This morning I got a call back on my voice mail from Step2, which is a company that produces rugged high end plastic toys and stuff for kids. We have a Step2 wagon that is totally boss. The kids like it plenty and it has a cup holder for my beer when we're at the zoo. It's perfect, and makes a great Halloween costume.

CHOO CHOO!

I was really excited when I applied for this design job two weeks ago (it seems right up my alley), and then disappointed when I didn't get a call back like the next day. Seriously people, I'm an incredible superstar! I don't have time OR PATIENCE to be waiting around for phone calls! Little did I know that large companies probably take a little longer to get around to call backs than tiny companies do. I've never worked at a big company before. But, I'm up for this job now so it's all good. The biggest drawback to the Step2 gig would definitely be location. They are in Hudson, which is about 45 minutes to an hour away. That's not a big deal as far as commutes go, but when you figure I'm already using $60 bucks worth of gas a week now just with all the extra driving we have to do for all Casey's school and therapy & junk, it is significant. I'd have to rearrange some stuff- maybe my Mom can do some more pick ups or something, but if the job's good we'll do it.

I guess I should expect a call from American Greetings too. I applied for a job there the same day as the Step2 posting. I was really shocked that AG didn't respond immediately, they are notorious talent vampires. But, they are also a big company. With an atrium covered food court! I heart atriums and food. Also courts!

Tags: I Am Professional Kids Pictures

And just like that, life is one notch better. One doughnut left for later. Pow.

How come the black high school kids in my town (Euclid, Ohio outside of Cleveland) always look good and the white kids look like sloppy messes? I drive by the high school every day, and most of the black boys out walking around are all athletic and dressed like they care what they wear. Most of the black girls are in good shape and made up all hot-like (I'm just looking- geez get off my case). But pretty much all the white kids are dumpy disappointments to their families. This carries over into the older population too, although not to the same extent. Everybody in Euclid lets themselves go after the age of 35, it is the law.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are a whole lot of awful looking white people out there and I wish I had gone to school with more (re: any) black girls.

Oh, and speaking of Euclid Schools, part 1: We took the kids to their first toddler swimming lessons at Euclid H.S. last night (Casey loved it, Tyler hated it- typical), and as we were leaving we walked through a narrow hallway by the gym where a lot of REALLY tall and muscley dudes were lined up, I think for basketball tryouts. Whenever you see a big group of kids like that you don't expect much in the way of courtesy or civility, because kids are mean; but these guys were super friendly and gave Ty high fives all down the line, to his delight and amazement. "Wassup, little man? High Five!" they said. That was really nice. Thanks, big kids!

Speaking of Euclid Schools, part 2: BANG-POW! BIG BREAKING NEWS- after almost a month and the buildup for what we though was going to be a BIG FIGHT involving lawyers, guns and money; Euclid has released Casey to the Achievement Center! Holy Crap! What a load off my poor head. Our lawyer that we retained because we didn't think we were getting a fair shake just told us the news; I guess all it took was one phone call from her. I'm guessing they were leaning that way anyway after having him at school there for a month, but whatever- HELLZ YEAH BOOOY! THAT'S PARTY TIME! To celebrate, I might just eat this last doughnut! AND/OR take a shower this week!

That's asking a whole lot though.

Oh, and dammit- in the last post I mentioned The Name, but forgot to include a hot photo. I got in so much trouble! Here, I'll make it up to you right now:

KRISTEN BELL SAID EVERYTHING WOULD BE OKAY

Tags: doughnuts Lunch Kristen Bell Autism Well-meaning racism Kids

It should be noted that I started this more than a week ago, and here we are, gettin' it done.

1. Great day in Autism! We've been having some minor breakthroughs in communication with Casey-Bean over the past few weeks. Nothing huge or particularly noteworthy to anyone but us and his therapists, but good nonetheless. Until today that is! While Bean was playing blocks with Ty-Ty, Becky and the in-home therapy person, he started counting them with actual numbers! You had to kind of know what you were listening for, it wasn't a clear "Six-Seven-Eight..." thing, more like "Isss-Ewehh-Eeehh..."; but from what I am told he started at six and went all the way to fifteen. Becky was super happy the therapist was there to hear it too, because sometimes it is easy to hear him utter some random noise and assign some meaning to it, even though it was really nothing. Like yesterday when he was throwing a balloon around yelling "BA-BA-BA", Becky insisted he was saying "ball", but he says BA-BA-BA a lot with no balls around to speak of, so I don't think so. Or that time I swear he said, "If the cast of MTV's The Real World truly exhibits the moral and social depths of character typical of young America today, we have nothing to worry about. Our future: COMPLETELY SECURE. What a remarkable set of go-getters they've assembled once more." I immediately shouted into the kitchen, "Honey- Casey's making sarcastic remarks to the TV again!" She said he was just blabbing nonsense, but I heard what I heard.

Anyway, he also may have correctly defined a block as "yellow", and also identified another as "circle". It is a cylinder of course, but people yell at me when I correct autistic children. Fine. Close enough.

I swear- it is our "close enough" attitude that gets us into trouble. "How closely linked is Iraq to terrorists?" "Close enough!"

2. Tyler news to not leave him out! He is now saying "please" (the magic word) occasionally without being prompted. This is huge, it has been like extracting teeth from an angry badger.

3. Amazing New Feature! Up there at the top you'll note there is a new thing on which to click, it is a new grand experiment! "Right Here, Right Now" is a photo gallery that will be updated often. I will be utilizing new technologies to do this, namely the internet and a camera. If you've not heard of these things yet- don't worry, you will. Gonna be big. I also predicted Star Wars would be a major hit when I was five years old, so my track record here is quite good.

Gadget side note- the reason I'm psyched about this new feature is because the iPhone can update this gallery on the go; just take the photo, add a caption & send it on its way from anywhere. I can post from the phone, but not unpost from the phone (currently). This will lead to many embarrassing photos posted whilst drinking, so I'd check back often, or at least before I get around to editing the gallery from a computer later. Fun! Right now there's several day's worth of crap there I've posted while testing things out. Here's an RSS feed too, but you don't get the pretty transition or download options that way.

4. Project update! Got the theatre brochure job back from the printer, came out great! There's usually a bit of a let down when I see a print version of projects because the print versions rarely have the vibrancy of the images on screen. Not this time though- thing POPS! That's nice. Here's the cover:

Want to see the whole thing? PDF version here. It's all flattened out, so you have to imagine it folded up.

5. It's only 2-1/2 weeks until OBX vacation! Little later than usual this year, hopefully we won't get chased by a goddamn hurricane. But because we're rolling the dice & going to the Outer Banks in the heart of hurricane season (and after the start of school), the rentals are dirt cheap. We always stay in a fairly nice place there, but this year it's like a fucking beach palace. HUGE. Completely ridiculous, especially since it will just be we four and my parents. But if I'm going to ride out a hurricane, I want to do it in style while watching a flat panel TV in each room. I'm going to sleep in a new bedroom every night. There'll probably be pictures.

6. Speaking of travel- this weekend we are ditching the kids and heading to New Jersey for a wedding- one of my old high school chums is gettin' hitched. We're gonna stay an extra couple days and hit the Big Apple- Becky's never been, and I've been there once like fifteen years ago. I hope to catch a glimpse of He-Man doing something heroic. If that happens, there'll be pictures. Hey Amy- is Mendham close to you?

7. Important TV News! I found Heroes just entertaining enough to overcome its more annoying qualities (which are numerous). Every time I thought I'd give up on it they introduced some plot twist that kept me coming back. Won't be so tough to keep my interest next season though- Kristen Bell has signed on for at least half the new episodes. And LOOK! Since I typed The Name, I get to post a hot picture. That's the rule, I didn't make it up. ALL THE PLAYAS IN THE HOUSE SAY YEAH!

