-ring stained mug sitting there on the counter. If I let it sit, she'll use it the next time again, without washing it. Or even rinsing it out!

What The Fuck Is That? Is this a filthy british thing? Kathy has, on occasion, attempted to do things "bri-ish" (like not pronouncing "t" in words like "british") because she thinks it's cool or something. Do tea drinkers in England not wash their mugs? Does that add something to the experience? I admit I am not a tea drinker (or coffee either), but I just don't get it.

My kitchen ain't pretty, not by a long shot, but this kitchen is America, dammit! In America we wash our gross tea ringed mugs. I took A.P. History in high school, and I distinctly remember us winning some war in olden times so we wouldn't have to look at disgusting tea stains in our table service. And then we ate all the dinosaurs, which still pisses me off because I want a huge brontosaurus burger like the kind Fred Flintstone got to eat in 1962. I'm not gonna get over that, ever.

Tags: What? Family Drama

A few posts ago I mentioned something about the fact that I don't get a lot of sleep and it's all the babies' fault. I believe I whined "THIS WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL!!!" or something thickheaded like that. In the comments my friend Beth (the not-Merope Beth) said "let 'em scream", which is very valid. Even in the long long ago I had always been of the opinion that letting the little bastards just rip it up until they fall asleep is the best way to go. But, I've got a big problem. See, we have two babies. That itself is not the problem. The problem is that one of them (we'll call him "Tyler") sleeps perfectly. It's the other one (umm, "Casey"? Yeah, that'll work) that wakes up screaming. So, if I let Casey go with all the nightime drama without running in to get him, he ends up waking Tyler and messing up his established and excellent patterns. I know this because we've tried it for a couple two week periods. It always ends up with me being totally exhausted and suicidal because I'm being tag teamed by angry babies all night. We've also tried putting them in different rooms, but Casey is loud enough when he gets going that Ty will wake up anyway. Hence, the status quo. Woe!

But, in related news, I am totally proving my old saying "Sleep is for sissies!" I'M NO SISSY.

Tags: Kids Pals The Home Front

Just do it. Are you saying Aretha hasn't earned your dollar? She's the hardest working portly woman in show biz. And so funky. FUNKY.

Rock Steady.

Tags: Tunes

I wrapped up a project at work half an hour before quittin' time, and since it is Friday and since I like to goof off and get paid (like you don't), I decided, instead of starting the next project, to continue my recent (half-assed) crusade to check up on old pals that I've let go un-checked far too long now*. This has been an only sorta successful campaign, mostly because I am easily sidetracked by life these days. Not to mention how amazingly, incredibly stupid I've become in the last couple years. I've never been under the impression that I was any smarter than anyone (and certainly not most of my net pals, who are some of the sharpest knives in the drawer), but at least I could keep up, you know? These days, not so much. It's actually been very frustrating- but that's another post. A sad post. One that I'll never make, because we don't do sad posts here at Cranky Matty's O.P., we only preach the Truth. The Truth is that I'm feeling very retarded! Maybe I had a stroke that I didn't notice. They hit quick, you know; and not just old fuckers- super young and pretty people like me can be cut down in the prime of life by a debilitating stroke. Billy Squier sang a song about it. You should check that out and take precautions, because you could be a winner boy- you move quite well.

I sent a PM to my (our) friend Chandler, who's real name is not Chandler, but she would not appreciate my revealing her trade secrets here so I won't. First of all, I was afraid that she had disappeared off the board (the Watcher's Diary over at Buffyguide, for those of you who don't know me from there), and that would have been just devastating. She let her very neglected blog dry up quite some time ago, and if I couldn't get her through the BG I'd have to just assume something terrible had happened, because I am a worrier. I'd have to write a letter or something, and Channy lives in Israel. Can you imagine the fricking postage? What, am I made of money, Chandler? Okay, I would have stolen the postage from the meter at work, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. You had me very worried young lady- I hope you'll act more responsibly next time.

As it turns out she still logs into the BG enough so her online persona hasn't been dispatched to the ether. Bitchin'! I sent her a completely trivial and nonsensical PM which I'm certain she will enjoy whenever it is she gets to look at computers in that strange land of hers.

Basically, it just said that I haven't shaved in a few days, and betwixt that and my unkempt, spikey hair I look like I might be prickly to the touch.

That's the message I greet her with after almost no communication in two years. My social skills are just amazing! See all those spots swirling before your eyes? That's your sense of bewilderment! Wooooo! Or carbon monoxide poisoning! GET OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW.

Tonight! I am baby free until at least eleven o'clock p.m. as they are with Mommy visiting the sibs at Ohio State. What to do? WHAT? Thar be TiVo t'be catchin' up on (hours and hours!), and certainly I could do some work as I have Monday deadlines. And billing! I need to bill things for the people to send me money. Or clean- shit is PILING UP. Could definitely clean up. Or I could drink beer and type. Drink and type. Type and drink. That does have a certain appeal.


*Don't feel left out if I haven't included you in my Grand Crusade yet. My Grandness has thus far consisted of a few very desperate seeming PM's to Merope. I guess that makes it more of an Exploit than a Crusade, but "exploit" is a weak little sister of a word. "Crusade" is very George W. Bush-ian.

Tags: I Am Professional Kids Tunes Pals Internet TV

Camera at work.

