And just like that, life is one notch better. One doughnut left for later. Pow.

How come the black high school kids in my town (Euclid, Ohio outside of Cleveland) always look good and the white kids look like sloppy messes? I drive by the high school every day, and most of the black boys out walking around are all athletic and dressed like they care what they wear. Most of the black girls are in good shape and made up all hot-like (I'm just looking- geez get off my case). But pretty much all the white kids are dumpy disappointments to their families. This carries over into the older population too, although not to the same extent. Everybody in Euclid lets themselves go after the age of 35, it is the law.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are a whole lot of awful looking white people out there and I wish I had gone to school with more (re: any) black girls.

Oh, and speaking of Euclid Schools, part 1: We took the kids to their first toddler swimming lessons at Euclid H.S. last night (Casey loved it, Tyler hated it- typical), and as we were leaving we walked through a narrow hallway by the gym where a lot of REALLY tall and muscley dudes were lined up, I think for basketball tryouts. Whenever you see a big group of kids like that you don't expect much in the way of courtesy or civility, because kids are mean; but these guys were super friendly and gave Ty high fives all down the line, to his delight and amazement. "Wassup, little man? High Five!" they said. That was really nice. Thanks, big kids!

Speaking of Euclid Schools, part 2: BANG-POW! BIG BREAKING NEWS- after almost a month and the buildup for what we though was going to be a BIG FIGHT involving lawyers, guns and money; Euclid has released Casey to the Achievement Center! Holy Crap! What a load off my poor head. Our lawyer that we retained because we didn't think we were getting a fair shake just told us the news; I guess all it took was one phone call from her. I'm guessing they were leaning that way anyway after having him at school there for a month, but whatever- HELLZ YEAH BOOOY! THAT'S PARTY TIME! To celebrate, I might just eat this last doughnut! AND/OR take a shower this week!

That's asking a whole lot though.

Oh, and dammit- in the last post I mentioned The Name, but forgot to include a hot photo. I got in so much trouble! Here, I'll make it up to you right now:

KRISTEN BELL SAID EVERYTHING WOULD BE OKAY

Tags: doughnuts Lunch Kristen Bell Autism Well-meaning racism Kids

On Thursday the home team celebrated 10 years of Holy Matrimony. Hey- the world didn't end! I guess I was wrong that one time. Ten years, man! TEN YEARS! That's a lot of years. All pretty good too. I think B's sister Jessie summed it up best when she said, "You two may be the only people on the planet who actually should be married." Clearly she has not been witness to many successful relationships.

I was in a bind as to what to get her for this momentous occasion. There are a few problems/situations I had to overcome. First, her birthday falls exactly a week before our anniversary (I know- I should have worked that out better). For that I had already promised her a new stereo for her Hyundai Santa Fe, which is not my cup o' tea as far as cars go, but she likes it well enough. It has a pathetic radio, and beyond its already laughable output, one of its crossovers shorted out so there's no bass on the left side of the car. Sounds like shit. So, I said I'd get a new system put in it, which will no doubt set me back a bit. Therefore, didn't want to spend a lot on the anniversary thing. But I didn't want to be a cheapskate either, ten years doesn't come along that often. Jewelry? RIGHT OUT. I'll tell you why. Becky's never been into the bling, which I'm eternally thankful for (we wouldn't be married if she were a jewelry girl- not my type), but she has a few things that I've gotten her. Of course, there's the engagement ring from all those ages ago. And there's the diamond earrings from Xmas a few years back. She wears that stuff all the time. Oops- until recently. Couple months ago the diamond popped out of the ring setting while pushing the kids around at the zoo, never to be seen again. Then, last weekend B was outside pulling weeds or someshit and Casey crashed into her head, knocking an earring out. Can't find that one either. So, you can see why I am feeling a bit gun-shy about another trip to the jewelry store.

