Here- this is what I put in the letter to a whole mess of people:

Friends,

It is with great enthusiasm that I tell you about my intention to become a full time freelance graphic designer.

As most of you are aware, I've been essentially working two jobs for ten years now; and in the last three added the extra burden of two kids. This has taken a huge toll on me. The time has come (probably a long time gone, actually) for a few changes. I've been investigating some potential opportunities, originally with the goal of eliminating the freelance work and putting my full creative energies into a regular 9 to 5 schedule. The job interviews I've had have been terrific and worthwhile, and I thank all those folks who gave me their time. In these interviews I would stress the experience I've gained and work I've done as a freelance designer. Inevitably, the question would come up, "Obviously you like the freelance work- why don't you just do that full time?" I never had a very good answer to that question.

After thinking about it for a while, it seems like a pretty easy decision. I never really wanted to give up the freelance work, I just thought I needed to for my own sanity and physical well being. Of course, all this time it was the excellent clients and fun work I do for them in the middle of the night that has kept me going, and realizing that I could actually do this stuff during the day has been liberating.

Long story short- got projects? I'm your guy. Thanks for everything, you're all great. I look forward to hearing from you!

So that's that then. Obviously, I did not get the Step2 gig; I lost out to (I suspect) a female. During my otherwise spectacular interview there, she did mention that her ideal candidate would probably be a woman to replace the one that left in order to maintain the balance of her department. Had I been hired it would have been 4 dudes and one chick in there, and they do a lot of toys for little girls. The Step2 lady did say I was definitely the #2 choice, and to keep in touch, blah blah blah. That was a bummer, but only for a little while. Because then I decided that working for other people is for suckers! Do I look like a sucker to you? PLEASE OH GOD DON'T ANSWER.

I'm going out on my own. BUT- I get to ease into it. I'm gonna cut back to 2 days at the current day job & keep my health insurance. I have no startup costs outside of advertising, since I have been collecting all the necessary tools for years. I have zero overhead beyond what I already carry. I have a solid client base with lots of growth potential. There's all sorts of upside here people! Why do you look so concerned? Stop it! It is unnerving!

And LOOK! The New Jan Brady!-

OOH! BUSINESS!!!

And a new look website that I demand you go to and see IMMEDIATELY. Please? Granted, it is much like the old website, but with the new logo and color scheme, as well as a shifted focus. By that I mean I added the desperate (but very fancy) HIRE ME! button, which changes it from being the portfolio site to the HIRE ME! site. This is actually sort of an in-between website at this point, it will get the job done until I get the new one going.

Scared? Me? Nooo. YES! A little. But I didn't just jump into this decision without doing a little math first. Without trying to sound snotty I'll tell you that I do pretty well money wise in the freelance market. My rates are posted over at the site if you're curious, I guess there's no secrets there. Up until now this was just sort of a well paying hobby. I didn't have either the energy or the client base to build it into anything more than that. However, I've recently picked up some more work from another theater company (it seems non-profits are a really solid niche for me), and between them and some heavy projects that are available from current clients that until now I haven't had the time to take on, I have a head start. But the math is crazy. I can make so much more money and work far fewer hours just by picking up a few more regular freelance jobs than I ever have killing myself at this day gig followed by allnighters. And I don't think this will be all that hard to do, since I've never solicited work from anyone ever before- all my clients have come to me from word of mouth alone. Just by posting some stuff at coroflot or craigslist and distributing some of my bitchin' new rack cards I made up I know I can pick up new work fast. Hopefully most will continue to come via personal recommendations. Those are the best sorts of customers- the chances of them paying are much MUCH higher than some jerk off the street that I don't know anything about. OH! I HATE that guy.

Woooo. To get all this going though, I'm going to be a bizzy frickin' bee for a while. I feel I need to collect some big checks and get ahead a little before I can cut back to two days at this job. Or, perhaps someone will lead me to their Pot O' Gold and I can just do whatever I want. I'm thinking allnighters for a few months is more likely though. Ouch. If I seem extra grouchy it is just because I've gone insane.

But enough of this. Here's what you came here for- my song recommendation! It was really tough narrowing it down because The Black Keys have put out so much quality material lately (I highly recommend the new album Attack & Release, and I never buy whole albums anymore), but I think this one works- If You Ever Slip. It is on the soundtrack to a movie I've never heard of & will never see. I'm sure it's awesome.

Another one? Okay! (Don't Speak) I Came To Make A Bang by The Eagles of Death Metal. It will be the song that plays whenever I come to the plate in all my Major League Baseball games. The crowd will really get whipped up! I'm your Fabulous Weapon!!! I guess this song was also featured in a movie I have not heard of and will never see but am sure is awesome as well.

Speaking of songs- I think it is a bad sign of being too old when the tunes that you used to play during sex in college are now the tunes that your kids fall asleep to. Mazzy Star just isn't the same. I can't tell you how depressed this makes me.

Let's see- TV? Sure. LOST is tits, I think we went over that a few posts ago; 30 Rock is the best comedy ever, seriously- we aren't worthy to watch it. The Venture Brothers is set to start up again in June (and NO I won't watch the five minutes of some new episode that is posted online. I can wait.). Battlestar Galactica (that's BSG for those of us in "the know" wink wink you nerd) is strangely uplifting because no matter how awful I feel about anything I know the poor douchebags stuck out in the void crammed into that big iron brick have it way worse. Those are the shows I watch. Oh yeah! South Park. Duh.

IRON MAN! That's gonna be good, yes? I've heard some things.

Now, Jesus Plates. I should point out that I do not post images of holy license plates to poke fun. Much. I am just very fascinated, that's all.

The sticker on the upper right reads "HARD CORE JESUS FREAK". That is completely badass.

And I believe that brings us to the end of this entry. Thanks for tagging along, you're all the shiniest people I can find.

PS- OH SNAP! I forgot to tell you about The Hermaphrodite! That is a whole fucking THING you have GOT to hear. Next time I promise.

Tags: I Am Professional Blog Resurrection Hold me- I'm scared License Plates

The interview I had at Step2 was TREMENDOUS!!! Verily! They are a big company... a big toy company. It's in a big beautiful corporate facility. You walk in to this new steel & glass building and there's a big ol' reception desk (complete with receptionist) and big ol' lobby area; and there's phone's ringing and people in suits walking around purposefully- all like you'd expect to see in the building of a big company. But then you look around and see that there are toys everywhere! SO GODDAM COOL! I feel like I grew up and became Tom Hanks.

The woman who interviewed me (and would be my boss) was just too nice, and we hit it off immediately. The work is fun! Marketing and labeling and decorating and branding and packaging of toys. You know- for the kids! And not shitty toys either, really nice toys. Did I mention they make toys there? HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!? And they have fun company stuff, like dart tournaments at lunchtime and on-the-job bowling parties. Dental!

It would appear the job is mine if I want it. She told me she has a few more interviews scheduled, but then told me I'd fit in perfectly and we started negotiating salary. So I think I'll get an offer.

The commute is an issue. 40 minutes on the nose with no traffic. However, it is way, WAY out of town- I'd be going the opposite way rush hour traffic goes. Also, there's the kids- gonna have to do a lot of juggling there with my family.

But this place is dreamy. They make toys.



BTW: I'm posting this from Fatburger. My keyboard needs a real good hosing now.

Tags: I Am Professional They Make Toys!

