"Waaa! My baby doesn't sleep and I'm miserable! Waaa!" I'm shaking my head disapprovingly right now. Not at you, but sort of about you. You know, like behind your back to all our mutual friends. Because I'm a parent, and while I won't go saying I know everything (like anyone could know everything- c'mon!), I will say that I know that you're doing everything wrong. Oh man- if I shake my head disapprovingly any harder it will flop right off my neck.

Look- my kids- BOTH OF THEM- totally make it through the night until eight in the A.M. without a peep. Perfect angels! Maybe you just need to let that baby scream or something- he/she will fall asleep eventually. That's what we do and look at me... fresh as a daisy and smelling like a cool autumn breeze. And did I mention chipper? God DAMN I'm chipper. You can't see it, but I just did a back flip. That's right. I smell so fucking awesome you wouldn't believe it! It's a healthy, well rested musk I exude. God I love exuding musk! I've gotten so many nice compliments from breathless passers-by. Passers-by in these parts know a good thing when they smell it, and they aren't afraid to tell you all about it. Credit where credit's due and all that. I smell so frickin' good!

COMPLETELY UNRELATED SUBJECT- by some miracle my kids both decided they like sleeping all the way through the night and I only had to get up one time this whole week and that was for only like fifteen minutes. Also, I'm in a short lull freelance art-wise. The long and short is that I got a whole week's worth of solid shuteye and general me-time for the first time in... wait for it.... here it comes.... TWO YEARS. Give or take a month or so. Wow. Wow. Wow. Can I get a Wow? Wow. And I've hardly been kicked or kneed or stomped square in my balls by twitchy babies for almost seven days now. WARNING to all the new dads out there in Tronville, your balls are going to be violently abused by your twitchy babies. They love nothing more than jumping on your fucking balls. Fuck man, I wish I could tell you your balls are going to be okay, but they won't. I'm so sorry. About your balls.

I really seriously considered using my evening freedom me-time to make a couple posts here and shit like that, but I opted to go the super selfish route and rent some movies. Now, I have actually rented a few movies in the last couple years, but what happens is that I go into Blockbuster or wherever and can't decide what I want to see since I haven't seen anything in, well, two years; so I end up renting three movies thinking I'll find time in the forthcoming week to watch all of them. Then I end up returning them four days late and unwatched. Maybe I watch one, but usually I have to spread it out over three or four days in small segments. The horrible irony is that I half-assedly watch my segmented rental DVD's in this elaborate and fantastic movie theater in our basement I spent a lot of money and years of effort on. Now it serves mostly as high-tech romper room for toddlers to watch Elmo and Oscar and Big Bird. Seriously, what the hell happened? I had a lifestyle at one point.

Saturday I rented three movies. I've already seen them all! AND- not one singing puppet in any of them. As a bonus, two of the three were damn fine pieces of grown-up entertainment. One was a piece of shit (Domino), but on a certain level I enjoyed it anyway, because that was freedom shit I was watching.

Speaking of testicle abuse like I was before, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is highly enjoyable, even the ball shocking torture bit. I may be sort of desensitized to that though.

Tags: Kids Good Times T.V. Movies

I totally have no work to do this evening. Yup, just gonna take it easy, kick back, maybe finally post an entry here. After, of course, I get dinner for the kids. Then I have to walk the dog because we don't currently have a yard for him TO POOP ON (news on that in a moment) and get him dinner. Then it's bath time for babies, followed by playtime in their room and then getting them settled for bed. Then I have to water the non-yard (in a moment I said!) and walk the dog again because he refuses to pee in the driveway. Yup, just gonna do nothing and HOLY SHIT IT'S 10:45 AT NIGHT ALREADY MY GOD HOW DO I EVER GET ANYTHING DONE EVER??!?!?

I am the sort of person that rents movies and returns them unwatched because I never got around to it. King Kong sits on my dining room table, taunting me. You know how primates taunt, right? They fling their turds at you. Kong taunty-turds are big enough to knock over grain silos. I'm running out of silos! Dammit monkey!

Looks like I'm going to be a suburban slave. You might know what I'm talking about- those poor bastards who spend hours a day watering and preening their stupid grass on their postage-stamp plot of land so it is more lush and green than their neighbor who is out doing the exact same thing. I swore that I would never become beholden to my lawn because I hate yardwork and I hate keeping up with the Joneses and I'm allergic to all that's green and flowering. But now we have this brand new lawn coming in that I had a landscaping company install partially out of shame, since we had maybe the worst burnt up weedy mess on the street, and partially out of desire to have someplace where the kids could play without getting shredded up by thorns and nettles. Every day I've got my garden hoses and my sprinklers working early in the morning and late in the evening, the symbols of my new indenture to the tiny bright green filaments that are starting to pop out of the muck. I can't stop sneezing. I don't plan on being able to do this as well as most of my neighbors who are all retired and have nothing better to do all day than make their lawns glisten like perfect fucking emeralds in the noonday sun. I must say I'm making lots of friends though. I think it must be like this for women after they have a baby, it's like they've joined some exclusive club and suddenly are friends with all the other mommies and have so much to talk about. I stand out front with my hose in my hand like the chain around my neck it is and wave to all the other jackasses who will also be watering their lawns every day until they drop. I don't like these guys at all. But I can't stop watering, the grass will die!