Tags: Pictures Kids Geekery

Today, for lunch, I ate a hot pocket and three donuts. BANG-POW! I am INDESTRUCTIBLE!

For the record it wasn't a real Hot Pocket™, it was something they sell at my new Dunkin' Donuts which is basically a really fancy hot pocket only bigger. Plus, it was not frozen in the middle and it was not cooked in a dirty microwave (with apologies to Jim Gaffigan).

Here's a closer shot of the now famous Matt's Dunkin' Donuts. I'm probably going to jail for this because they have signs all over the place that say, "PLEASE... Do not take any pictures!" I think it's so they don't give away any secrets that terrorists could use to make tainted pastries. My God, just think of it.

I shot this yesterday with my brand new (SEGUE ALERT) digital camera! In the coming months I have an alarming amount of photography work to do, stuff that actually pays and that I will make money on and that people will hand me checks for. That means "professional" in my book, and my book is better than all your books put together. After three years of struggling to make my Nikon 5700 take decent shots, I just couldn't face going into another job with the uncertainty that pictures would turn out any good. Hell with that- I'm kicking it to the curb. Nikon- you suck. After much research and the activation of my super low APR Business Use Only credit card, I bought a sexy new Olympus E-500 digital SLR. I had considered the offerings of other manufacturers in the price range, but settled on the Oly for a few reasons. The Nikon D-70 was well reviewed, but it turns out that it won't use any of the gear I bought for the 5700 (including the TTL external flash), and there was the aforementioned Nikon Suckage issue. Next up was Canon and their very poopular Digital Rebel (whoops! Did I say "poopular"?), which at least statistically blows away just about everything in the class. Until you actually pick one up, that's when you realize it is built like a baby toy. If I am dropping major cash on a camera, I'm gonna need this thing to last for more than a couple hours. I'm not sure the Rebel makes it out of the box intact. After digging deeper I found that as far as digital SLR's go, Olympus has the nicest lenses available. For people who already own an SLR camera, this is not a great thing because Olympus cameras only work with Olympus lenses (for now), thus making upgrading hard because you'd have to basically scrap all your old gear. Since I didn't previously own another company's SLR and a bag full of old lenses, this was not a problem. I'd rather start fresh with nice stuff that is meant to work together.

And then there is the love aspect. THE finest photographic experience you can have is to go on vacation with an old Olympus C-2100 UZ. Light, fast, a whopping 10x optical zoom ("Ultra Zoom") that is electronically stabilized so even far away shots are always sharp. I got mine when it was new back in 2000, but you can still get them on Ebay. This camera has an incredible cult following, especially among nature photographers. People who use the 2100 simply call it the "Uzi". I will never part with mine, I'm even considering buying another used one just so I'll have another when this one dies. If I could get away with only 2 megapixels for pro work I would never have gotten another camera, but sadly the Uzi isn't great for studio stuff. For everything else though, there will never be an easier to use camera that takes better pictures. It never misses a shot. My much more expensive and higher resolution Nikon did nothing BUT miss shots. Live and learn.

Because of how much I love the Uzi, I went back to Olympus. My hope is to recapture some of that Uzi magic with a professional level digicam. To that end I didn't get the kit version of the E-500 that comes with the two lenses, I just got the body and some different lenses separately. One is a 14-54mm f2.8-3.5, which is faster than the smaller kit lens so it works better in low light situations, which is very important to me. But then I also picked up this badass zoom lens, an 18-180mm super compact beast. Because the E-500 forces 2x on any lens attached to it, the actual focal range of this "Ultra Zoom" lens is 36-360mm, or 10x. That's the same range as the Uzi! It lacks the electronic optical stabilization (Olympus had to discontinue putting that into their cameras because they lost some patent infringement case in court), but since the E-500 is overall a faster camera, the quicker shutter speeds make up for a lot of what that did. And this camera has 8 megapixels to the Uzi's 2!

I think Olympus realizes that a lot of folks are trying to relive old times with this new lens, because I just saw that they have put together a new kit that combines a silver version of the E-500 (the Uzi was silver) with the 18-180mm lens. That's just good marketing.

I've had the new camera a little over a week now- and it is GREAT. Even better since my tax guy says I can write it off on next year's return. WOO! If you're in the market for a very fun to use digital SLR that's very affordable (by D-SLR standards), I think you can't go wrong with the Olympus E-500.

Here's some more pictures! The zebra is not one of my children, but the others are.

Next time on Matt's Nerd Blog we will talk about computer monitors, which as it happens I also had to buy last week. Holy crap, what a wake-up call that was.

Tags: Lunch What? Kids Pictures Geekery

Sorry for the blackout back there, folks. Last couple weeks were rough! Rough like sex with Felicity Huffman. I'm certain Bill Macy is a mass of bruises. Work is maddening and crazy and frustrating and occasionally worthwhile. The kids are killing us with the no sleep tomfoolery. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL. Or if it was it was printed real small and I can't be bothered with that. Lots of things have happened, too much to type here tonight. In the coming days we're gonna have some techno-geek talk as I horrify you with how much money I just spent, as well as some brand new Tip of the Days as soon as I can get my head in an outside the box place.

But for now- a REAL TREAT- our brand new Dunkin' Donuts, shot today at a great distance from the driver's seat of my moving car with people staring at me funny. Let them stare, I got my picture to share.

Tags: Pictures What? Lunch