This morning I got a call back on my voice mail from Step2, which is a company that produces rugged high end plastic toys and stuff for kids. We have a Step2 wagon that is totally boss. The kids like it plenty and it has a cup holder for my beer when we're at the zoo. It's perfect, and makes a great Halloween costume.

CHOO CHOO!

I was really excited when I applied for this design job two weeks ago (it seems right up my alley), and then disappointed when I didn't get a call back like the next day. Seriously people, I'm an incredible superstar! I don't have time OR PATIENCE to be waiting around for phone calls! Little did I know that large companies probably take a little longer to get around to call backs than tiny companies do. I've never worked at a big company before. But, I'm up for this job now so it's all good. The biggest drawback to the Step2 gig would definitely be location. They are in Hudson, which is about 45 minutes to an hour away. That's not a big deal as far as commutes go, but when you figure I'm already using $60 bucks worth of gas a week now just with all the extra driving we have to do for all Casey's school and therapy & junk, it is significant. I'd have to rearrange some stuff- maybe my Mom can do some more pick ups or something, but if the job's good we'll do it.

I guess I should expect a call from American Greetings too. I applied for a job there the same day as the Step2 posting. I was really shocked that AG didn't respond immediately, they are notorious talent vampires. But, they are also a big company. With an atrium covered food court! I heart atriums and food. Also courts!

Tags: I Am Professional Kids Pictures

I went from being not too particularly busy to being the most popular girl at the prom all of a sudden. That's typical. Also, haven't felt particularly funny or interesting for a while. You're all better off without any sort of news outta me when I get like that.

But I had to break my hiatus for a whole hot mess of reasons, not the least of which is that I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW ON MONDAY EEEEEEEEEEEEE.... (breathes) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!! Now, I realize that some of you have had many dozens of these things over the years, and some of you may be people who conduct such interviews. You're going, "Uhh... I really doubt it was worth typing all those capital E's for." Maybe true. However, know this: I have not ever held another post-colligiate day job other than the shitty one I have now, and that one had been lingering for 14 years. I did go through a couple interviews for other jobs like 10 or 11 years ago, but those jobs were either just as bad as this one, or paid less than this one, or some other nagging inconvenience that made this shitty job not as awful in comparison. But I've been out there now man, got the big freelance portfolio and a somewhat fancy website that shows it off okay. Time to be moving on. Okay- it was time, like, a decade ago; but here we are.

UPDATE ALREADY BEFORE I EVEN GET TO PUBLISH THIS POST... Here it is Tuesday already. Interview went pretty well, it's a nice gig in a nice office with a nice small business to business marketing/PR company. The boss is this kindly grandfather type, we got along gangbusters. Location is 12 minutes from home, which of course is spectacular. I think there's probably gobs of cash to be made there, they have a well established big corporate client list that loves to spend money on stuff they think they need. However, the forthcoming job offer (which I'm fairly certain is forthcoming) had better be mind blowingly awesome or I'm not gonna take it. The work is pretty dry. Lots of formatting of data and laying out forms & templates to exacting standards, lots of PDF publications that will never see a printing press. LOTS of HTML based email press releases. The guy who I'd be replacing was really good at that stuff, but laying out catalog grids for industrial use puts me straight into a coma. I think the boss wants to add some punch to their somewhat staid offerings, and my website says POW! Naturally he thinks I can bring some fisticuffs to the job and knock some shit out, but I dunno- there may not be nearly enough POW! to be had there. So, probably not.

I applied for an Associate Art Director position at Ohio Magazine today, and that thing seems more in my wheelhouse.

Man, this post has been hella lame. I have lots else to talk about, but I should probably just hit "publish" or I'll never get this thing up. I guess I should post a picture or something just to make this excruciating blog comeback somewhat worthwhile. Umm... here.

WOOO FRANCE... FUCK YEAH!!!

Maybe more later. Or perhaps sleeping later. Yep! One of those.

Tags: I Am Professional Hella Lame Fake pictures from France

It should be noted that I started this more than a week ago, and here we are, gettin' it done.

1. Great day in Autism! We've been having some minor breakthroughs in communication with Casey-Bean over the past few weeks. Nothing huge or particularly noteworthy to anyone but us and his therapists, but good nonetheless. Until today that is! While Bean was playing blocks with Ty-Ty, Becky and the in-home therapy person, he started counting them with actual numbers! You had to kind of know what you were listening for, it wasn't a clear "Six-Seven-Eight..." thing, more like "Isss-Ewehh-Eeehh..."; but from what I am told he started at six and went all the way to fifteen. Becky was super happy the therapist was there to hear it too, because sometimes it is easy to hear him utter some random noise and assign some meaning to it, even though it was really nothing. Like yesterday when he was throwing a balloon around yelling "BA-BA-BA", Becky insisted he was saying "ball", but he says BA-BA-BA a lot with no balls around to speak of, so I don't think so. Or that time I swear he said, "If the cast of MTV's The Real World truly exhibits the moral and social depths of character typical of young America today, we have nothing to worry about. Our future: COMPLETELY SECURE. What a remarkable set of go-getters they've assembled once more." I immediately shouted into the kitchen, "Honey- Casey's making sarcastic remarks to the TV again!" She said he was just blabbing nonsense, but I heard what I heard.

Anyway, he also may have correctly defined a block as "yellow", and also identified another as "circle". It is a cylinder of course, but people yell at me when I correct autistic children. Fine. Close enough.

I swear- it is our "close enough" attitude that gets us into trouble. "How closely linked is Iraq to terrorists?" "Close enough!"

2. Tyler news to not leave him out! He is now saying "please" (the magic word) occasionally without being prompted. This is huge, it has been like extracting teeth from an angry badger.

3. Amazing New Feature! Up there at the top you'll note there is a new thing on which to click, it is a new grand experiment! "Right Here, Right Now" is a photo gallery that will be updated often. I will be utilizing new technologies to do this, namely the internet and a camera. If you've not heard of these things yet- don't worry, you will. Gonna be big. I also predicted Star Wars would be a major hit when I was five years old, so my track record here is quite good.

Gadget side note- the reason I'm psyched about this new feature is because the iPhone can update this gallery on the go; just take the photo, add a caption & send it on its way from anywhere. I can post from the phone, but not unpost from the phone (currently). This will lead to many embarrassing photos posted whilst drinking, so I'd check back often, or at least before I get around to editing the gallery from a computer later. Fun! Right now there's several day's worth of crap there I've posted while testing things out. Here's an RSS feed too, but you don't get the pretty transition or download options that way.

4. Project update! Got the theatre brochure job back from the printer, came out great! There's usually a bit of a let down when I see a print version of projects because the print versions rarely have the vibrancy of the images on screen. Not this time though- thing POPS! That's nice. Here's the cover:

Want to see the whole thing? PDF version here. It's all flattened out, so you have to imagine it folded up.

5. It's only 2-1/2 weeks until OBX vacation! Little later than usual this year, hopefully we won't get chased by a goddamn hurricane. But because we're rolling the dice & going to the Outer Banks in the heart of hurricane season (and after the start of school), the rentals are dirt cheap. We always stay in a fairly nice place there, but this year it's like a fucking beach palace. HUGE. Completely ridiculous, especially since it will just be we four and my parents. But if I'm going to ride out a hurricane, I want to do it in style while watching a flat panel TV in each room. I'm going to sleep in a new bedroom every night. There'll probably be pictures.