YEAH!

Tags: Pictures Gadgets Autism Kids I Am Professional Travel Kristen Bell TV

In the interest of Gettin' Stuff Done, I haven't posted here in a month or so. We got so much done, didn't we? Oh, my- yes! Our accomplishments... staggering.

You all finished that book that nobody will shut up about, and that's neat. I got a lot of work done and played with my phone that nobody will shut up about, including me. This thing has been reviewed all over the place by too many people, and I don't have much to add to that except to say I can't live without it, and if anything ever happened to my iPhone, I'd actually drop dead like a coal miner's canary. It isn't because I even use the phone much. I get 450 minutes of daytime minutes to use a month, and over the first month I used just over 60 of them, which was tremendously shocking that I even talked on it that much. They roll over to the next month- by the end of the year I will have approximately 58,000 minutes to burn. And it isn't because of some cell-phone culture coolness factor- I'm actually very self-conscious about pulling it out in public, and as you know, I normally have no problems pulling most anything out in public. People are really curious about it though, that's for sure. But no- for me, the big deal about the iPhone is that I've got it rigged to give me step by step directions to get through my day. I have little messages and helpful warnings pop up all the time with pleasant beeps and buzzes. "Don't forget your ad deadline!" "Remember to take the double stroller to Na-Na's!" "Don't leave the house without pants!" And, amazingly, I have not been outside without pants since I got this thing. The neighbors are very impressed, they think Becky has finally "trained me" somehow. WHATEVER. You can't train ME. No WAY. I am the Alpha Male. I do what I want! But you can tell me what to do and I'll totally do that without question or hesitation.

On the autistic kid front: Still extremely autistic! Now with random, uncontrollable rage filled shrieking! Yikes. I said before that Casey was all calm and easy to take care of. Not so much anymore. He's upset a lot, like very. He's also started slamming his head into things when he really gets going. All this PLUS he's extremely difficult to settle down! We think it is because he's being faced with all these new challenges with his various therapies that he gets frustrated quickly and doesn't handle it well. It's been disheartening and sometimes soul-crushing. [BIG SIGH GOES HERE]

But, on the positive side, they've set up a spot for him at this great special needs preschool that deals specifically with autistic kids. He'll start in November, won't even have to get on a waiting list or anything. Getting him in isn't the only good news, however- the actual good news is that our city will be paying for it. This is what happens when the child in question has issues that the public school system is unequipped to deal with. Since it's the law that every kid is entitled to an "appropriate education", they refer these kids out to special schools. And pay for it! Which is about the greatest news ever as The Achievement Center costs FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR. That was in all caps because it pretty much has to be, doesn't it? So, in many ways, Casey is lucky to be as majorly impaired as he is, since if he were one of those poor suckers who is only somewhat autistic, he'd have to stick it out in public school with all the grinks and groinks.

MY COMPUTER HAS A CAMERA

That's about enough of that. On to our recurring feature, God Plates. I have one to show and one to tell, and you will not believe me when I tell it.

First, the show:

I think it was P@ that mentioned he thought it was weird that I'd find all these God Plates on cars without God Stickers. Well, I give you Stickers. You're welcome.

Now, the tell. Becky called me at work (on my iPhone [/jerk]) and told me she was driving behind perhaps the greatest God Plate of all, but she didn't have a means by which to photograph it, something we all regret instantly. I have to take her word of course, and though I have no reason to think she would make something like this up, we all need to take it as rumor at this point. However, this plate is my White Whale- I'll die trying to find it. But find it I will, for this Holiest of License Plates reads- and I'm giggling as I type- "HOT 4 GOD". Really. Really. Hot 4 God. I think if I can shoot that one I can quit.

And now what the hell- some cute children who happen to be mine. And yes, they need haircuts. No, I won't have anything to do with haircuts. I've learned my lesson well. The kids- they don't like having their hair cut. At all. So screw 'em. Shaggy a-holes.

MY PHONE HAS A CAMERA


MY PHONE HAS A CAMERA


MY PHONE HAS A CAMERA

I had some other stuff to yak about, but maybe I should save it and then there will be something else to post later. Pacing, it's all about pacing. And dick jokes.

P.S.- what's with all the huge boobs in anime these days? Man, in my day we were hard pressed to find so much as a B cup in Star Blazers or Robotech. And dude- we pressed. We pressed hard.

Tags: Gadgets Autism License Plates Pictures Kids Geekery

Today I dropped off the kids with Becky's folks like I do every Monday & Wednesday. Ty took off like he does and then I handed Casey off with Becky's dad. I waved and said bye-bye as I walked back to the car like usual, not expecting any response, because, y'know, autism!

I was halfway around the Element when I heard a little voice say, "Bye!" I paused for a second, trying to figure out if I heard what I thought it was, and then I ran back around to see Casey and Grandpa still at the doorway. I go, "Casey? Did you just say 'bye' to me?"

He said "Bye! Bye!" and waved!

Made my day.

Tags: Kids Autism Good Times

We're checking out special needs preschools for Casey. A couple days ago we got to tour one of the cheap ones. It was really nice and I think would be great for Casey, but I think I want to see one of the expensive ones first. I want to see what a $70,000 a year preschool has that a $50,000 a year preschool doesn't. I bet the expensive one has better snacks or something.

No- not joking- the cheap one is 50K a year. Looks like we'll be putting some tax payer money to work for us for a change. The mind boggles.

Anyway, I have license plates to share! You know I usually just stick to God themed ones, but the first one I wasn't sure if it was or wasn't, so I took the picture anyway. The second, definitely all about God. The third one I just liked. Enjoy!

Cleveland is waaaaayy in the background!

Tags: License Plates Autism Kids Pictures

This has been cross-posted to the WD.

There may be a few of you left who recall that the wife and I had some kids a couple years back. This was no small feat; it required cutting edge science (including LASERS!), huge scary needles and private time behind locked doors with wrinkly copies of XXX pornographic magazines; all under the wacky supervision of our capable and ethnic doctor Balki Bartakamus. It really was a sexy superscientific time, to be sure. And- for the record: had I known that insurance would not cover the cost of them, I would not have taken all those magazines home under my coat. I assumed they were for practice.

There may also be some of you who have no idea who I am, or maybe you are just interested in the romantic aspects of the story. Well, perhaps you should start with the original ten part saga, which I have conveniently linked to here. That's a lot of reading, so if you don't mind, we aren't gonna wait for you. Catch up on your own time, okay?

Alright then, moving on. You'd figure (or at least I would figure) that all the hard work is done, right? All the the humiliating probing and painful surgical procedures (for her) and all the jakkin' it (for me) had totally paid off- BABIES! Two of 'em! Whew! It's Miller Time! A job well done, congratulations all! Well played sir! Off you go then! Back to your life of ease and privilege! Golf clap!

Oh no- I WAS MISINFORMED. As it turns out, all the science and children being born stuff was just the beginning. Sweet sweaty jesus- it's like it never ends. These kids- they need stuff, like, goods and services. All the time! And one or more of us has to be around to provide these goods and services. With absolutely no compensation in return! Unless of course you live in a region where poopy diapers are considered currency, in which case I am the wealthiest person you know. The boys are more than generous in that regard. I'll be sure to thank them someday when we get to retire to our exclusive private island paradise. Or, in real world terms, "retire" means "sleep under" and "exclusive private island paradise" means "mile high mound of mouldering shitty diapers". I guess that's sort of an island. We'll be warm either way, right?

Oh wait- is it to late to preface this? Dammit- it probably is. Okay, now we have to start over. I wanted a preface.