I ended up just going to Target & getting some stuff for the yard (which we're really into making nice at the moment) and another frigging iPod. We have like four or five of those things now. None of the real cool video ones though, these are all older music-only types (but I digress). This one's neat, it's just one of the little clip on dudes without the screen or anything. She's been doing some exercising lately and always complains because she left her iPod at work or the battery is dead or whatever. This one is tiny and clips on your shirt, so it's really handy for working out. And it is pink, so automatically loved by females the world over. Also, and this is where the cleverness begins, it is made out of aluminum, and everybody knows what the symbol for ten years of marriage is, right? Yes, aluminum. Like how fifty years is gold and two years is, I dunno, sand or bisquick or something? Well ten is aluminum. Well, tin, actually; but the powers that be say that in modern times aluminum is an acceptable substitute since tin is not so plentiful. I researched it on the Internet!

To add to the cleverness I bought some aluminum foil to use as wrapping paper. I can not be more clever! I wrapped all the presents up, and admittedly they looked like something that belonged buried in a freezer somewhere. But ten years... aluminum foil wrapping... THAT IS WICKED CLEVER.

B makes it downstairs in the morning and eventually sees the shiny, crinkly, razor sharp mess of crap I left on the table with the card on top and says, "Ooh! Presents! HEY- did you use all my foil for this?!?"

Okay, so maybe it would have seemed more clever if I did not have to explain why it was clever, as Becky did not know the significance of aluminum = ten years of marriage. Without that pretext in mind it may have seemed that I was just wastefully using aluminum foil to wrap boxes (badly), when we have hundreds of square feet of perfectly good and actual wrapping paper stored in the attic you boob (the boob being me). I said, "NO! I BOUGHT THIS FOIL SPECIAL! Because, um, it's like ten years? With the aluminum, which is sort of like tin? You know- like it said on the internet? Over there on the computer? I'M CLEVER!"

Then I got the rolleyes that only ten years of marriage can perfect.

UNRELATED- Becky got my favorite precooked meatballs at the grocery store. They are AWESOME- add some spaghetti sauce and a big bun & you got yourself an instant meatball sub, which is pretty much my favorite thing. THE BEST PART- when you open up the meatball package, it smells like fart. Totally. You peel back the plastic and think, "Aww yeah- fart." This saves so me much time. No waiting around several minutes for gastrointestinal processes. This gets it out of the way before I even have to think about it. Interestingly, when the actual meatball farts come- they smell like flowers.

That about wraps up this entry. I'll leave you as I often do, with some dangerously photographed license plates attached to cars moving at high speeds on the freeways of Cleveland. Everyone is fortunate that I am so good at steering with my knees.

Tags: What? License Plates The Home Front Good Times Lunch

I'm in my favorite local (sort of) bar, boozing it up all alone on a Saturday afternoon. Becky's got the kids in Columbus visiting the sisters and I'm left to my own devices today. Also, in bigger news, I'm all caught up with work. I stayed up until three every night this week and just DID IT. My last thing was a new illustration for the hot sauce guys. Somehow these two mega-italian dudes (real characters, I like them a lot, plus they pay fast) who needed a label illustration for some hot sauce they invented got my name & I drew a three-quarters naked girl riding a donkey for them a year or so ago. Evidently the sauce for which I made up this illustration for has won some awards and is quickly becoming very popular. So much so that they contracted me to do illustrations for four other new varieties, as well as a new variation of the original girl-on-donkey drawing that will be reproduced huge and mounted on the back of a bus they just bought to travel around the country in. Fun stuff! Here's the new art if you're curious-

You might be thinking that this girl's feet are impossibly tiny. That's because the hot sauce guys have absolutely no interest in feet. Boobs? You bet. I recall several conversations the first time I drew this- "This is really great. Really. But, uhh-" "Let me guess, you'd like to see bigger boobs." "YEAH!, I mean, yes, the boobs could be bigger."