6. Speaking of travel- this weekend we are ditching the kids and heading to New Jersey for a wedding- one of my old high school chums is gettin' hitched. We're gonna stay an extra couple days and hit the Big Apple- Becky's never been, and I've been there once like fifteen years ago. I hope to catch a glimpse of He-Man doing something heroic. If that happens, there'll be pictures. Hey Amy- is Mendham close to you?

7. Important TV News! I found Heroes just entertaining enough to overcome its more annoying qualities (which are numerous). Every time I thought I'd give up on it they introduced some plot twist that kept me coming back. Won't be so tough to keep my interest next season though- Kristen Bell has signed on for at least half the new episodes. And LOOK! Since I typed The Name, I get to post a hot picture. That's the rule, I didn't make it up. ALL THE PLAYAS IN THE HOUSE SAY YEAH!

YEAH!

Tags: Pictures Gadgets Autism Kids I Am Professional Travel Kristen Bell TV

I mentioned in a previous entry that I had to do a new Scrooge! image for another run of that show for the second year in a row. They wanted something like the last one, but different. If you'll recall, it was our good friend Helen who was able to furnish me with a background image to which I added Xmas Magicks for the final. Well, Helen has outdone herself once more, and here's how it works. In this entry you'll take a journey into the murky fog that is The Process. Hold on tight to someone you love, it'll be a bumpy ride. NO GROPING. There are cameras everywhere.

First we begin with Scrooge himself. Check out my awesome lighting gear! This shot is being taken on the set of another production, that's why all the ramps & stairs in the back. The client is very anti-face this year, so Scrooge is walking away from us. Into what? We don't know yet! Well, you don't know. I know damn well what he's walking into. I don't know why I said "we". Sorry.



Helen supplied me with several angles, but I ended up using these two shots.


All the people MUST GO! All the shadows MUST GO! Lots to do...


The first comp of the big elements. The buildings had to be squashed and mashed and pulled and sliced until they fit into the layout. Helen supplied very hi-res images for me, which is handy because you'll note that I'm only using small portions of them (especially the right side of the street). If they were smaller resolution they'd look all poopy when blown up, but these are nice. I touched out all the people & umbrellas & crap for the tourists. The lame cobblestone floor is a closeup of my neighbors asphalt driveway distorted to mimic the perspective.

That's all the tough stuff. Now, just hit the "Xmas Magicks" button in Photoshop...


POW! That was easy!

So now I've given you all you need to know to be a Computer Graphics Professional making many tens of dollars. It is worth noting that the above image isn't final, I'll probably be adding some more Xmassy crap. But I need to get some feedback from the client, so this is a good spot for stopping.

With that, GOOD NIGHT.

Tags: I Am Professional Pals

Amy is, as always, correct- my decidedly non-Disney Balou was decidedly undead-looking. We can't have blue zombie bears scaring the kids. So, a quick darkening of the eyes and POW! Back to life! I AM ALL POWERFUL. You guys are very lucky to know me. Onward and upward now- I have to do a new SCROOGE! this year again. I'm looking forward to the shots my professional photographer colleague Helen is gathering for me.

In other news, my Cleveland Cavaliers are messing with my work schedule with all their being in the NBA playoffs and stuff. How the hell am I supposed to GET THINGS DONE and NOT DRINK GALLONS OF BEER while this is going on? Impossible. Verily.

Tags: I Am Professional

I haven't posted a work in progress in a while- so here's one. I need to add some jungle ferny stuff in the foreground all blurry like and some loopy viney stuff in the back. I did one with the kid's face in it, but they weren't sure what the actual kid they were going to cast for the role would look like. My contention was that he wouldn't look like a cartoon no matter what, so who cares? But they care a LOT.

BEHOLD WITH MY CAPS LOCK DOWN!

Tags: I Am Professional

Well, I wasn't.

This is just a quick hit to tell you about the shiny changes over at bitmatt! Check it out and marvel at the shiny.

Now I'm going to fall into a coma for a little while.

Tags: Internet Bitmatt I Am Professional

You may or may not be aware that there was a pretty bitchin' snowstorm around these parts early this week. It was quite an ass-kicker, but we survived. There was a victim though- the phone & internet has been down at the day job since the snow hit and probably won't be back until next week. It's sort of like working in a well lit closet. No communication of any kind with the outside world. My boss has been freaking out because of all the phone & internet orders we're missing, but my paycheck doesn't change, so I couldn't care less. I'm enjoying the quiet & getting some shit done for once. Not being able to surf the net, listen to NPR out of Boston or even send an e-mail has been a drag, but that's a small price to pay for not having to talk to all the grinks and groinks who usually hassle me.

The hot sauce guys pay really fast! I billed out three illustrations on Monday and got a check yesterday, and that was with the post office being closed a day while we all dug out. Love those guys. I already showed you the girl-on-donky action in a previous post; here's the other two drawings I did for them (just to show these guys aren't only about girl-on-donkey action):

Therefore, today I bought $700 worth of tires for the Element. VERILY! On a related note- the tires only cost like $550, the rest was in taxes and fees the state of Ohio adds in. Holy Crap. Ahh well, I guess I'll be using the tires to drive on Ohio, so it makes some sense.

I've determined I'm going to take an unofficial vacation from freelance art for a while and free up some evenings for a some sorely needed living. You know- watch a little teevee, drink a little beer, post some crap on the internet, maybe grope the wife a little. Not simultaneously, I'm a great multitasker but there are limits to my powers.

And ooh! I could take some of this time to gear up for a job hunt. That's right, I am going to look for a new job in the spring. I think. I'm a lot of big talk, so we'll see how it goes. Anybody hiring? I'm only half the degenerate that I pretend to be- honest!

Tags: I Am Professional Pictures What? Car

I'm in my favorite local (sort of) bar, boozing it up all alone on a Saturday afternoon. Becky's got the kids in Columbus visiting the sisters and I'm left to my own devices today. Also, in bigger news, I'm all caught up with work. I stayed up until three every night this week and just DID IT. My last thing was a new illustration for the hot sauce guys. Somehow these two mega-italian dudes (real characters, I like them a lot, plus they pay fast) who needed a label illustration for some hot sauce they invented got my name & I drew a three-quarters naked girl riding a donkey for them a year or so ago. Evidently the sauce for which I made up this illustration for has won some awards and is quickly becoming very popular. So much so that they contracted me to do illustrations for four other new varieties, as well as a new variation of the original girl-on-donkey drawing that will be reproduced huge and mounted on the back of a bus they just bought to travel around the country in. Fun stuff! Here's the new art if you're curious-

You might be thinking that this girl's feet are impossibly tiny. That's because the hot sauce guys have absolutely no interest in feet. Boobs? You bet. I recall several conversations the first time I drew this- "This is really great. Really. But, uhh-" "Let me guess, you'd like to see bigger boobs." "YEAH!, I mean, yes, the boobs could be bigger."

Yay! My pizza just came. BRB-

Okay, I'm back. A few things about Mark's Time Out Grille, the bar at which I currently sit. First, it never seems like it should be the right place to go, but invariably it is. I don't know why exactly, there are a few closer places I like just fine, but something is always wrong with those places. It's not like I get out a lot, and certainly almost never without the wife & kids, so I've learned not to take any chances when it comes to sitting someplace drinking by myself. The music here is never something I would pick myself, but it's always just right, They just played the whole first disc of Billy Joel's greatest hits, most of which I haven't heard in a long time (mostly because I was never that big a fan). I must say that old Billy (as opposed to the "new" Billy songs that came out after 1982. God I'm old) sounds better every year as pop music becomes more soulless and generic. Can you believe that these were "pop" songs when they first came out? Weird. Another thing- they are totally disregarding the new Ohio law that says there can be no smoking in public buildings. At all. Under Penalty of Law and fines and public stoning and all that. But there are people lighting up all over. I actually voted for that law (which I regret now because it's a fascist hypocrisy and a lot of businesses are hurting because of it) because I don't like to smell bad when I get home. But, for some reason, Mark's wouldn't be right if I didn't smell bad later. So that's all good. AND- the pizza is excellent. No lie- some of the best around.