[PREFACE:] Do not, under any circumstances, make this post out to be a "poor me" thing. I am absolutely in no way looking for frowny face sympathy. If that's what you want to react with, that's fine; but I'm here to tell you everything is gonna be okay. I got enough sympathy a few months ago from the people who followed me to Cranky Matty at a time when I wanted it, so I'm all good now. [/PREFACE]

Tyler is volatile. He turns from silly chirping gigglepie to raging shithead demon in a heartbeat for no good reason. BOOM goes the dynamite! It is hard to take him places because the possible public meltdowns are loud, violent and embarrassing (which, as you know, is really saying something as I lost my shame in 'Nam to a sniper's bullet). You should see the dirty looks I get from people when they see me carrying his kicking, shrieking ass out of wherever we may be. I have to either sling him over my shoulder or wedge him under my arm like a football, and I'm sure people think I'm abusing him or something. Hell no- I'm just trying to not get kicked in my privates (he has unnaturally good aim) or bitten on my face. Or gouged with fingernails. Or punched! Thus far he has not tried to use weapons on me, but we're not letting him have his first set of nunchucks until he turns at least four. No edged weapons until seven, unless he asks nicely. I should say here that it's not as bad as all that all the time; Tyler is often the cutest, most courteous kid in the world. But those tantrums, wooooo boy.

Tyler, Jeckyll/Hyde split personality and all, is a completely normal two and a half year old boy. Yikes! It is a tribute to parents everywhere that they haven't thrown all two year old toddlers off a mountainside or into a volcano. We're heroes, saving humanity every day.

Casey is the sweet one. He plays happily most all the time and loves to cuddle. When he gets upset there's usually a darn fine reason why, like maybe it's nap time or his juice cup is empty or you forgot to change his diaper for eight hours or something. You can take him anywhere, he doesn't mind. Everyone wants to babysit Casey, he's so happy and agreeable to anything. He likes to stand on your feet and hug your legs, which is just adorable except for the fact that you can't move until he's done because you'll knock him on his little butt. He sings along with songs he hears on TV- not well, but c'mon- He's two. What's this? American Idol?

A few months ago, Casey was diagnosed with autism.

Wow- that sure sucks the air right out of the room, doesn't it? Sorry for that- I spent two days trying to think of a funnier way to say it, but I've got nothing. But look, like I said in the super important preface, everything's gonna be okay. Eventually. Like, after many, many events, which is what "eventually" means. In case you don't know what autism is, and you aren't alone because it turns out nobody knows exactly what it is, here's the entry provided by our friends (we really have at least one friend there! Hi Bethy!) at Wikipedia. If you don't want to read that whole thing, and I can't blame you because YAWN, here's the gist: autism is a developmental disorder based in the central nervous system that covers a tremendous range of mysterious learning and social disabilities that restrict communication, social interaction, imaginative thinking, activity, and interest level. Basically, it messes up everything you do or think about. A bit of a hurdle, to say the least.

We had suspected for the last year or so that something may not be right with the little guy. While Tyler was getting into dinosaurs and trains and balls and other crazy boy stuff, Casey preferred carrying a plastic spoon around and staring at it for hours. Ty can count higher than I can and speaks almost as well, probably with more clarity. Casey doesn't speak. He makes noises (sooo cute) and sings, but not with words, just sounds that are almost like the words. He jumps everywhere- it is his preferred mode of transportation. HOP HOP HOP! Here comes Casey! When they are around other kids, Tyler mixes it up with the roughest ones twice his size and holds his own because he's like a cannon ball. Casey stands apart from the crowd in his own little world, completely detached from whatever anyone else is doing.

For a long time neither Becky or I wanted to admit that there may be a problem. It was obvious since birth that Ty & Casey were almost exactly opposite personalities, so we figured that Casey was just going to develop at a much different pace than his feisty twin. We would just give it some time & everything would be fine.

For me, it was this past Christmas that was the first big red flag. Becky, in an amazing effort to provide the Greatest Christmas EVER, went absolutely insane and bought the entire toddler section at Toys 'R' Us for the kids. She was so excited and had the best intentions, but even I was completely overwhelmed by the vast array of presents that awaited these two year old boys, and I have seen some crazy shit in my day. It took her a solid week of late-nighters to wrap all this stuff. It was amazing and frightening at the same time, sort of like Victoria Beckham, and featured obscene piles of plastic parts, also like Victoria Beckham. You'd think that with this department store's worth of goodies the kids would be just rabid to start ripping into it. Well, as it happened, not really.

Tyler was game enough, but by the seventh or eighth awesome gift he was really overloaded and wasn't much for opening more. Casey sat with his first present, an abacus, which we had to open for him because he just wasn't getting the concept. For the rest of Christmas morning he sat in the midst of his massive piles of unopened gifts, turning his abacus from one side to the other, staring at the beads as they slid back and forth.

I knew then that this was not normal behavior. Where's the unmitigated greed? Where's the crazy animal lust that only rending wrapping paper from cardboard and plastic can satiate? We were practically handing him the keys to the toy store, and Casey just wanted to flip some beads around, and then go back and stare at his plastic spoon. It wasn't right, but it also wasn't a surprise. In the back of my mind I had expected it, and thinking back on it all, I'm pretty sure that was why I was such a grumpy shit before the holidays. I gave Becky a hard time about buying all those toys because secretly I just knew that Casey would not have a normal little boy reaction to the tremendous Santa bounty. I was right, and it was heartbreaking.

A month or so later my brother & I were at work listening to a story about this famous autistic savant on National Public Radio, who besides being this impossible math genius is also a great advocate for the victims of autism. On a whim I decided to do a quick Google search. Near the top of the results list was this article, "Five Early Signs of Autism". Casey was five for five. Five for five is a great day in baseball, but kind of a shitty day in autism. I read the list, got up from my computer and walked into the never used darkroom in the back so my brother wouldn't see me cry.

HA-HA! Kidding! I wasn't crying back there! I was... uhh... okay... I was crying. You know, quietly, like a man. Macho, macho sobbing. Even cowboys cry sometimes- I saw that in a movie. You know, the one with the gay cowboys.

I e-mailed Becky the link to that article. She wasn't sold right away, it took her a day or two to come to grips with Casey's five for five performance. Lots of denial at first, "No- only one or two of these I agree with." Eventually, she saw it too. Once that settled in and we got through the requisite distress, Becky took action.

My wife is amazing. This is a dumb sounding thing to say, but having an autistic kid could not happen to a better parent. She's been a dynamo. She sets up all the appointments & screenings. She calls all the organizations that need to be called. She organizes the landslide of paperwork that keeps getting shoved at us. There is a progress and sleep journal for the neurologist that Becky updates daily. She attends the speech and occupational therapy sessions and educates the rest of the family about what the various therapists want us to do with Casey when he's not in therapy. Becky arranges our schedules to accommodate drop offs and pick ups. This is, of course, all on top of her full time Very Important Job (that includes the Very Important Health Insurance) and all the normal headaches that come with taking care of twin toddlers. Let's also take this moment to acknowledge the fact that she's super hot and smells great.

At this point you are thinking, "Um- Matt, what the hell are you good for?" Not a whole lot. Moral support, I guess. Back rubs. Geez- I'm a load. Clearly I married up in a big way. Yay me!

Well, this is where we are now. We've just started various therapies and are investigating special preschools. This stuff is ludicrously expensive, and we are very fortunate that B works for a huge company that has nice health insurance. Honestly, I don't know how people who don't have that going for them can do this. There's also a little bad news/good news involved with this. The bad news is that Casey is considered quite impaired; but the good news is because of this he qualifies for a whole heap of free stuff from the state, county and city. This includes all sorts of special programs and classes, including swimming lessons and horseback riding! I think tiny Casey on a giant horse will be hilarious. I will have pictures- you better believe that. All the doctors and therapists have been very positive about Casey's chances at overcoming his autism, the hope being that he'll be caught up enough that he'll be able to go to the same schools as his brother before too long. We have been very encouraged by his early progress.