Yay! My pizza just came. BRB-

Okay, I'm back. A few things about Mark's Time Out Grille, the bar at which I currently sit. First, it never seems like it should be the right place to go, but invariably it is. I don't know why exactly, there are a few closer places I like just fine, but something is always wrong with those places. It's not like I get out a lot, and certainly almost never without the wife & kids, so I've learned not to take any chances when it comes to sitting someplace drinking by myself. The music here is never something I would pick myself, but it's always just right, They just played the whole first disc of Billy Joel's greatest hits, most of which I haven't heard in a long time (mostly because I was never that big a fan). I must say that old Billy (as opposed to the "new" Billy songs that came out after 1982. God I'm old) sounds better every year as pop music becomes more soulless and generic. Can you believe that these were "pop" songs when they first came out? Weird. Another thing- they are totally disregarding the new Ohio law that says there can be no smoking in public buildings. At all. Under Penalty of Law and fines and public stoning and all that. But there are people lighting up all over. I actually voted for that law (which I regret now because it's a fascist hypocrisy and a lot of businesses are hurting because of it) because I don't like to smell bad when I get home. But, for some reason, Mark's wouldn't be right if I didn't smell bad later. So that's all good. AND- the pizza is excellent. No lie- some of the best around.

I've been on internet hiatus since basically October, so I've missed a few things. Mostly boring things. Xmas was good, except that Becky bought WAAAAYYYYY too many toys for the boys. I was actually mad at her for it, but not because of the money- toddler toys really don't cost very much. It was just so much stuff, they'll never play with it all. They aren't even into opening presents yet, so Becky spent like three days wrapping all the presents and she & I ended up opening all of them as Ty & Casey jumped on couches and spilled apple juice. Casey especially couldn't care less about any of the new stuff, he liked the abacus that was the very first thing we opened for him and still hasn't played with any of the other crap. And all the new toys take up so much room in our house, you can't walk anywhere anymore without tripping or breaking an ankle on something plastic that was made in China or India or Mexico. I have broken five ankles since New Year's. Of course, Becky was upset with me because I was upset with her, and words like "SCROOGE!" and "YOU HATE CHRISTMAS!" were thrown around, but whatever. I have a feeling that no matter what agreement we come to before Xmas about a limit to what we're getting the kids, it will be egregiously broken by the wife every year, so I guess it's best not to fight it.

In October my brother & I took sort of an impromptu long weekend trip to Florida to visit our grandparents. I drove the whole way from Cleveland and back. That was a lot of driving, but I'm a creature of the wheel on these things. We could have flown, but it was cheaper to drive, plus we needed an excuse to come & go when we wanted. I love my grandparents, but a little goes a long way, know what I'm saying? They aren't getting any younger, and we felt we needed to get down there when we could. It was a good trip overall. Here's a picture I got from their neighborhood-

THERE'S FLORIDA!

I had written a whole long thing about how awesome and transcendent the Fiesta Bowl with Boise State beating Oklahoma was, but then my program here crashed and I lost most of it. I'm not the only loser here though, NO- it is you, dear reader, who is the biggest loser now. But, shit happens and I apologize for nothing. It was a really inspired paragraph, though. Lots of drama and whooping like an idiot and whatnot. Oh well.

Now it's Tuesday and I'd better post this thing. I leave you with the Xmas present I made for the grandparents this year, click this for the Tyler & Casey 2006 movie. I was trying to embed it into the actual text here, but I haven't got that worked out just yet. So, it's a 28mb QuickTime link for YOU! Might take a while to download. Patience....

Tags: I Am Professional Pictures What? Good Times Lunch Travel Sports

Honestly, I set out to get a salad.

I had it in mind all morning that I wanted a salad. This doesn't happen a lot, usually only when I'm constipated, or when my guts feel all backed up, or those times when I can't poop right. I went out with salad on my mind. "Gonna get a salad!" I said as I left the building, to anyone who would listen. They said, "Must be a little backed up today, eh?" and I said "Hoo-boy, you got that right!"

I drove to Wendy's because I like their salads, and the drive-thru line stretched out into the street. I didn't feel like hanging out in the intersection with my blinker on until somebody decided if they wanted a small, medium or large size combo; so I changed directions and went towards McDonald's because their salads are okay too. Huge line at the drive-thru! I didn't want to wait in that one either! And it's cold outside today, so no way I'm getting out of my car. No SIR.

Now I'm MAD. Mad at salad. I say, "Fuck salad!" and drive across the street to the Burger King where there is almost never a long drive-thru line and I don't like the salads so much. "Fuck salad!" I said again to anyone who would listen, which was no one because I was by myself in my car. I now wanted the opposite of salad, because fuck salad. I saw this poster for the BK ANGUS SHROOMS AND SWISS that looked mammoth and disgusting, and I was all set to order that when I got to the speakerbox. But then I saw it has lettuce and mayonnaise on it. You know what that is? SALAD.