I've been on internet hiatus since basically October, so I've missed a few things. Mostly boring things. Xmas was good, except that Becky bought WAAAAYYYYY too many toys for the boys. I was actually mad at her for it, but not because of the money- toddler toys really don't cost very much. It was just so much stuff, they'll never play with it all. They aren't even into opening presents yet, so Becky spent like three days wrapping all the presents and she & I ended up opening all of them as Ty & Casey jumped on couches and spilled apple juice. Casey especially couldn't care less about any of the new stuff, he liked the abacus that was the very first thing we opened for him and still hasn't played with any of the other crap. And all the new toys take up so much room in our house, you can't walk anywhere anymore without tripping or breaking an ankle on something plastic that was made in China or India or Mexico. I have broken five ankles since New Year's. Of course, Becky was upset with me because I was upset with her, and words like "SCROOGE!" and "YOU HATE CHRISTMAS!" were thrown around, but whatever. I have a feeling that no matter what agreement we come to before Xmas about a limit to what we're getting the kids, it will be egregiously broken by the wife every year, so I guess it's best not to fight it.

In October my brother & I took sort of an impromptu long weekend trip to Florida to visit our grandparents. I drove the whole way from Cleveland and back. That was a lot of driving, but I'm a creature of the wheel on these things. We could have flown, but it was cheaper to drive, plus we needed an excuse to come & go when we wanted. I love my grandparents, but a little goes a long way, know what I'm saying? They aren't getting any younger, and we felt we needed to get down there when we could. It was a good trip overall. Here's a picture I got from their neighborhood-

THERE'S FLORIDA!

I had written a whole long thing about how awesome and transcendent the Fiesta Bowl with Boise State beating Oklahoma was, but then my program here crashed and I lost most of it. I'm not the only loser here though, NO- it is you, dear reader, who is the biggest loser now. But, shit happens and I apologize for nothing. It was a really inspired paragraph, though. Lots of drama and whooping like an idiot and whatnot. Oh well.

Now it's Tuesday and I'd better post this thing. I leave you with the Xmas present I made for the grandparents this year, click this for the Tyler & Casey 2006 movie. I was trying to embed it into the actual text here, but I haven't got that worked out just yet. So, it's a 28mb QuickTime link for YOU! Might take a while to download. Patience....

Tags: I Am Professional Pictures What? Good Times Lunch Travel Sports

I yanked the link to this Online Presence NOT BLOG off my professional site not because I'm afraid a current or potential employer might get here from there (I don't care), I did it because I think I might want to start telling stories about Becky's kraaaazy family. I'm considering a recurring feature, "Single Sentence Of Drama", which would follow the general guidelines set forth in this post. The only reason I'm mentioning this now is to remind myself why I did it later.

Also I should mention for those interested in The Process, Adobe InDesign is the bomb-diggety. You don't even KNOW! For my current projects I've made the switch from Quark Xpress, which I used for years and years. Now I've got a whole slew of recurring jobs that I always do in Quark that I'm wondering if it would be worth it to redo using InDesign. It's a joy to use. I feel privileged just to be alive in the time of such a program. I'd say "I'm not worthy" except that's a gay thing to say and everybody knows that I'm the worthiest (most worthyful) ever.

Tags: I Am Professional Bitmatt Internet Computer

First, my right eyelid keeps twitching. I can't make it stop, it's been doing this on and off for a week. Very distracting. What's up with that? People probably think I'm winking at them inappropriately - I am not! And then I tell them, "Hey- no matter what you're thinking, I am not winking at you." They say, "Uh- I didn't think you were winking at me." I think they are lying to me and reply, "Okay, but I'm not. Winking. I'm not winking at you. Now, I mean." Them: "Okay. Whatever." It's all very awkward. Why do all these people keep lying to me about not thinking I'm winking at them? That's so weird! I've learned many things by reading the Q&A pages printed on the backside of the centerfold in Playboy all these years (not the girl's backside, the back side of the- oh never mind), and the most important thing is that Playmates are totally turned off by liars.

Second, today we can't get radio streams via iTunes or access the iTunes Music Store over the network here at the day job. I've been checking various Mac-related forums and news sites, but nobody else seems to be having this same problem, or at least nobody is bitching about it. What's up with that? I suspect that our building's router might need to be reset to open up whatever network port iTunes uses to access the net, but there's a sales meeting going on in the room where the router closet is and I don't want to explain to those guys that I'm resetting the otherwise perfectly working internet because I can't stream NPR and I'm bored. Plus they will think I'm winking at them and I'll have to go through the whole "I'm totally not winking at you" thing again and that joke is getting very old and tired.

I think I'm going to jump on the blogosphere bandwagon (I debated in my head a good twenty seconds whether or not I should put "blogosphere bandwagon" in quote marks before I decided I'm a jackass) and put links in the sidebar to other people's blogs. God-DAMN I hate the word "blog". Anyway, I came to this idea because I discovered this thing where I can see that some of my hits come from other blogs that have mentioned or linked to mine, and I thought that was sorta cool. The downside is that I don't really read many other people's blogs. It's nothing personal- you know I love you- I simply don't have a lot of time normally to stay up on things. Now, if you would be so kind as to add some girl-on-girl pornography (the real thing, none of that poser stuff) or offer free iPod nano's or something, I'd be there every day. As we stand I just get around every once in a while, and if you're lazy like me and only update every once in a while then it works out perfectly and I never miss anything. However, if you're one of those that update two or three times a day or write posts that take more than thirty seconds to read, well, I get behind. MY BAD. I'm a terrible pretend internet person in your computer pal. Every couple of weeks I'll go check out Dee's LJ or The P@rix, but I totally admit that I often just read the last entry or skim a few lines here and there. Even Annika, whom I'd take a bullet for (leg or shoulder, please- NO FACE, buttocks okay), updates too often and with too many words for me to follow right along with. Not sure where I'm going with this except to say I'm a bad person and to make it up to you I'd stick your link over on the side over there––>. I've seen other people do that, it seems to be very popular. Let me know via comment or e-mail and a link shall be yours. Also, as a bonus, it will look like I read all those blogs religiously and I have so many great friends that I just have to let everyone know about! I'm such a hub of internet social assemblage! Like MySpace except with fewer pedophile predators!

Okay, the same number of pedophile predators. But with better spelling skills!

I'm not winking!

Tags: What? I Am Professional Internet Computer Pals

Got the big project off to the printer! Still lots to do, posters, postcards, ads, web graphics, blah BLAH BLAH but the hard part is D-U-N done! Two nights in a row I got seven hours of sleep! Brain... spinning up to speeed...

MY COMPUTER HAS A CAMERA

Expect more regular entries for a little while. By "little while" I mean "until the next thing comes up which might be in like five seconds". Day job is real slow this week so I might kill time there with posts here. Whoops! That is to say that I will work really hard and totally earn my paycheck just like always. I will go THE EXTRA MILE. I will give 110% EFFORT. I will WORK UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME. If there's time to LEAN, there's time to CLEAN. I'm PART OF THE SOLUTION, not PART OF THE PROBLEM. I will eat MANY TACOS at lunch and spend TOO MUCH TIME IN THE BATHROOM reading the SPORTS SECTION while TRYING TO POOP.