Baxter can't touch his back yard, let alone pee on it, for like weeks. I've got a run set up in the driveway for him, but that isn't sitting well at all. He sulks all day. {Frowny face goes here.}

Happy! FINALLY my Venture Bros. Season One DVD's showed up from Amazon! They were held up in shipping, and it was just killing me. I will make time to watch these- life can go on hold for a while. This and Veronica Mars are the first teevee shows I've thought enough of that I needed to own them. I'm considering buying Battlestar Galactica too, but probably not. It's fun to watch and all, but I don't think I'll get that much more out of it through repeated viewings. I was really amazed at how much more I caught watching Veronica Mars' first season again knowing the eventual outcome. That show is amazing. Plus I have deep, sticky feelings for Kristen Bell. I was so relieved to learn that she's a 20-something that only plays a teenager on TV, because for a while there I was feeling guilty about the filthy, awful things that I was thinking about her and what I made the naked voodoo puppets I fashioned in our images do. Those puppets- they're insatiable.

Ooooh- in that world where there are no pants and I AM KING OF ALL I SURVEY.

Alternate caption #1: VOODOO!

Alternate caption #2: guh whoaa momma

Anyone heard this song by B.R.M.C.? It's The Balls.

Yes AMY, my kids are fronting an indie rock band. Actually, the fact is that I cut some of their hair like a year ago and by Becky's reaction you would have thought I'd chopped off their fingers. I totally didn't! It was just some hair! Jesus- never again. They will be some shaggy lil' devils.

Tags: Pictures I Am Professional What? Kids Movies Tunes T.V. Veronica Mars Kristen Bell Pretty Girls

Must make quick- very tired, somewhat drunk, need bed soon. Things need updated, here we go.

Cavs finally lost to Deee-Troit! basketball team in a seven game struggle. Awesome- I had a great time watching basketball this year, and the future looks bright.

My Bettie and Will finally had their baby after a weekend of collective held breathing. Big problems, but all's good- go look at this thing if you like baby pictures. I hate baby pictures.

I've been unusually busy, and the kids have not been respectful of my time this week. Sleep back to brutal after weeks of making it until 7 a.m. every night for a month. Dad not happy, kids don't care- still cute. Jerks.

This unusual busyness, it's good, but also bad. See, this is supposed to be my slow time- my sit back and watch the checks roll in time. No- BUSY. And I know that my traditional busy season is coming. It'll be graphic design crazy go nuts soon! I can only sit here and sigh. SIT... SIGH

I just watched the last Harry Potter movie- what was that? Goblet of Fire? Think so. Anyway, I really deeply enjoyed it. Very good movie. Best yet, they've finally got that thing down. Still won't read the books, that's for queers.

I opted out of Soupy's Wetpaint mod thing. I was really serial about the LeBron James site, which I think could be very fun if done right, but I just plain don't have the time. I think I probably could've done some simple shit and strung her company along for a while to squeeze a few checks, but I'd feel just awful about it. They're doing nice things with our interweb over there and I don't want to screw with their flow. Chainsaw is still the smelliest girl in Smellytown though. I saw it in National Geographic two years ago- the Smellytown exposé. Those guys won awards for that stuff, but at what price? Is an award enough for the grieving widow and three small children (one of whom is crippled or someshit) of the Smellytown story photographer who lost his battle with nose cancer? Is that going to bring that poor guy back? No. No it won't.

Veronica Mars will be back next season! That brings so much excitement to all parts of my being, especially the shameful ones.

Tags: What? Kids Pictures Movies Pals T.V. Sports Internet

Yesterday we went to the Indians game. I normally wouldn't have gone because the Cavaliers were playing the Wizards in game 2 of the playoffs and I was NOT going to miss that game on TV, but the seats she wrangled from work were in the luxury box, and I was assured that other people in the group attending the game would want the Cavs game on in the box too. Basically, I went to a live baseball game to watch a basketball game on TV. You are thinking, "that's the dumbest thing ever", but we had babysitting so I couldn't pass it up. Anyway, both my teams lost ugly, leaving me in a spot of half-drunk depression as we left the stadium.

But, on our way back to the car that we had parked in a garage several blocks away, we decided to take a detour up the street where they are shooting Spiderman 3. There wasn't any filming going on at the time, but it was pretty cool just the same. They have this three block section of Euclid Avenue cordoned off, and they've refaced most of the buildings with New York looking signage and details. They built a fake subway entrance into one of the sidewalks which looked completely real- it wasn't until we got right up to it that I could see that it didn't actually lead anywhere. The street itself was resurfaced with new lines painted on, which I can attest from driving on that normally potholed busted up stretch of shitty road just last week that this was all new just for the production. The best part was that a night crew was hard at work ripping a huge crater right in the middle of Euclid Avenue, obviously for the next day's shooting. Wrecked cars with New York license plates were lining the area, ready to be tossed around by interesting looking catapult doohickeys.

Not a completely wasted evening after all!

Tags: Sports Movies What? The Home Front

Today should be the last day of crushing work overload, the show bozos get on a plane in the morning. The show we're getting prepped for is the C.H.A. show in Vegas, which stands for Creative Hobby Assclowns, or something just like that. I've never been there, but they tell me it's huge. All I know is fourteen hour work days and sick teething babies make daddy cry. Fucking eye teeth- it's like non stop screaming all night. Eli Roth should shoot his next torture porn flick here*.

Tomorrow back to regular work overload, which will be met with joyful dancing and a six pack of Miller Lite.


* Addendum: as I was putting in my contacts, I realized the title should be "Hostel II - The Circumcision".

Tags: I Am Professional Movies Booze