I tell the girl yakkin' at me through the speaker, "What do you have that is the opposite of salad? I want a combo of that."

"Uhh... what? Ah- we have a BK STACKER, it says right here on the poster it is the opposite of salad."

My BK STACKER was two BK beef (not to be confused with real beef) patties, bacon, cheese, cheese sauce and pickles.

I'll get that salad in for dinner, unless I'm still mad at salad, in which case fuck salad.

Tags: Lunch Good Times

It's no secret that I have a preoccupation with vanity license plates. I think this is because, unlike some other states, in Ohio you have to pay extra to get personalized plates. And it's not like you can just pop in to the DMV and pick up your custom plate- you have to order it special after standing in line with the usual happy folks, wait a few weeks for some convicted felon to make it for you, and then go stand in line again to pick it up. That's some serious commitment to your message. You will forever be linked to that word or phrase that you went out of your way to bolt to your automobile, so better make it good. Every time someone sees your car, be it driving slowly by the schoolyard like you do, parked in front of the 24 hour porn shop by the freeway like you always are, or maybe catching a nap on the roadside after drinking your lunch again, everyone will know it's you because your plate is so unique. In high school I knew this guy who inexplicably loved the Cleveland Crunch, our indoor soccer team (previously named The Force, which was cool, but then Nestle bought the team and named them after a candy bar). Anyway, he got plates that said "CRUNCH" for his car. SO GAY I know. That's what everyone would always say- "Is that Frenz's gay CRUNCH car? That's SO GAY!" And Frenz was not gay, but those plates... totally. I used to make fun of his CRUNCH plates, and then he would say, "Well, at least I have a car to put plates on!" and then I'd say, "OH MAN YOUR CAR IS GAY."

It's true I didn't have a car in high school and I had to tool around my mom's blue catering minivan, but it made me feel like a big man to belittle others, even though they drove me everywhere.

Yesterday I was on my way back to work from Wendy's with our Big Bacon Classic combos and I saw a great license plate. I punched myself in the head as I realized I didn't have a camera with me, because I like a visual record of these things. But anyway, this lady was driving around (smoking AND talking on a cell phone) with this awesome plate, which I know was supposed to be read as "sweetie pie", but I guess someone else in Ohio already had that, so this lady had to go with "SWTY PIE". Of course, that's "sweaty pie". Now, because of this license plate, we're all thinking* of a raunchy G-string and squat-thrusts in a hot, stinky room.


*Well, now we all are.

Tags: License Plates What? Lunch Good Times

We're runnin' her a little thin here, folks- low to the ground, sputtering; we'll get as much distance in as we can before we have to ditch. Just hope we're not over a mountain range or someshit- a nice water landing is what we need. Someplace nice with a pretty beach. And little grass skirts on little native ladies. Beer. Ooh- DOUGHNUTS. I'd smite all of you for a doughnut. Or pizza- thick pizza. Thick as your arm. I like a thin pizza, but I want Court Street Bakery pizza. I wonder if that place is still there? In Athens (Ohio) I mean, they would close on weekends at one in the afternoon, but then they opened back up at midnight with giant sheets of gloriously gooey pizza for a buck a slice. Lines would form outside the door and wind down the sidewalk. Totally worth the wait, it was magic like Christmas Morning except with more cheese and less fake surprise. I would check on the internet for Court Street Bakery's current status, but I sort of don't want to know. If it's gone, I'll be sad, but if it's still there I'll probably also be sad because I doubt they deliver and certainly not to Cleveland within the next five minutes. Was I just talking about crashing a plane? What the hell was that?

I finished up things a little early last night (before 1 a.m.!) so I worked on the mayhems.com site a little. I didn't really add anything, but I made places TO add things. Potential and faux progress! That is perfectly fitting. Unlike these shorts, but I keep wearing 'em, they're old friends.