The wife has made the ultimate mistake and has been spending too much time staring at the web page for the house we are renting in North Carolina for our vacation at the end of August. That's like a month away- we have too much to do before then! Won't catch me doing that, I'll be totally useless!

I mean, "more useless!"


Whoop! Babysitter's here- time to go!

Tags: I Am Professional Pictures What?

Okay, maybe I could use a break. Lee downstairs looked at me and said, "Matt- you look a little rough." Hard to disagree.

GAAH!

Ah well, another project looks almost done. Want to see? Sure you do. Here it is- PDF download. POW

Tags: I Am Professional Pictures

I have come to the conclusion that I just don't like to be bored, but am bored by things very easily. Today I took the whole day off from my day job, the first full day off I've taken since last August, so that I can work on this huge mountain of freelance deadlines I have piling up. You might think this is some giant drag, but it so isn't. Babies are off with my Mom, and I have been running with HIGH EFFICIENCY since 6:30 this morning! I'm uploading some big files to a server right now, and in my temporary downtime I'm making this post!

HIGH EFFICIENCY!

Tags: I Am Professional

There's a big pile of things to see in the "Commercial Art" section of bitmatt. There will be more, but that's the stuff I've gotten to so far. I figured out how to make the cool slide show pages today!

ALSO- totally false alarm on the Pox thing. Nobody's got Pox- I REPEAT- no Pox.

ALSO #2- I'm pimping The Venture Brothers again on Cartoon Network at 10:30. BELIEVE IT.

Tags: I Am Professional Bitmatt T.V. Venture Brothers

I just got done with the Photoshop comp for another theater one-sheet. This one is Stuart Little. It's an illustration/photo mashup Tour de Force!

Close up of Stuart illustration


This is what we started with.

This was a real team effort. I did all the work and the kids slept most of the morning to let me. GO TEAM!

Speaking of the team, I believe there is going to be a big ol' twin sized case of Chicken Pox to deal with here. Those boys- they've got spots! Therefore, if you were thinking of finally stopping by for that long overdue visit, the next week or two might not be ideal what with the quarantine and all.

UPDATE: May have been jumping the gun to call "POX!" There are definitely spots though. I call "SPOTS!"

Also- why didn't anyone mention I spelled "Stuart" the "Stewart" way in this post when clearly it says "Stuart" in the artwork I've been staring at all day? Do you like it when I look like an ass? Is that it? Well I went and fixed it, so nyaaah.

Tags: I Am Professional Pictures What?

Today I'm attempting to be a beeter (I mean "BETTER" that was a funny typo though) friend. Or maybe a beeter friend, I guess that remains to be seen. I attempted to e-mail a guy who was my best pal in college at the last e-mail addy I had for him. No surprise that didn't work, the last e-mails we traded were 6 years ago. Whoops! I think I might try to see if he's current in the alumni records. Wonder what he's up to. FACT: This guy had magic powers with women of which he either was completely unaware or just never wanted to use to his advantage. Maybe he was afraid of going to the Dark Side. Whatever, he was the only guy I ever met who could walk into any bar in town, do NOTHING, and strange hot women would buy him drinks. This was unheard of, especially in a college town. Maybe in sad middle age divorcee bars that sort of thing happens all the time, but in college? I knew so many hot girls in school who went uptown all the time with absolutely no money and come home hours later hammered on all the booze bought by horny dudes or comped by bartenders, but this never works the other way where girls buy beers for guys, it's a rule. Girls don't have to buy guys drinks. But I saw John pull free beer many times just by standing around. It was amazing. We always thought he had some sort of mutant abilities. Not on me though, we were roommates for a whole year and I didn't try to seduce him even once that I remember. We drank a lot back then though, so I guess anything is possible. NO! NOT POSSIBLE.

Also today I registered another domain name. It will eventually supplant mayhems.com as my professional contact URL, if I can figure out some key redirects it may change soon. The new name is "bitmatt.com" . Short, digital-ish, easy to remember- I think it's a winner!

Tags: What? Pals I Am Professional Good Times Bitmatt

We're runnin' her a little thin here, folks- low to the ground, sputtering; we'll get as much distance in as we can before we have to ditch. Just hope we're not over a mountain range or someshit- a nice water landing is what we need. Someplace nice with a pretty beach. And little grass skirts on little native ladies. Beer. Ooh- DOUGHNUTS. I'd smite all of you for a doughnut. Or pizza- thick pizza. Thick as your arm. I like a thin pizza, but I want Court Street Bakery pizza. I wonder if that place is still there? In Athens (Ohio) I mean, they would close on weekends at one in the afternoon, but then they opened back up at midnight with giant sheets of gloriously gooey pizza for a buck a slice. Lines would form outside the door and wind down the sidewalk. Totally worth the wait, it was magic like Christmas Morning except with more cheese and less fake surprise. I would check on the internet for Court Street Bakery's current status, but I sort of don't want to know. If it's gone, I'll be sad, but if it's still there I'll probably also be sad because I doubt they deliver and certainly not to Cleveland within the next five minutes. Was I just talking about crashing a plane? What the hell was that?

I finished up things a little early last night (before 1 a.m.!) so I worked on the mayhems.com site a little. I didn't really add anything, but I made places TO add things. Potential and faux progress! That is perfectly fitting. Unlike these shorts, but I keep wearing 'em, they're old friends.

The keys of my laptop keyboard look like Scrabble squares, except black. They're not concave curvy and sculpted like regular keyboard keys, they're flat. I'm looking at triple word scores like you would not believe. NUM LOCK F6. What's that worth? 5?

Finally it looks like my brother-in-law Nick might have a break in getting full (or at least primary) custody of his daughter from Hallie, that psychotic (just my opinion, not calling names) he banged a few years ago, which is a whole THING just like everything else in my wife's family. The constant drama over there would make Tennessee Williams shake his head in disbelief were he not dead and whatnot. (Did you know he choked to death on a bottlecap? I didn't. How 'bout that?) I try not to get involved 'cause I like it quiet and boring, but the drama is so dense it creates it's own gravity and you just get sucked in. Anyway, I won't backtrack too much because I could type a modern epic here. I'll give you the amazingly out-of-context compendium special edition, the Shock and Awe version. I can do it in one possibly run-on sentence.

Hallie admitted that her mother, Mary, the grandmother who has made it her mission to ruin Nick's life as well as the lives of everyone in his family (and been fairly successful to this point, you'd be amazed what regular calls to various civic agencies by someone who hates you and has lots of free time will do), has been using dolls to teach the daughter, a three year old girl, what penises and vaginas are for in an attempt to brainwash the girl into reporting to authorities that her daddy has been raping her.

There you go! One sentence! Shock-ing and Awe-ful enough? I'm standing on an aircraft carrier in front of my "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner, waving to the international media assembled. Thanks, everybody- we've got those terrorists on the run now, boy! YEEE-HAAWWWW! I've got a flight suit!

Not funny, I know. Sorry. I try not to bring down the room here at Cranky Matty, but my mind keeps coming back to this.


Today's only Tuesday?!? You've GOT to be kidding.

Tags: Good Times Family Drama I Am Professional Lunch

I don't recall ever being quite so gassy before.