Almost every day we'll be hanging in the living room, and Tyler will be in the midst of an epic meltdown with all the shrieking and throwing and everything else. In stark contrast, Casey will be sitting on the couch or standing at the window, singing, maybe he's hopping around because he's excited about something. He looks so happy. The question is always the same, "Hey- if he's broken, do we really need to fix him?" We laugh because we know the answer.

Of course we do. And we will.

Tags: Kids Autism The WD Infertility The Home Front

B took the kids out today to the Natural History Museum with the cousins and Aunt Rachel and Na-Na while I stayed home and got very little done. That was all good, tots got to run around and Ty got to see the dinosaurs (Cleveland has a fairly nice collection of dino stuff, actually), which was a big hit because they are way more impressive at full size instead of puzzle-piece size like he always sees 'em. Casey kept to himself on Planet Casey as he does in public. He doesn't get upset or anything, he's just, not there, I guess.

But anyway, the museum was fine and then everyone went to McDonald's, one of the near-downtown ones with a playland. As you'd expect on a Saturday evening in an urban McDonald's with a playland, it was crowded and crazy with lots of little kids swarming around. This is Tyler's element, he's a fricking cannonball, he can knock around with much bigger kids no problem.

Casey was doing his thing, wandering aimlessly, focused on the drinking straw clutched in his fist. We've learned that autistic kids will often carry simple objects around and give them their full attention, oblivious to whatever else is going on; Planet Casey. He wasn't bothering anyone, but evidently he wandered toward another table where some woman, a young mother of some kid (or kids) in the playland, was sitting. According to Becky, This Person said, "Get That Away From Me."

Na-Na (Becky's mom Kathy) swooped in and redirected Casey and told This Person, "Oh, it's okay, the straw is clean," thinking that This Person was afraid Casey's straw was sticky or something.

This Person said, "No, not the straw- that kid. He's weird."

Becky took Casey's hand and looked at This Person. "No he's not."

She then loudly said to Kathy so This Person would hear, "Let's go now. We're bothering this fat, mean lady." That was met with the expected "OH NO YOU DIDN'T" and "UH-UH YOU COME BACK HERE BITCH" and silly angry stereotypical hand motions, as if This Person has no idea that she is both fat and mean. Whatever- like she was going to jump up from her Big Mac combo with the large Diet Coke to do anything violent. Becky packed up the kids and they took off without further incident.

I've got a lot to say about This Person, and it was probably good I wasn't there because it all would have gotten said and there would have been some big problems. Becky handled it very well. As it is now I'll not write anything more about This Person here, because there really isn't any point.

But, this is the first time this has happened, and it is clear to me now this won't be the last. This is going to be really hard, isn't it? I don't know what I'll do when some kid calls Casey "retard". I just don't know.

Autism in many cases, and I think probably with Casey, takes away the ability to understand the emotions and motivations of others. This is a small blessing in a way, because it may shield Casey from a lot of awful, thoughtless things that will be said by awful, thoughtless people during his life.

His parents are not so blessed, however.

Tags: Kids Autism McDonald's Awful People Pictures

Feeling a little better a few days later after some talks to our pediatrician and some more research on the subject of autism. Things could be much worse. But- there has been a development! Nay- a revelation!

We have determined that my 28 year old brother is also autistic! For real! In doing our research and the affects of autism on adults, it dawned on my mother that the person this is describing is Zach! Obviously, he is what they call "high-functioning", but it explains every one of his nutty anti-social and obsessive problems from childhood through today. Looking back it makes so much sense and my mom feels terrible for not recognizing it when he was a kid, but c'mon- nobody knew anything about autism back then. Zach is still getting his head wrapped around this discovery, but he says he feels very liberated in this knowledge, because now his problems don't seem like some unexplained vagueness that has always haunted him- it has a name! Strangely, we're all very excited by this.

And to add to the weeks' oddness, my friend John (who I mentioned I was looking for in this post & haven't heard from in six years) e-mailed me out of the blue. That's good stuff, but weird! He's fine, in case you were wondering. And still single, so ladies, if you're in Rhode Island for any reason, pick up a twelve pack of cheap beer and you just may win his heart.

Next up for Casey, we've made an appointment to see a pediatric neurologist, but there's a bit of a wait and we can't get him in for another month or so. I'm looking forward to this appointment just so we can get a better idea of what to expect. Thanks for all the concern and well-wishings, and thanks also to those of you who would have commented but didn't know what to say (I do that all the time). I know the last post was a curve ball, usually you come here to read something I think is funny, or see some stupid thing I drew, or whatever and then you get POW! AUTISM!!! That's whack, jack.

Tags: Kids Autism Pals The Home Front

I don't know why exactly I waited so long to admit this out loud, because deep down I've been sure about it for months. I guess by not saying it, it wasn't real, and that was easier. Today it's real.

Casey is autistic.

The top of my google search for "early signs of autism" was this article. Casey is five for five. We're going to start calling doctors tomorrow.

It's not the end of the world, but I'm a little hollow inside right now.

Tags: Autism Kids The Home Front

I'm buried in work, so I've been limiting distractions like teevee and internet and breathing and sleeping and showering and masturbating and eating. Also masturbating. Did I say that? Because I'm totally limiting that. Just like the President used to say back when he still had balls, I'm "staying the course". I'm also limiting sexual relations (like with other people), but not as much by choice as I like to tell all my friends in the monestery. They think I have iron willpower, and we'll just let them keep on thinking that.

Anyway, I miss doing dumb stuff like typing words that appear here because it's fun. Also I miss other fun stuff in general, but let's not dwell on that. I know- I'll tell you about how everybody here is sick. Umm, that's it I guess. We're all sick. LOOK

!
MY COMPUTER HAS A CAMERA

It sure is dark in there!

I'm breaking internet silence to wish you all a Merry Xmas and whatnot. What? Not! AND I have some neato photos to share that will surely get your Yule Log or your Menorah burning bright. Sorry if I left out Kwanzaa in that last sentence, I don't know what people set on fire during Kwanzaa.

There's this house in view of one of the major freeways here that is lit up like the Grizwald house in Christmas Vacation. Don't believe me? Check it out- I shot this myself just the other night.

Every one of those bulbs is taped to the house so the strands of lights will stay perfectly straight and still in the wind. I would definitely do this if only I had some free time. Oh yeah.

That's all for now. I leave you with a dark picture of me & Tyler in the basement. Bye bye!

Tags: What? Kids Pictures Good Times

"Waaa! My baby doesn't sleep and I'm miserable! Waaa!" I'm shaking my head disapprovingly right now. Not at you, but sort of about you. You know, like behind your back to all our mutual friends. Because I'm a parent, and while I won't go saying I know everything (like anyone could know everything- c'mon!), I will say that I know that you're doing everything wrong. Oh man- if I shake my head disapprovingly any harder it will flop right off my neck.

Look- my kids- BOTH OF THEM- totally make it through the night until eight in the A.M. without a peep. Perfect angels! Maybe you just need to let that baby scream or something- he/she will fall asleep eventually. That's what we do and look at me... fresh as a daisy and smelling like a cool autumn breeze. And did I mention chipper? God DAMN I'm chipper. You can't see it, but I just did a back flip. That's right. I smell so fucking awesome you wouldn't believe it! It's a healthy, well rested musk I exude. God I love exuding musk! I've gotten so many nice compliments from breathless passers-by. Passers-by in these parts know a good thing when they smell it, and they aren't afraid to tell you all about it. Credit where credit's due and all that. I smell so frickin' good!

