Wife gets home from the Indians game a little tipsy- had to work the luxury box for some bigshots in town for The Company. Anyway, I'd put the kids to bed a long time before and we're on the couch.

ME: "So, uhh, wanna do it?"

SHE: "Oh, sure."

ME: "AWESOME!" (jumps up, arms up signifying glorious victory)

SHE: "I'm hungry though- get me a bag of Doritos."

ME: (runs, retrieves snack size Doritos)

SHE: "Thanks."

ME: "I COULD TOTALLY OPEN THAT BAG IF YOU WANT ME TO!!!"

Tags: The Home Front Good Times What?

"Waaa! My baby doesn't sleep and I'm miserable! Waaa!" I'm shaking my head disapprovingly right now. Not at you, but sort of about you. You know, like behind your back to all our mutual friends. Because I'm a parent, and while I won't go saying I know everything (like anyone could know everything- c'mon!), I will say that I know that you're doing everything wrong. Oh man- if I shake my head disapprovingly any harder it will flop right off my neck.

Look- my kids- BOTH OF THEM- totally make it through the night until eight in the A.M. without a peep. Perfect angels! Maybe you just need to let that baby scream or something- he/she will fall asleep eventually. That's what we do and look at me... fresh as a daisy and smelling like a cool autumn breeze. And did I mention chipper? God DAMN I'm chipper. You can't see it, but I just did a back flip. That's right. I smell so fucking awesome you wouldn't believe it! It's a healthy, well rested musk I exude. God I love exuding musk! I've gotten so many nice compliments from breathless passers-by. Passers-by in these parts know a good thing when they smell it, and they aren't afraid to tell you all about it. Credit where credit's due and all that. I smell so frickin' good!

COMPLETELY UNRELATED SUBJECT- by some miracle my kids both decided they like sleeping all the way through the night and I only had to get up one time this whole week and that was for only like fifteen minutes. Also, I'm in a short lull freelance art-wise. The long and short is that I got a whole week's worth of solid shuteye and general me-time for the first time in... wait for it.... here it comes.... TWO YEARS. Give or take a month or so. Wow. Wow. Wow. Can I get a Wow? Wow. And I've hardly been kicked or kneed or stomped square in my balls by twitchy babies for almost seven days now. WARNING to all the new dads out there in Tronville, your balls are going to be violently abused by your twitchy babies. They love nothing more than jumping on your fucking balls. Fuck man, I wish I could tell you your balls are going to be okay, but they won't. I'm so sorry. About your balls.

I really seriously considered using my evening freedom me-time to make a couple posts here and shit like that, but I opted to go the super selfish route and rent some movies. Now, I have actually rented a few movies in the last couple years, but what happens is that I go into Blockbuster or wherever and can't decide what I want to see since I haven't seen anything in, well, two years; so I end up renting three movies thinking I'll find time in the forthcoming week to watch all of them. Then I end up returning them four days late and unwatched. Maybe I watch one, but usually I have to spread it out over three or four days in small segments. The horrible irony is that I half-assedly watch my segmented rental DVD's in this elaborate and fantastic movie theater in our basement I spent a lot of money and years of effort on. Now it serves mostly as high-tech romper room for toddlers to watch Elmo and Oscar and Big Bird. Seriously, what the hell happened? I had a lifestyle at one point.

Saturday I rented three movies. I've already seen them all! AND- not one singing puppet in any of them. As a bonus, two of the three were damn fine pieces of grown-up entertainment. One was a piece of shit (Domino), but on a certain level I enjoyed it anyway, because that was freedom shit I was watching.

Speaking of testicle abuse like I was before, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is highly enjoyable, even the ball shocking torture bit. I may be sort of desensitized to that though.

Tags: Kids Good Times T.V. Movies

SIGH. SIGH.


SIGH!!!!!!!

The OBX trip was awesome, and Tropical Storm Ernesto only blew us one day. He was rough and I'm a bit sore. In the end he left like they all do, and all we could do is wipe ourselves off.

The worst part of being back is the underwear; the soft cotton grasp of responsibility imprisoning my privates.

SIGH.

Tags: Kids Pictures Travel