The keys of my laptop keyboard look like Scrabble squares, except black. They're not concave curvy and sculpted like regular keyboard keys, they're flat. I'm looking at triple word scores like you would not believe. NUM LOCK F6. What's that worth? 5?

Finally it looks like my brother-in-law Nick might have a break in getting full (or at least primary) custody of his daughter from Hallie, that psychotic (just my opinion, not calling names) he banged a few years ago, which is a whole THING just like everything else in my wife's family. The constant drama over there would make Tennessee Williams shake his head in disbelief were he not dead and whatnot. (Did you know he choked to death on a bottlecap? I didn't. How 'bout that?) I try not to get involved 'cause I like it quiet and boring, but the drama is so dense it creates it's own gravity and you just get sucked in. Anyway, I won't backtrack too much because I could type a modern epic here. I'll give you the amazingly out-of-context compendium special edition, the Shock and Awe version. I can do it in one possibly run-on sentence.

Hallie admitted that her mother, Mary, the grandmother who has made it her mission to ruin Nick's life as well as the lives of everyone in his family (and been fairly successful to this point, you'd be amazed what regular calls to various civic agencies by someone who hates you and has lots of free time will do), has been using dolls to teach the daughter, a three year old girl, what penises and vaginas are for in an attempt to brainwash the girl into reporting to authorities that her daddy has been raping her.

There you go! One sentence! Shock-ing and Awe-ful enough? I'm standing on an aircraft carrier in front of my "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner, waving to the international media assembled. Thanks, everybody- we've got those terrorists on the run now, boy! YEEE-HAAWWWW! I've got a flight suit!

Not funny, I know. Sorry. I try not to bring down the room here at Cranky Matty, but my mind keeps coming back to this.


Today's only Tuesday?!? You've GOT to be kidding.

Tags: Good Times Family Drama I Am Professional Lunch

I had heard that the Wendy's restaurants were discontinuing the "Biggie Size" value meals from their menus. The news report I had heard on this led me to think they were doing it out of some attempt to make our asses all less dumpy. No! It turns out they still have the Biggie size, they just call it "medium" now. And the regular, more reasonable (but still far more than any of us need to eat in one sitting) size is now somehow "small" And the Great Biggie? It's "large", which is quite an understatement, like saying Iraq is "problematic". At the drive through photo-menu thing they have beside the speakerbox there's now a picture of all three drink cups side-by-side. I almost crashed into the car in front of me when I saw the "large" cup- it is like the third funniest thing I've seen this year. It's really small at the bottom so it will fit into your car's cup holders, but then it sharply veers out into an expansive bucket for all your giant cola needs. It's easily as big as your head. I remember they were using a container like this to clean up the Exxon-Valdez oil spill. The WHOLE THING.

I don't mean to bag on Wendy's- I looove Wendy's! My Big Bacon Classic combo (small size) was both delicious AND disgusting, just how I like.

MY COMPUTER HAS A CAMERA

Tags: Lunch Pictures What?

Today, for lunch, I ate a hot pocket and three donuts. BANG-POW! I am INDESTRUCTIBLE!

For the record it wasn't a real Hot Pocket™, it was something they sell at my new Dunkin' Donuts which is basically a really fancy hot pocket only bigger. Plus, it was not frozen in the middle and it was not cooked in a dirty microwave (with apologies to Jim Gaffigan).

Here's a closer shot of the now famous Matt's Dunkin' Donuts. I'm probably going to jail for this because they have signs all over the place that say, "PLEASE... Do not take any pictures!" I think it's so they don't give away any secrets that terrorists could use to make tainted pastries. My God, just think of it.