COMPLETELY UNRELATED SUBJECT- by some miracle my kids both decided they like sleeping all the way through the night and I only had to get up one time this whole week and that was for only like fifteen minutes. Also, I'm in a short lull freelance art-wise. The long and short is that I got a whole week's worth of solid shuteye and general me-time for the first time in... wait for it.... here it comes.... TWO YEARS. Give or take a month or so. Wow. Wow. Wow. Can I get a Wow? Wow. And I've hardly been kicked or kneed or stomped square in my balls by twitchy babies for almost seven days now. WARNING to all the new dads out there in Tronville, your balls are going to be violently abused by your twitchy babies. They love nothing more than jumping on your fucking balls. Fuck man, I wish I could tell you your balls are going to be okay, but they won't. I'm so sorry. About your balls.

I really seriously considered using my evening freedom me-time to make a couple posts here and shit like that, but I opted to go the super selfish route and rent some movies. Now, I have actually rented a few movies in the last couple years, but what happens is that I go into Blockbuster or wherever and can't decide what I want to see since I haven't seen anything in, well, two years; so I end up renting three movies thinking I'll find time in the forthcoming week to watch all of them. Then I end up returning them four days late and unwatched. Maybe I watch one, but usually I have to spread it out over three or four days in small segments. The horrible irony is that I half-assedly watch my segmented rental DVD's in this elaborate and fantastic movie theater in our basement I spent a lot of money and years of effort on. Now it serves mostly as high-tech romper room for toddlers to watch Elmo and Oscar and Big Bird. Seriously, what the hell happened? I had a lifestyle at one point.

Saturday I rented three movies. I've already seen them all! AND- not one singing puppet in any of them. As a bonus, two of the three were damn fine pieces of grown-up entertainment. One was a piece of shit (Domino), but on a certain level I enjoyed it anyway, because that was freedom shit I was watching.

Speaking of testicle abuse like I was before, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is highly enjoyable, even the ball shocking torture bit. I may be sort of desensitized to that though.

Tags: Kids Good Times T.V. Movies

SIGH. SIGH.


SIGH!!!!!!!

The OBX trip was awesome, and Tropical Storm Ernesto only blew us one day. He was rough and I'm a bit sore. In the end he left like they all do, and all we could do is wipe ourselves off.

The worst part of being back is the underwear; the soft cotton grasp of responsibility imprisoning my privates.

SIGH.

Tags: Kids Pictures Travel

We go on vacation this coming Saturday! Whoop! That means that there will be a work related disaster that will happen about 3:30 on Thursday. Awesome! Can't wait!

Our Destination: Same place as always- the starkly beautiful and increasingly pricey Outer Banks of North Carolina. Thing about the OBX though- sure, rentals cost kind of a lot, but there's not much else to do there except hang around. So it's not like you're going to spend a fortune after you get there, by the time you get to your rental house or whatever you've already spent 90% of the money you're going to on your vacation. It's a terrific place. Maybe I'll get all poetic about it in a future entry, but I still have a week of The Suck to go first, so I don't want to get all wrapped up in it just yet.

I will tell you this though- we are yuppie scum. Like, more so than before. We did something I swore I wouldn't do and bought a friggin' DVD player for my car. Two screens, the works. I've even got the sound running through my car stereo, so it's BOOMY! and DYNAMIC! in there like a movie theater. All so my kids can watch Blue's Clues and Laurie Berkner videos on our road trip. God DAMN I'm gonna have spoiled kids. Growing up I was lucky to have a spot in the car with a seat belt when we went places. No lie- I rode in the back of my folk's old Ford Pinto (the station wagon, not the hatch back) with the dog to New York one time because she used to get anxious in the car and somebody needed to rub her ears so she wouldn't bark until she threw up. Good times! Actually- those really were good times. I'm not just saying "Good times!" when the times were clearly not good for hilarious comedy like usual. Anyway, I'm just a set of those stupid giant spinning rims away from rolling like those hip-hop rapper superstar type people you folks are so fond of, like Hammer-Time or the guy who did "Who Let The Dogs Out? WHO?--WHO WHO WHO?" I don't know why you like that song so much, it's totally gay. Everybody hates it when you put that CD in at all our parties.

There's links for some people over there on the right. I totally read all these blogs all the time, like constantly. That's why it takes me so long to post things here, because I'm so busy reading all these other blogs. Naked*.

Oh- and HA! I have some funny new family style drama to post about later. And it will be later, 'cause I got to GO.

Tags: Good Times Travel Kids T.V.

I'm guessing that everyone who is a fan of the Venture Brothers used this title for a blog entry this week. All the true fans anyway, the lame poser fans probably had something original and witty in their titles. Trying to make me look bad. Worse, I mean.

Something terrible has been happening to me the past few months, a sign of aging that I'm not sure I'm ready to face. I've been getting acute indigestion almost every time I drink beer. Third of the way through a Bud or whatever and heartburn detonates, I end up chewing Tums for the rest of the night. I think this is "The Change" that I hear people talking about. I'm much too young and pretty for this to happen now! I was planning on many fertile drunk years before The Change left me barren and sober! THIS IS NOT FAIR. I refuse to admit my good years are behind me. This isn't the end of the road- it's just a new beginning! Maybe I'll take up whiskey.

There is hope- today I've eaten three doughnuts and now I'm going to get a cheeseburger. Feeling like a million bucks. I think everything's going to be okay.

We still have tiny humans here!

Tags: T.V. Venture Brothers What? Pictures Kids

I totally have no work to do this evening. Yup, just gonna take it easy, kick back, maybe finally post an entry here. After, of course, I get dinner for the kids. Then I have to walk the dog because we don't currently have a yard for him TO POOP ON (news on that in a moment) and get him dinner. Then it's bath time for babies, followed by playtime in their room and then getting them settled for bed. Then I have to water the non-yard (in a moment I said!) and walk the dog again because he refuses to pee in the driveway. Yup, just gonna do nothing and HOLY SHIT IT'S 10:45 AT NIGHT ALREADY MY GOD HOW DO I EVER GET ANYTHING DONE EVER??!?!?

I am the sort of person that rents movies and returns them unwatched because I never got around to it. King Kong sits on my dining room table, taunting me. You know how primates taunt, right? They fling their turds at you. Kong taunty-turds are big enough to knock over grain silos. I'm running out of silos! Dammit monkey!

Looks like I'm going to be a suburban slave. You might know what I'm talking about- those poor bastards who spend hours a day watering and preening their stupid grass on their postage-stamp plot of land so it is more lush and green than their neighbor who is out doing the exact same thing. I swore that I would never become beholden to my lawn because I hate yardwork and I hate keeping up with the Joneses and I'm allergic to all that's green and flowering. But now we have this brand new lawn coming in that I had a landscaping company install partially out of shame, since we had maybe the worst burnt up weedy mess on the street, and partially out of desire to have someplace where the kids could play without getting shredded up by thorns and nettles. Every day I've got my garden hoses and my sprinklers working early in the morning and late in the evening, the symbols of my new indenture to the tiny bright green filaments that are starting to pop out of the muck. I can't stop sneezing. I don't plan on being able to do this as well as most of my neighbors who are all retired and have nothing better to do all day than make their lawns glisten like perfect fucking emeralds in the noonday sun. I must say I'm making lots of friends though. I think it must be like this for women after they have a baby, it's like they've joined some exclusive club and suddenly are friends with all the other mommies and have so much to talk about. I stand out front with my hose in my hand like the chain around my neck it is and wave to all the other jackasses who will also be watering their lawns every day until they drop. I don't like these guys at all. But I can't stop watering, the grass will die!