I've been going back and forth between Helvetica and Century Gothic for my two super awesome and sooo tiny (but getting bigger every day!) websites. I like Helvetica for ease-of-reading, but Century Gothic has that old-school-design flair, and we all know flair gives me boners. Hmmm... flair...

It's Venture Brothers and then BACK TO WORK FOR YOU!!! I really mean "ME!!!", you can go on and enjoy your evening.

Had the cool fresh taste of Heineken Light yet? It is quite refreshing and doesn't reek of skunk ass like its non-light (or heavy) version. VERILY

I've been using "verily" a lot lately in places that I'm sure make no sense. That's why I'm a genius.

SCROOOOOGE! I believe this is our final. We're up over the thirty Photoshop layer mark, which is more than twice the magic necessary to make reindeers fly. I hold so much power in my hands- I TALK TO PLANETS WITH MY GIANT BRAIN AND ELEGANT LANGUAGE SKILLS

Thanks again Helen!

Tags: I Am Professional Pictures What? TV Pals

Today I was shanghai'd at work by an old customer, a printing company that took all their DTP in-house years ago. We don't do much for them anymore except exchange professional courtesies. This week their typesetter guy is on vacation so they asked if I'd stop by and make some changes on a few jobs they had in the works. No problem, swing by & bill the hour or two. Sure. Well, that turned into an all day fiasco running between my office and theirs trying to do two full time jobs at once. Rotten! Anyway, they have jobs set up on both a Mac and a Windows machine. While I was waiting for something to print I thought I'd log into this site to see what she looks like with good ol' Microsoft Internet Explorer in Windows XP.

Poop. Looks like poop. See, the navigation bar across the top isn't actually supposed to be black- it's transparent. But I guess IE does not support transparency like just about every other browser out there. And the bar is not supposed to be so tall, so in IE it extends too low on the page an crushes my baby head. Also, it should float independent of page scrolling, but in IE it is anchored at the top. Plus there's the fact that Windows doesn't anti-alias type, so all the letterforms look inherently blocky and ugly, so that's always a shock to my (admittedly Mac-centric) aesthetic sensibilities.

When I got back to my office I checked it again on one of the XP machines. Terrible! I'm embarrassed. But then I downloaded a fresh copy of Firefox to that machine, and outside of the no-anti-aliasing issue the site looked just fine. So what do I do? I know that many people who check me out are probably still using IE and seeing an ugly (to me) website. But everyone else sees it as it is supposed to look. Do I change my new theme to something that I don't like as much, but will appear "correctly" to Windows Explorer users?

HA HA that is a funny question. HA HA! Stop using Explorer everyone! STOP. If it were a decent browser I could see why maybe someone would put up with all the gigantic computer devouring security flaws in it, but it has got to be the worst browser available. I know I'm not the only person who thinks this. Deep down, you know it too. Now's the time people! I want to give you something. The Gift of the Internet as it Should Be. No need to thank me, this was yours all along.

Well, okay, you can thank me. But no tongue this time.


For reference, here's what the site is intended to look like. For the record, I mostly use Safari. Sometimes Firefox, which I suspect might be a little better, but the difference is marginal. I don't mean this post to sound like some anti-Windows snobbery. I'm just disappointed that I work to make something look a certain way and not everyone can see it. That's sucko, Johnny. Big sucko.

Tags: I Am Professional Infertility

Got this message from Fabio this morning. No- not that Fabio.

Matt,I think it looks great, but I am not sure it is serving our needs.I think it is way too grey. The only things that pop out are Stephen and the word Scrooge. I would like this to be uber-Chrismas-y. We are selling magic and Christmas. I don't care if it's like Christmas trees and toys and stuff like that. Even the snowflakes can be perfect snowflakes from like a dream as opposed to realistic looking.

That's a bummer to be sure. But in this business you take rejection with a smile or you'll go insane. I was absolutely determined to use Helen's background, so tonight I added some Christmas Fucking Magic with fourteen new Photoshop layers.

GOD BLESS US, EVERY ONE!! MEEEERRRY CHRRIISSTMAASS!!!!

I do admit I like this one better. We'll see what Fabio says. Again, not that Fabio. Yes, there is a different one. A less Nordic (or whatever), more perhaps South American (?) one.

UPDATE: Fabio says, and I quote, "This is delicious!"
Contrary to what you're thinking, Fabio is totally straight. Not kidding.

UPDATE #2: They've just called me with a laundry list of changes, but we're almost there! My next posting of this image will be the final and you can ooh and ahh like crazy.

Tags: I Am Professional

For years I've had an "under construction" message on my other site, mayhems.com. That was a huge lie since I haven't been constructing shit over there. Until now, that is. I finally decided that it was time to put to work some of these many many gigabytes of webspace I've got out there in the ether, maybe make something of myself. I'm getting into event photography- I just got done shooting a wedding this weekend that went EXTREMELY well, and I want to set up online contact sheets and a new design and photo portfolio. My hosting company for mayhem's dot com was this outfit called ADDR.com, which I went with six years ago because they were cheap for the time for what they provided. Back in those days finding decent hosting for under $10 a month was a lot tougher than it is today. Knowing they were real cheap, I was willing to overlook a few service glitches here and there. For the first four years or so ADDR wasn't actually that bad, they had kind of wonky e-mail servers, but the uptime and connection speed were well within my "acceptable" range.

The last two years have been a constant struggle with them. Completely unreliable and inconsistent service, random periods of slow or no connection, e-mail outages that would last for hours. Besides laziness, I stuck with them for a couple reasons. First, the outages weren't that big a deal to me since I didn't have an active site going on their server. I used my space there mostly for transferring large files to clients and for storing various files and proofs that I would direct-link to. Second, I had all my e-mail running through them as well as the e-mail of several friends and relatives, and it's a pain to change all that.

The one thing ADDR always had going for it was their 24 hour tech support. They were always quick to respond no matter what time of day. That was nice until the past year when the service outages started to become more frequent. When I'd mention my site was down again I'd get back the same form response to the likes of, "We're sorry- we are currently upgrading our servers, so there may be a short interruption of service. We apologize for any inconvenience..." blah blah BLAH. After a year of getting told they were upgrading over and over you'd think that something over there would work by now. Anyway, I had uploaded all the color corrected and retouched photos from this wedding that I had worked until 2 a.m. on to get them up by Monday so that people could see them like I said they could, and all day I get "Cannot connect to server" messages. Well, that was IT. I've had it with these knobs.

I'm moving everything over to Network Solutions, which is the service that hosts this site. I've had no problems with them except for maybe their hardball aggressive marketing, but get past that and they've been solid and reasonably priced. The switch has been a most-of-day project, but I think once the DNS change clears everything should be GO and that link I've posted to the right will take you to a site that actually works.

I don't know why I'm telling you this, except perhaps just to tell you that I'm an official Wedding Photographer now too. I've got like ten jobs! A man so pretty shouldn't have to work this hard.

Tags: I Am Professional Internet What?

I know she is because I only work with THE BEST. She submitted two excellent photos for me to use on my Scrooge! project, and I think it is turning out quite nicely. I just now got done with the Photoshop comp, so you're seeing it before the client. They may hate it, but not me- I think it is super bad-ass and cool.

Here's the photo Helen sent that I used:

And here is the World Premier of the Scrooge! promotional image:

Bang-Pow!

Thanks again, Helen- you're a peach. Not fuzzy though. Peaches are fuzzy.