I shot this yesterday with my brand new (SEGUE ALERT) digital camera! In the coming months I have an alarming amount of photography work to do, stuff that actually pays and that I will make money on and that people will hand me checks for. That means "professional" in my book, and my book is better than all your books put together. After three years of struggling to make my Nikon 5700 take decent shots, I just couldn't face going into another job with the uncertainty that pictures would turn out any good. Hell with that- I'm kicking it to the curb. Nikon- you suck. After much research and the activation of my super low APR Business Use Only credit card, I bought a sexy new Olympus E-500 digital SLR. I had considered the offerings of other manufacturers in the price range, but settled on the Oly for a few reasons. The Nikon D-70 was well reviewed, but it turns out that it won't use any of the gear I bought for the 5700 (including the TTL external flash), and there was the aforementioned Nikon Suckage issue. Next up was Canon and their very poopular Digital Rebel (whoops! Did I say "poopular"?), which at least statistically blows away just about everything in the class. Until you actually pick one up, that's when you realize it is built like a baby toy. If I am dropping major cash on a camera, I'm gonna need this thing to last for more than a couple hours. I'm not sure the Rebel makes it out of the box intact. After digging deeper I found that as far as digital SLR's go, Olympus has the nicest lenses available. For people who already own an SLR camera, this is not a great thing because Olympus cameras only work with Olympus lenses (for now), thus making upgrading hard because you'd have to basically scrap all your old gear. Since I didn't previously own another company's SLR and a bag full of old lenses, this was not a problem. I'd rather start fresh with nice stuff that is meant to work together.

And then there is the love aspect. THE finest photographic experience you can have is to go on vacation with an old Olympus C-2100 UZ. Light, fast, a whopping 10x optical zoom ("Ultra Zoom") that is electronically stabilized so even far away shots are always sharp. I got mine when it was new back in 2000, but you can still get them on Ebay. This camera has an incredible cult following, especially among nature photographers. People who use the 2100 simply call it the "Uzi". I will never part with mine, I'm even considering buying another used one just so I'll have another when this one dies. If I could get away with only 2 megapixels for pro work I would never have gotten another camera, but sadly the Uzi isn't great for studio stuff. For everything else though, there will never be an easier to use camera that takes better pictures. It never misses a shot. My much more expensive and higher resolution Nikon did nothing BUT miss shots. Live and learn.

Because of how much I love the Uzi, I went back to Olympus. My hope is to recapture some of that Uzi magic with a professional level digicam. To that end I didn't get the kit version of the E-500 that comes with the two lenses, I just got the body and some different lenses separately. One is a 14-54mm f2.8-3.5, which is faster than the smaller kit lens so it works better in low light situations, which is very important to me. But then I also picked up this badass zoom lens, an 18-180mm super compact beast. Because the E-500 forces 2x on any lens attached to it, the actual focal range of this "Ultra Zoom" lens is 36-360mm, or 10x. That's the same range as the Uzi! It lacks the electronic optical stabilization (Olympus had to discontinue putting that into their cameras because they lost some patent infringement case in court), but since the E-500 is overall a faster camera, the quicker shutter speeds make up for a lot of what that did. And this camera has 8 megapixels to the Uzi's 2!

I think Olympus realizes that a lot of folks are trying to relive old times with this new lens, because I just saw that they have put together a new kit that combines a silver version of the E-500 (the Uzi was silver) with the 18-180mm lens. That's just good marketing.

I've had the new camera a little over a week now- and it is GREAT. Even better since my tax guy says I can write it off on next year's return. WOO! If you're in the market for a very fun to use digital SLR that's very affordable (by D-SLR standards), I think you can't go wrong with the Olympus E-500.

Here's some more pictures! The zebra is not one of my children, but the others are.

Next time on Matt's Nerd Blog we will talk about computer monitors, which as it happens I also had to buy last week. Holy crap, what a wake-up call that was.

Tags: Lunch What? Kids Pictures Geekery

Sorry for the blackout back there, folks. Last couple weeks were rough! Rough like sex with Felicity Huffman. I'm certain Bill Macy is a mass of bruises. Work is maddening and crazy and frustrating and occasionally worthwhile. The kids are killing us with the no sleep tomfoolery. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL. Or if it was it was printed real small and I can't be bothered with that. Lots of things have happened, too much to type here tonight. In the coming days we're gonna have some techno-geek talk as I horrify you with how much money I just spent, as well as some brand new Tip of the Days as soon as I can get my head in an outside the box place.

But for now- a REAL TREAT- our brand new Dunkin' Donuts, shot today at a great distance from the driver's seat of my moving car with people staring at me funny. Let them stare, I got my picture to share.

Tags: Pictures What? Lunch