Baxter can't touch his back yard, let alone pee on it, for like weeks. I've got a run set up in the driveway for him, but that isn't sitting well at all. He sulks all day. {Frowny face goes here.}

Happy! FINALLY my Venture Bros. Season One DVD's showed up from Amazon! They were held up in shipping, and it was just killing me. I will make time to watch these- life can go on hold for a while. This and Veronica Mars are the first teevee shows I've thought enough of that I needed to own them. I'm considering buying Battlestar Galactica too, but probably not. It's fun to watch and all, but I don't think I'll get that much more out of it through repeated viewings. I was really amazed at how much more I caught watching Veronica Mars' first season again knowing the eventual outcome. That show is amazing. Plus I have deep, sticky feelings for Kristen Bell. I was so relieved to learn that she's a 20-something that only plays a teenager on TV, because for a while there I was feeling guilty about the filthy, awful things that I was thinking about her and what I made the naked voodoo puppets I fashioned in our images do. Those puppets- they're insatiable.

Ooooh- in that world where there are no pants and I AM KING OF ALL I SURVEY.

Alternate caption #1: VOODOO!

Alternate caption #2: guh whoaa momma

Anyone heard this song by B.R.M.C.? It's The Balls.

Yes AMY, my kids are fronting an indie rock band. Actually, the fact is that I cut some of their hair like a year ago and by Becky's reaction you would have thought I'd chopped off their fingers. I totally didn't! It was just some hair! Jesus- never again. They will be some shaggy lil' devils.

Tags: Pictures I Am Professional What? Kids Movies Tunes T.V. Veronica Mars Kristen Bell Pretty Girls

Must make quick- very tired, somewhat drunk, need bed soon. Things need updated, here we go.

Cavs finally lost to Deee-Troit! basketball team in a seven game struggle. Awesome- I had a great time watching basketball this year, and the future looks bright.

My Bettie and Will finally had their baby after a weekend of collective held breathing. Big problems, but all's good- go look at this thing if you like baby pictures. I hate baby pictures.

I've been unusually busy, and the kids have not been respectful of my time this week. Sleep back to brutal after weeks of making it until 7 a.m. every night for a month. Dad not happy, kids don't care- still cute. Jerks.

This unusual busyness, it's good, but also bad. See, this is supposed to be my slow time- my sit back and watch the checks roll in time. No- BUSY. And I know that my traditional busy season is coming. It'll be graphic design crazy go nuts soon! I can only sit here and sigh. SIT... SIGH

I just watched the last Harry Potter movie- what was that? Goblet of Fire? Think so. Anyway, I really deeply enjoyed it. Very good movie. Best yet, they've finally got that thing down. Still won't read the books, that's for queers.

I opted out of Soupy's Wetpaint mod thing. I was really serial about the LeBron James site, which I think could be very fun if done right, but I just plain don't have the time. I think I probably could've done some simple shit and strung her company along for a while to squeeze a few checks, but I'd feel just awful about it. They're doing nice things with our interweb over there and I don't want to screw with their flow. Chainsaw is still the smelliest girl in Smellytown though. I saw it in National Geographic two years ago- the Smellytown exposé. Those guys won awards for that stuff, but at what price? Is an award enough for the grieving widow and three small children (one of whom is crippled or someshit) of the Smellytown story photographer who lost his battle with nose cancer? Is that going to bring that poor guy back? No. No it won't.

Veronica Mars will be back next season! That brings so much excitement to all parts of my being, especially the shameful ones.

Tags: What? Kids Pictures Movies Pals T.V. Sports Internet

A few posts ago I mentioned something about the fact that I don't get a lot of sleep and it's all the babies' fault. I believe I whined "THIS WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL!!!" or something thickheaded like that. In the comments my friend Beth (the not-Merope Beth) said "let 'em scream", which is very valid. Even in the long long ago I had always been of the opinion that letting the little bastards just rip it up until they fall asleep is the best way to go. But, I've got a big problem. See, we have two babies. That itself is not the problem. The problem is that one of them (we'll call him "Tyler") sleeps perfectly. It's the other one (umm, "Casey"? Yeah, that'll work) that wakes up screaming. So, if I let Casey go with all the nightime drama without running in to get him, he ends up waking Tyler and messing up his established and excellent patterns. I know this because we've tried it for a couple two week periods. It always ends up with me being totally exhausted and suicidal because I'm being tag teamed by angry babies all night. We've also tried putting them in different rooms, but Casey is loud enough when he gets going that Ty will wake up anyway. Hence, the status quo. Woe!

But, in related news, I am totally proving my old saying "Sleep is for sissies!" I'M NO SISSY.

Tags: Kids Pals The Home Front

I wrapped up a project at work half an hour before quittin' time, and since it is Friday and since I like to goof off and get paid (like you don't), I decided, instead of starting the next project, to continue my recent (half-assed) crusade to check up on old pals that I've let go un-checked far too long now*. This has been an only sorta successful campaign, mostly because I am easily sidetracked by life these days. Not to mention how amazingly, incredibly stupid I've become in the last couple years. I've never been under the impression that I was any smarter than anyone (and certainly not most of my net pals, who are some of the sharpest knives in the drawer), but at least I could keep up, you know? These days, not so much. It's actually been very frustrating- but that's another post. A sad post. One that I'll never make, because we don't do sad posts here at Cranky Matty's O.P., we only preach the Truth. The Truth is that I'm feeling very retarded! Maybe I had a stroke that I didn't notice. They hit quick, you know; and not just old fuckers- super young and pretty people like me can be cut down in the prime of life by a debilitating stroke. Billy Squier sang a song about it. You should check that out and take precautions, because you could be a winner boy- you move quite well.

I sent a PM to my (our) friend Chandler, who's real name is not Chandler, but she would not appreciate my revealing her trade secrets here so I won't. First of all, I was afraid that she had disappeared off the board (the Watcher's Diary over at Buffyguide, for those of you who don't know me from there), and that would have been just devastating. She let her very neglected blog dry up quite some time ago, and if I couldn't get her through the BG I'd have to just assume something terrible had happened, because I am a worrier. I'd have to write a letter or something, and Channy lives in Israel. Can you imagine the fricking postage? What, am I made of money, Chandler? Okay, I would have stolen the postage from the meter at work, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. You had me very worried young lady- I hope you'll act more responsibly next time.

As it turns out she still logs into the BG enough so her online persona hasn't been dispatched to the ether. Bitchin'! I sent her a completely trivial and nonsensical PM which I'm certain she will enjoy whenever it is she gets to look at computers in that strange land of hers.

Basically, it just said that I haven't shaved in a few days, and betwixt that and my unkempt, spikey hair I look like I might be prickly to the touch.

That's the message I greet her with after almost no communication in two years. My social skills are just amazing! See all those spots swirling before your eyes? That's your sense of bewilderment! Wooooo! Or carbon monoxide poisoning! GET OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW.

Tonight! I am baby free until at least eleven o'clock p.m. as they are with Mommy visiting the sibs at Ohio State. What to do? WHAT? Thar be TiVo t'be catchin' up on (hours and hours!), and certainly I could do some work as I have Monday deadlines. And billing! I need to bill things for the people to send me money. Or clean- shit is PILING UP. Could definitely clean up. Or I could drink beer and type. Drink and type. Type and drink. That does have a certain appeal.


*Don't feel left out if I haven't included you in my Grand Crusade yet. My Grandness has thus far consisted of a few very desperate seeming PM's to Merope. I guess that makes it more of an Exploit than a Crusade, but "exploit" is a weak little sister of a word. "Crusade" is very George W. Bush-ian.