Tags: I Am Professional Pals Pictures

You might be able to help me in one of my design projects for FUN and PROFITS!!!

I've got this job for a regional theatre company, my best freelance customer. Among other shows they're putting on this coming season is Scrooge!, which will be their big Christmas family-oriented moneymaker next year. I've got to do the marketing images and brochures, posters, ads, etc. For Scrooge! they want Tiny Tim on Scrooge's shoulder, both gleeful in their newfound Xmas Spirit as they wander the streets in creepy period ecstasy. It will be moving, I assure you.

I have my Tim & Scrooge shot (which I am so glad I got, because this was the only one this kid would smile for), a serviceable logo, but no street. Here's what I've got so far. NOTE: this is basically untouched yet. I still have to do some things, mainly create a chin for Scrooge because they don't want the beard. This guy is an actor and couldn't shave because the beard is needed for a current show he's in.

I need a background! I'm not going to draw London. I'm just not. This is where you people and your cameras can maybe help me out for FUN and PROFITS!!!

Anybody got a picture of an old-looking London street with old-looking London buildings? Could you take one? There has to be lots of those things lying around that craggy old city. Or, it doesn't have to be London, it just needs to be old and English-y. It would be best if it didn't have easily recognizable landmarks or, of course, extremely modern portions that would be difficult to photoshop out. Really, the more non-descript the better, as I plan on blurring the hell out of it and making it look wintery. Oh- also, a daytime shot would be best unless it's nighttime lit by gaslight, which I think is unlikely since I know your time machine is in the shop right now.

Here are some examples of sort-of what I'm looking for:

This last one I'm including mostly for the perspective. If your shot has cars at the bottom like this, that's okay- I can take those out.

Okay, that was the FUN part, now PROFITS!!! Because this is a professional business-type transaction, I'll pay for a useable shot. How does twenty U.S. dollars sound? I don't know what that comes out in England money, like 12 shillings or something (an educated guess- I bet I'm super close). So if you have a shot like this just mouldering away on your hard drive, or can just step outside and take a picture with your phone or Insta-Matic or whatever it is you use for picture-taking, I'll Pay-Pal you bigtime. You will be able to put "Professional Photographer Person" on your resumé.

One thing- I won't be paying everyone who sends me pictures 20 bucks, just one super talented Photographer Person will be getting the cash. So I guess this is sort of a contest, but not really.

If you can help me out, please comment or e-mail me- matt @ crankymatty.com (except take out the spaces. We're so fooling spambots! Tee-hee!). Thanks lots in advance. I think I'll post this over at the WD too, what the heck.

UPDATE: Just wanted to mention that I'm only paying for an original, license free photograph. I could slog through stock photography sites and find something, but I'm trying to avoid paying license fees for something I'm just going to use blurry in the background.


In other news, this morning I stood at the kitchen counter for twenty minutes eating chicken skin. What is wrong with me?

Tags: Internet I Am Professional Pals Pictures

I totally have no work to do this evening. Yup, just gonna take it easy, kick back, maybe finally post an entry here. After, of course, I get dinner for the kids. Then I have to walk the dog because we don't currently have a yard for him TO POOP ON (news on that in a moment) and get him dinner. Then it's bath time for babies, followed by playtime in their room and then getting them settled for bed. Then I have to water the non-yard (in a moment I said!) and walk the dog again because he refuses to pee in the driveway. Yup, just gonna do nothing and HOLY SHIT IT'S 10:45 AT NIGHT ALREADY MY GOD HOW DO I EVER GET ANYTHING DONE EVER??!?!?

I am the sort of person that rents movies and returns them unwatched because I never got around to it. King Kong sits on my dining room table, taunting me. You know how primates taunt, right? They fling their turds at you. Kong taunty-turds are big enough to knock over grain silos. I'm running out of silos! Dammit monkey!

Looks like I'm going to be a suburban slave. You might know what I'm talking about- those poor bastards who spend hours a day watering and preening their stupid grass on their postage-stamp plot of land so it is more lush and green than their neighbor who is out doing the exact same thing. I swore that I would never become beholden to my lawn because I hate yardwork and I hate keeping up with the Joneses and I'm allergic to all that's green and flowering. But now we have this brand new lawn coming in that I had a landscaping company install partially out of shame, since we had maybe the worst burnt up weedy mess on the street, and partially out of desire to have someplace where the kids could play without getting shredded up by thorns and nettles. Every day I've got my garden hoses and my sprinklers working early in the morning and late in the evening, the symbols of my new indenture to the tiny bright green filaments that are starting to pop out of the muck. I can't stop sneezing. I don't plan on being able to do this as well as most of my neighbors who are all retired and have nothing better to do all day than make their lawns glisten like perfect fucking emeralds in the noonday sun. I must say I'm making lots of friends though. I think it must be like this for women after they have a baby, it's like they've joined some exclusive club and suddenly are friends with all the other mommies and have so much to talk about. I stand out front with my hose in my hand like the chain around my neck it is and wave to all the other jackasses who will also be watering their lawns every day until they drop. I don't like these guys at all. But I can't stop watering, the grass will die!

Baxter can't touch his back yard, let alone pee on it, for like weeks. I've got a run set up in the driveway for him, but that isn't sitting well at all. He sulks all day. {Frowny face goes here.}

Happy! FINALLY my Venture Bros. Season One DVD's showed up from Amazon! They were held up in shipping, and it was just killing me. I will make time to watch these- life can go on hold for a while. This and Veronica Mars are the first teevee shows I've thought enough of that I needed to own them. I'm considering buying Battlestar Galactica too, but probably not. It's fun to watch and all, but I don't think I'll get that much more out of it through repeated viewings. I was really amazed at how much more I caught watching Veronica Mars' first season again knowing the eventual outcome. That show is amazing. Plus I have deep, sticky feelings for Kristen Bell. I was so relieved to learn that she's a 20-something that only plays a teenager on TV, because for a while there I was feeling guilty about the filthy, awful things that I was thinking about her and what I made the naked voodoo puppets I fashioned in our images do. Those puppets- they're insatiable.

Ooooh- in that world where there are no pants and I AM KING OF ALL I SURVEY.

Alternate caption #1: VOODOO!

Alternate caption #2: guh whoaa momma

Anyone heard this song by B.R.M.C.? It's The Balls.

Yes AMY, my kids are fronting an indie rock band. Actually, the fact is that I cut some of their hair like a year ago and by Becky's reaction you would have thought I'd chopped off their fingers. I totally didn't! It was just some hair! Jesus- never again. They will be some shaggy lil' devils.

Tags: Pictures I Am Professional What? Kids Movies Tunes T.V. Veronica Mars Kristen Bell Pretty Girls

I wrapped up a project at work half an hour before quittin' time, and since it is Friday and since I like to goof off and get paid (like you don't), I decided, instead of starting the next project, to continue my recent (half-assed) crusade to check up on old pals that I've let go un-checked far too long now*. This has been an only sorta successful campaign, mostly because I am easily sidetracked by life these days. Not to mention how amazingly, incredibly stupid I've become in the last couple years. I've never been under the impression that I was any smarter than anyone (and certainly not most of my net pals, who are some of the sharpest knives in the drawer), but at least I could keep up, you know? These days, not so much. It's actually been very frustrating- but that's another post. A sad post. One that I'll never make, because we don't do sad posts here at Cranky Matty's O.P., we only preach the Truth. The Truth is that I'm feeling very retarded! Maybe I had a stroke that I didn't notice. They hit quick, you know; and not just old fuckers- super young and pretty people like me can be cut down in the prime of life by a debilitating stroke. Billy Squier sang a song about it. You should check that out and take precautions, because you could be a winner boy- you move quite well.

