I yanked the link to this Online Presence NOT BLOG off my professional site not because I'm afraid a current or potential employer might get here from there (I don't care), I did it because I think I might want to start telling stories about Becky's kraaaazy family. I'm considering a recurring feature, "Single Sentence Of Drama", which would follow the general guidelines set forth in this post. The only reason I'm mentioning this now is to remind myself why I did it later.

Also I should mention for those interested in The Process, Adobe InDesign is the bomb-diggety. You don't even KNOW! For my current projects I've made the switch from Quark Xpress, which I used for years and years. Now I've got a whole slew of recurring jobs that I always do in Quark that I'm wondering if it would be worth it to redo using InDesign. It's a joy to use. I feel privileged just to be alive in the time of such a program. I'd say "I'm not worthy" except that's a gay thing to say and everybody knows that I'm the worthiest (most worthyful) ever.

Tags: I Am Professional Bitmatt Internet Computer

First, my right eyelid keeps twitching. I can't make it stop, it's been doing this on and off for a week. Very distracting. What's up with that? People probably think I'm winking at them inappropriately - I am not! And then I tell them, "Hey- no matter what you're thinking, I am not winking at you." They say, "Uh- I didn't think you were winking at me." I think they are lying to me and reply, "Okay, but I'm not. Winking. I'm not winking at you. Now, I mean." Them: "Okay. Whatever." It's all very awkward. Why do all these people keep lying to me about not thinking I'm winking at them? That's so weird! I've learned many things by reading the Q&A pages printed on the backside of the centerfold in Playboy all these years (not the girl's backside, the back side of the- oh never mind), and the most important thing is that Playmates are totally turned off by liars.

Second, today we can't get radio streams via iTunes or access the iTunes Music Store over the network here at the day job. I've been checking various Mac-related forums and news sites, but nobody else seems to be having this same problem, or at least nobody is bitching about it. What's up with that? I suspect that our building's router might need to be reset to open up whatever network port iTunes uses to access the net, but there's a sales meeting going on in the room where the router closet is and I don't want to explain to those guys that I'm resetting the otherwise perfectly working internet because I can't stream NPR and I'm bored. Plus they will think I'm winking at them and I'll have to go through the whole "I'm totally not winking at you" thing again and that joke is getting very old and tired.

I think I'm going to jump on the blogosphere bandwagon (I debated in my head a good twenty seconds whether or not I should put "blogosphere bandwagon" in quote marks before I decided I'm a jackass) and put links in the sidebar to other people's blogs. God-DAMN I hate the word "blog". Anyway, I came to this idea because I discovered this thing where I can see that some of my hits come from other blogs that have mentioned or linked to mine, and I thought that was sorta cool. The downside is that I don't really read many other people's blogs. It's nothing personal- you know I love you- I simply don't have a lot of time normally to stay up on things. Now, if you would be so kind as to add some girl-on-girl pornography (the real thing, none of that poser stuff) or offer free iPod nano's or something, I'd be there every day. As we stand I just get around every once in a while, and if you're lazy like me and only update every once in a while then it works out perfectly and I never miss anything. However, if you're one of those that update two or three times a day or write posts that take more than thirty seconds to read, well, I get behind. MY BAD. I'm a terrible pretend internet person in your computer pal. Every couple of weeks I'll go check out Dee's LJ or The P@rix, but I totally admit that I often just read the last entry or skim a few lines here and there. Even Annika, whom I'd take a bullet for (leg or shoulder, please- NO FACE, buttocks okay), updates too often and with too many words for me to follow right along with. Not sure where I'm going with this except to say I'm a bad person and to make it up to you I'd stick your link over on the side over there––>. I've seen other people do that, it seems to be very popular. Let me know via comment or e-mail and a link shall be yours. Also, as a bonus, it will look like I read all those blogs religiously and I have so many great friends that I just have to let everyone know about! I'm such a hub of internet social assemblage! Like MySpace except with fewer pedophile predators!

Okay, the same number of pedophile predators. But with better spelling skills!

I'm not winking!

Tags: What? I Am Professional Internet Computer Pals

I'm trying out this new public beta of the program I make my sites with, RapidWeaver. I'm going to make this entry, save it, and hope nothing explodes. In case something explodes, tell my wife and kids I love them, okay? Promise me!

Yesterday I was going to take advantage of the holiday off by trying to get a freelance project or two done. I have four deadlines this week! Eek! Eek! Instead of doing that, however, I ended up renting a big plumber's snake (or "drain router" as they're calling them these days) to clear the clog in our outside plumbing which was causing the five inch deep lake to form in our driveway and garage after the deluge that came down the night before. At the time I was major league grade-A pissed off that I had to do this (homeownership is a bitch), and I'd be way more upset about this turn of events right now if I hadn't gone and fixed that stuck drain! FUCKIN' A RIGHT I FIXED IT!!! These things hardly ever work, but after a couple hours of me jamming and twisting this electric rotating springy coil down one drain hole after another until it grabbed something it could chew, suddenly there was success! My garage and driveway flushed like a damn toilet! FLOOOOSH! Hundreds of gallons of water came blowing through the pipes at ludicrous speed. I was running around and screaming like I just ripped a gamewinner in the sixty-first minute or whatever soccer terms you want to insert! I was coated in sewage- heck, I probably still am, but who cares? Not me! I fixed the drain!

When I returned my rental, there were a couple guys pulling up to the Home Depot at the same time I was to return their rented snake. One of them, a really beefy handy-looking type, saw I was bringing back my snake and asked, "Did you get it?"

I said, "Hell yeah I got it! I'm a BAD MAN. You get yours?"

He said, "Nope." and looked sad.

I said, "Aw man, sorry to hear that." I thought, "SUCKER!"

Tags: Good Times IGNORE ME! Internet Computer What? The Home Front

I haven't been updating often like everyone would like. Here's my excuse. When I sit down at the big computer, it's to work, not dilly-dally with the interweb make believe people that live in my machine. I imagine you all look just like the blue program people in TRON, except for those of you who voted for President Bush- you're red people. Your world is filled with constant danger, one minute you're in your light cycle dodging hovering tanks and the next you're blocking deadly discuses (discii?), all the while suffering horrible eye damage because apparently your sun is a giant black-lite. Plus Bruce Boxleitner. You poor bastards.

Back in the day I used my kicky lil' iBook for all my funtime goodtouch with the blue and red folks because I could type while sitting on the toilet (as well as other places too of course- DUH, but most noteworthy is the toilet), but that old guy is real tired and hasn't been real useful for much lately. It still runs and stuff, but wow! slooooowww

In continued celebration of this, The Year of Astounding Upgrades, I picked up a new laptop this weekend. It's sleek and black like my soul. I call it BLACKINTOSH because I am so clever and tremendous hilarity! Whoop!

The bad news for you is that this computer will make it possible for me to update this here site "on the go" like Go-Gurt. The also bad news for you is that this computer comes with a camera built in.

Ouch! Our eyes!

Tags: What? Pictures Computer