Tags: I Am Professional Kids Tunes Pals Internet TV

Camera at work.

Tags: Pictures Kids Geekery

Today, for lunch, I ate a hot pocket and three donuts. BANG-POW! I am INDESTRUCTIBLE!

For the record it wasn't a real Hot Pocket™, it was something they sell at my new Dunkin' Donuts which is basically a really fancy hot pocket only bigger. Plus, it was not frozen in the middle and it was not cooked in a dirty microwave (with apologies to Jim Gaffigan).

Here's a closer shot of the now famous Matt's Dunkin' Donuts. I'm probably going to jail for this because they have signs all over the place that say, "PLEASE... Do not take any pictures!" I think it's so they don't give away any secrets that terrorists could use to make tainted pastries. My God, just think of it.

I shot this yesterday with my brand new (SEGUE ALERT) digital camera! In the coming months I have an alarming amount of photography work to do, stuff that actually pays and that I will make money on and that people will hand me checks for. That means "professional" in my book, and my book is better than all your books put together. After three years of struggling to make my Nikon 5700 take decent shots, I just couldn't face going into another job with the uncertainty that pictures would turn out any good. Hell with that- I'm kicking it to the curb. Nikon- you suck. After much research and the activation of my super low APR Business Use Only credit card, I bought a sexy new Olympus E-500 digital SLR. I had considered the offerings of other manufacturers in the price range, but settled on the Oly for a few reasons. The Nikon D-70 was well reviewed, but it turns out that it won't use any of the gear I bought for the 5700 (including the TTL external flash), and there was the aforementioned Nikon Suckage issue. Next up was Canon and their very poopular Digital Rebel (whoops! Did I say "poopular"?), which at least statistically blows away just about everything in the class. Until you actually pick one up, that's when you realize it is built like a baby toy. If I am dropping major cash on a camera, I'm gonna need this thing to last for more than a couple hours. I'm not sure the Rebel makes it out of the box intact. After digging deeper I found that as far as digital SLR's go, Olympus has the nicest lenses available. For people who already own an SLR camera, this is not a great thing because Olympus cameras only work with Olympus lenses (for now), thus making upgrading hard because you'd have to basically scrap all your old gear. Since I didn't previously own another company's SLR and a bag full of old lenses, this was not a problem. I'd rather start fresh with nice stuff that is meant to work together.

And then there is the love aspect. THE finest photographic experience you can have is to go on vacation with an old Olympus C-2100 UZ. Light, fast, a whopping 10x optical zoom ("Ultra Zoom") that is electronically stabilized so even far away shots are always sharp. I got mine when it was new back in 2000, but you can still get them on Ebay. This camera has an incredible cult following, especially among nature photographers. People who use the 2100 simply call it the "Uzi". I will never part with mine, I'm even considering buying another used one just so I'll have another when this one dies. If I could get away with only 2 megapixels for pro work I would never have gotten another camera, but sadly the Uzi isn't great for studio stuff. For everything else though, there will never be an easier to use camera that takes better pictures. It never misses a shot. My much more expensive and higher resolution Nikon did nothing BUT miss shots. Live and learn.

Because of how much I love the Uzi, I went back to Olympus. My hope is to recapture some of that Uzi magic with a professional level digicam. To that end I didn't get the kit version of the E-500 that comes with the two lenses, I just got the body and some different lenses separately. One is a 14-54mm f2.8-3.5, which is faster than the smaller kit lens so it works better in low light situations, which is very important to me. But then I also picked up this badass zoom lens, an 18-180mm super compact beast. Because the E-500 forces 2x on any lens attached to it, the actual focal range of this "Ultra Zoom" lens is 36-360mm, or 10x. That's the same range as the Uzi! It lacks the electronic optical stabilization (Olympus had to discontinue putting that into their cameras because they lost some patent infringement case in court), but since the E-500 is overall a faster camera, the quicker shutter speeds make up for a lot of what that did. And this camera has 8 megapixels to the Uzi's 2!

I think Olympus realizes that a lot of folks are trying to relive old times with this new lens, because I just saw that they have put together a new kit that combines a silver version of the E-500 (the Uzi was silver) with the 18-180mm lens. That's just good marketing.

I've had the new camera a little over a week now- and it is GREAT. Even better since my tax guy says I can write it off on next year's return. WOO! If you're in the market for a very fun to use digital SLR that's very affordable (by D-SLR standards), I think you can't go wrong with the Olympus E-500.

Here's some more pictures! The zebra is not one of my children, but the others are.

Next time on Matt's Nerd Blog we will talk about computer monitors, which as it happens I also had to buy last week. Holy crap, what a wake-up call that was.

Tags: Lunch What? Kids Pictures Geekery

There is not enough time in my day. That's cool because I've got two neato kids now, but it is really sad too because I have very little ME TIME anymore. Back in the Halcyon Days (which is I believe a political term in reference to the Clinton administration) I had all this time where I could run my mouth via keyboard over at the BG and blow people's minds with my unbalanced wit, delicate sense of empathy and excellent use of markup. I was a TRIPLE THREAT. Now I change diapers real good. I think maybe the worst of it is the sheer isolation. The closest I come to current events outside of which rerun of Jack's Big Music Show NOGGIN is running today is the line from the previous night's Cavs game. I try sometimes to watch the news, but after a year or so away from it, it is hard to get back into harsh reality. Any given evening, I turn on the news and the first three things I see, without fail, are 1) 45 people dead at a wedding reception we mistakenly bombed in Iraq, 2) Couple who kept 13 retarded foster children in cages in their basement for three years plead not guilty, and 3) Drunk driver crosses median on the freeway and collides with soccer mom SUV, killing three children ages 2, 4 and 8. I don't know why the news stations here keep running the same three stories over and over, but I generally turn it off after that 'cause I just can't deal.

Ahh- screw that stuff. What the hell? DON'T TYPE WEEPY NONSENSE. That was rule # 1 here, and I was about to totally blow that.

Okay, different tack. Is that a sailing thing? Tack? I must say, even though I've been not so good at keeping up with it daily (I'm a BUSY PERSON), I find doing the Tip of the Day deeply satisfying. I don't know if anyone besides me reads those, but I find me hilarious. It's like, when I was a kid I used to love Peanuts comics. Not the dailies, the old school book collections. The genius of Charles Schulz was that he didn't write comics for the quick hit gag- it was a cumulative effect. Those things weren't funny 'til you'd read two hundred or so in a row, and then they were ALL funny. That's what I'm shooting for with Tip of the Day- there will be plenty of days I just don't have it, or maybe the ones I've agonized over specific wording for hours and I feel are awesome don't impress you at the time. But then, hopefully, you read them all in one sitting sometime and laugh 'til your guts hurt. That might be a long time from now. Like, decades. Good gravy, I'll be dead.

Fun's over, Ty's awake. Not even 12:30? Dang.*


* Edit: I changed "Fuck" to "Dang", because in the light of day it doesn't seem as bad as all that.

Tags: What? TV Kids Swearing

Tyler took a header into a pile of Legos this morning and mashed his nose pretty good. He's fine, but he looks like he was in a bar fight. Anyway, I got baby blood all over my shirt, and since then I've been nothing but lucky!

Look! I just found a dollar in my pocket! And there- another!

Wait- who's pants are these?

Tags: Kids What?

Tyler doesn't say too many words yet, but his favorite by far is "Daddy". I have to admit it's really cute, all high pitch on the first syllable "DA..." and then into the drawn out "...deeeeee!!!"

I think it would be even cuter if he weren't always greeting the dog when he says it.