I sent a PM to my (our) friend Chandler, who's real name is not Chandler, but she would not appreciate my revealing her trade secrets here so I won't. First of all, I was afraid that she had disappeared off the board (the Watcher's Diary over at Buffyguide, for those of you who don't know me from there), and that would have been just devastating. She let her very neglected blog dry up quite some time ago, and if I couldn't get her through the BG I'd have to just assume something terrible had happened, because I am a worrier. I'd have to write a letter or something, and Channy lives in Israel. Can you imagine the fricking postage? What, am I made of money, Chandler? Okay, I would have stolen the postage from the meter at work, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. You had me very worried young lady- I hope you'll act more responsibly next time.

As it turns out she still logs into the BG enough so her online persona hasn't been dispatched to the ether. Bitchin'! I sent her a completely trivial and nonsensical PM which I'm certain she will enjoy whenever it is she gets to look at computers in that strange land of hers.

Basically, it just said that I haven't shaved in a few days, and betwixt that and my unkempt, spikey hair I look like I might be prickly to the touch.

That's the message I greet her with after almost no communication in two years. My social skills are just amazing! See all those spots swirling before your eyes? That's your sense of bewilderment! Wooooo! Or carbon monoxide poisoning! GET OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW.

Tonight! I am baby free until at least eleven o'clock p.m. as they are with Mommy visiting the sibs at Ohio State. What to do? WHAT? Thar be TiVo t'be catchin' up on (hours and hours!), and certainly I could do some work as I have Monday deadlines. And billing! I need to bill things for the people to send me money. Or clean- shit is PILING UP. Could definitely clean up. Or I could drink beer and type. Drink and type. Type and drink. That does have a certain appeal.


*Don't feel left out if I haven't included you in my Grand Crusade yet. My Grandness has thus far consisted of a few very desperate seeming PM's to Merope. I guess that makes it more of an Exploit than a Crusade, but "exploit" is a weak little sister of a word. "Crusade" is very George W. Bush-ian.

Tags: I Am Professional Kids Tunes Pals Internet TV

This morning my boss was cleaning out the conference room at work, which normally is loaded with the chaotic spillover from his office. "Must be a loan tour today," I predicted in my head. Sure enough, the suits from some bank that we don't yet owe prodigious piles of money to arrived a little later. That's the only reason the conference room ever gets cleaned, when we're begging for money. My boss did his usual hourlong meet-n-greet with the sly presentation of the dubious financials right before he whisked the well dressed man and woman out for the facility tour.

"And here we have the engraving area where we blah blah for whatsis and the other place. that's our really expensive router table that is controlled by that computer over there. I don't think we've ever turned it on but it does fabulous work. There's Arnold who is our shop manager, don't mind the wife-beater and shorts in February, he dresses for comfort. His, not ours. HA HA! Now we move on to the art department, they use these computers you may have heard of - Macintosh Apples, and they do some amazingly wonderful things. Here's Matt our resident genius and lead designer, I'm not really sure what he does most of the time, but he's the best. I think he's taking pictures of something now because that's our digital camera he's got there. Oh and lights! He uses lights when he takes pictures, I've seen him do it. And this picture will be put in the computer, right Matt? Yes- I thought so. Anyway, moving on to the paint area, where you may have guessed we paint things like blahhdy-bloo bloo and waddle waddle dee doo..."

This goes on for another hour or so. He takes these folks in their nice suits through the building, describing every piece of equipment and what it does, introducing all the employees, cracking his little jokes. It's pretty much the same song and dance as usual, he's got it down to a science. He'll get that loan if he has to talk these people's ears off for the rest of the day. They'll cave, they always do. I've been here twelve years and Ted has never not gotten the loan. At the end of the tour he keeps schmoozing even as the suits edge closer to the door. Four or five sets of handshakes later and a "we'll go over the numbers and let you know in the next 24 hours," the bank folks finally leave.

I always imagine the first minute or two is silence as the bank people pull out of our mud-and-cinder parking lot on their way back to the home office. The quiet is nice after the nattering of my boss over the clamor of air compressors and printing presses. But eventually, one will look over at the other, swallow hard, and say, "WHAT A DUMP!" At which point the other says, "OH MY GOD WHAT WAS THAT SMELL?" "I DON'T KNOW BUT I NEED A SHOWER SO BAD." "I'VE HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM FOR THE LAST HOUR BUT I WASN'T GOING TO GO THERE!" "OH I KNOW- I THINK SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT IN THE KITCHEN!" "THE SINK? I SAW THAT TOO!"

Do they talk about the impressive and informative tour they just took? The nice people they just met, or the fine work we're doing with the equipment at our disposal? No. They're talking about the shit someone may or may not have taken in a sink. Jerks.

Tags: I Am Professional Good Times What?

Today should be the last day of crushing work overload, the show bozos get on a plane in the morning. The show we're getting prepped for is the C.H.A. show in Vegas, which stands for Creative Hobby Assclowns, or something just like that. I've never been there, but they tell me it's huge. All I know is fourteen hour work days and sick teething babies make daddy cry. Fucking eye teeth- it's like non stop screaming all night. Eli Roth should shoot his next torture porn flick here*.

Tomorrow back to regular work overload, which will be met with joyful dancing and a six pack of Miller Lite.


* Addendum: as I was putting in my contacts, I realized the title should be "Hostel II - The Circumcision".

Tags: I Am Professional Movies Booze

Can't wait to get the folks going to the goddam trade show next week on the friggin' plane. Art department is BRUTAL before these things, and this has been a back-to-back. After I help with bath night and get the kids to bed I've gotta go back in again. Might not make it this week. I'll sure make a pretty corpse, though.

Anyway, this morning on NOGGIN the best Blue's Clues ever was on- the one where Steve does his Elvis impression for the last ten minutes. He knocked that shit out of the park! Instant "Save Until I Delete" status on TiVo. We will never delete.

Someday the kids will see some old Elvis footage on the History Channel or something and ask, "Hey- who's that guy ripping off Blue's Clues Steve? He sure is fat!"

Tags: I Am Professional T.V.

• The URL which this site sits is most likely temporary. I have some other things in the works, and this thing is part of that.

• I hate the term "blog", so I won't use it. To me it is a very ugly and graceless word, like "pus" or "Donald Trump".

• You'll notice, especially if you have a slow-ish internet connection, that the logo graphic of my own cranky baby face I have in the upper left corner of the page is actually covering a picturesque mountain landscape. This was the graphic that came with this particular template, and templates are not easily editable in this program. Therefore, I just covered it up. Lame? Yes. Especially for one who claims to be a "computer graphics professional". I should say that I am a computer graphics professional with very little time or energy to make up his own website. Hopefully that is changing.

• I am writing this to get back in the habit of writing. As many of you most likely know, I used to post a lot over at the BuffyGuide, but then came the babies and more work & responsibility. Had to quit the fun stuff for a while. But now I'm finding I have a bit more free time and a jones to type words again. Fun, eh? EH?!!?

• I know what brings the traffic, so without further ado- some baby pictures.

Edit: I have figured out how to do some rudimentary edits on this template! So no more mountain photo. Next, I'm gonna try making the link type not have that blue background. Not a fan of that.

Tags: What? Kids Internet I Am Professional Pictures