As for the other one, people say that they hear Casey say words occasionally, but I think that's all just coincidence. Not that he's not chatty, he made up his own little language very early on and he will stand up and deliver very bombastic monologues with it. We are slightly alarmed that his speeches are almost a perfect impression of a very young Adolph Hitler sprechen from der Reichstag or something; arm stiff out front; hard stress on the very guttural words, the works. As far as we know he has not plotted the rise of any master race yet, so hopefully it is just a phase.

Tags: Kids Pictures The Home Front

• The URL which this site sits is most likely temporary. I have some other things in the works, and this thing is part of that.

• I hate the term "blog", so I won't use it. To me it is a very ugly and graceless word, like "pus" or "Donald Trump".

• You'll notice, especially if you have a slow-ish internet connection, that the logo graphic of my own cranky baby face I have in the upper left corner of the page is actually covering a picturesque mountain landscape. This was the graphic that came with this particular template, and templates are not easily editable in this program. Therefore, I just covered it up. Lame? Yes. Especially for one who claims to be a "computer graphics professional". I should say that I am a computer graphics professional with very little time or energy to make up his own website. Hopefully that is changing.

• I am writing this to get back in the habit of writing. As many of you most likely know, I used to post a lot over at the BuffyGuide, but then came the babies and more work & responsibility. Had to quit the fun stuff for a while. But now I'm finding I have a bit more free time and a jones to type words again. Fun, eh? EH?!!?

• I know what brings the traffic, so without further ado- some baby pictures.

Edit: I have figured out how to do some rudimentary edits on this template! So no more mountain photo. Next, I'm gonna try making the link type not have that blue background. Not a fan of that.

Tags: What? Kids Internet I Am Professional Pictures

Here I set this thing up with the full intention of flooding the market with daily updates, and then the world went all kablooie on me and shit needed done. Who gets the call when shit needs done? Me, that's who. I carry the shit doing stick, which is what God used to dig canyons and stuff like that. "Shit Doing Stick" is the lamest name ever for any tool, but it was named by the Almighty, and who am I to mess with that? He'd be the first to admit He isn't good with making up names for things.

Okay, enough of that. I'm here to today to talk about Journey, which (for you children out there) was a very famous rock band (a so-called "supergroup"!) back in the late 70's through the mid 80's. They did some stuff after that which was all horrible, so people my age pretty much just pretend the band died in a plane crash somewhere outside Topeka in 1986. These guys were so frickin' huge they even had their own Atari game in '82 called "Journey Escape", perhaps the lamest Atari 2600 title ever produced. That's really saying something, especially if you were one of those suckers who shelled out 50 bucks for the E.T. game.

Anyway, I don't want you to think I'm some huge Journey fan. I appreciate bigtime their '80's cheese factor, which is completely unparalleled. I was one of the seemingly billions of people who bought the Journey Greatest Hits CD when I was in high school, which like several notable greatest hits collections* didn't actually contain their only good songs. (Note: the following contains iTunes links) Those songs, of course, are "Stone in Love" and the classic 2 song arc, "Feeling That Way/Anytime". Even with these glaring omissions, this CD is one of the biggest selling disks of all time, and from royalties alone Steve Perry is able to swim naked in piles of money every morning like Scrooge McDuck (which always bothered me- wouldn't he get some sort of metal poisoning from always being immersed in filthy gold coins?).

But here's the thing, see- I have this joke. It's my big running gag, the one that I have had going for fifteen years. The one I will see pass on into perpetuity through my progeny. Journey gets played a lot on the radio, even to this day. Tune into any adult contemporary or lite rock station & you're bound to hear some shitty Journey song sooner or later. 80's Flashback Weekend? You better BELIEVE there will be Journey. Don't stop believin'! (TEE-HEE thud)

Whenever this happens, be it in the car or at work or during some lame wedding reception, when any Journey song starts playing I turn to whoever I'm nearest- friend, wife, stranger, random hitchhiker, grocery store clerk; doesn't matter; and I say, "It's about time they played something good."

I don't care if we've been listening to the voice of God doing spoken word poetry being backed by a chorus of angels all day- if "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" comes on I'm saying to somebody in a loud voice, "It's about time they played something good."

Look, this may not seem funny to you, but that's just 'cause you haven't heard me do it like a thousand times. Trust me, over the course of a lifetime, by the 800th or so instance I look over at you and say "It's about time they played something good." when that shitty piano heralds the beginning of "Open Arms" you'll laugh your ass off. Or you'll roll your eyes while I laugh my ass off. Whatever.

But the first time I hear lil' Tyler or tiny Casey say, "It's about time they played something good," when we hit a Journey classic on the iPod will be the proudest moment of my entire life. My heart will grow two sizes that day, I swear.



*I'm looking right at you, Cars Greatest Hits. No "Bye Bye Love"? No "Moving in Stereo"? "Cars Greatest Hits" my fucking ass.

Tags: What? Tunes Good Times Kids

A couple months ago I'm driving downtown to my in-laws to drop off the kids before I put in some face time at work. It was probably around 10:30 in the morning or so. I decided to drive up to an ATM so I could buy cheeseburgers later, and there was one sort of on my way to the freeway. There was a short line of cars, so we waited.

This lady walking by in the parking lot starts staring at my car. Like most everybody in that area of town she was black, but unlike most of the residents of Euclid on "that side of I-90" she was dressed very nicely in a professional looking suit, made up, looked like she took care of herself. Probably about 40, maybe 45. She looks my car over real slow, like something bad might happen if she takes her eyes off. She wandered closer, and after it was obvious she wasn't going away, I rolled down the window, which startled her, and asked if there was something I could help her with.

"That's a real sharp car," talking about the silver Element my kids made me buy. "Real sharp. What year is it?"

"Thanks- it's a 2004."

"Uhh-huh." She said "Uhh-huh" with a weird nod of her head and a knowing grin, like she didn't believe me. Why I would lie about the year my car was made, I'm not sure. Anyway, obviously not satisfied with my answer, she glanced around nervously like she was looking for an exit, which was also weird because she was, y'know, outside.

"How long have you been at this office? Did they just transfer you in?"

Now I was confused. "Umm... what?"

The well dressed lady stepped a little closer, looked me dead in the eye and said, "You know Scott Carpenter?"

"Uh- I don't know any..."

"Scott Carpenter- at the F.B.I.? You working with him now?"

It took me this long to realize I was talking to a crazy person. Maybe it was the midday hour that threw me off, or perhaps the professional dress. I mean, usually these folks are a lot easier to pick out, what with the teeth gnashing and withering B.O. and whatnot. "Lady, I don't have any idea what you're talking about."

"Uh-huh," nervous glance to the back of my car where the babies are, "riiight."

Then she took off running like I was about to jump out of the car and take her down or something. Which I totally wasn't.

Let's all remember to take our meds, people.


This has been a public service announcement.

Tags: Kids Good Times What?

This isn’t even a cute picture. Okay, a little maybe- but they’ve taken better. They haven’t displayed any of the unfortunate goony looking head problems that have plagued their daddy. But I’m still playing with this computer stuff and this Xmas pic was handy. I must tell you- I am really liking this Apple iWeb a whole lot*- I may ask it to the prom! WAIT- no- everyone I asked to the prom thought I was kidding. “Tee-hee... Matt, you’re so crazy!” and then went and had sex with the soccer team in the school’s groundskeeping shed while I watched MTV all night with my also dateless loser friends and a bucket of ham salad. And bagel chips! Mmm-MM!

Is iWeb as good as bagel chips and ham salad? You bet! But add a little Billy Idol “Cradle of Love” video repeated ten times through the evening and you have quite a race. I don’t know who wins, but I think we all know who the loser is.


*Edit: not no more! This was the one entry I made in iWeb before I went to RapidWeaver. When Apple gets it all together I may switch back.

Tags: What? Kids Pictures Good Times