This morning I got a call back on my voice mail from Step2, which is a company that produces rugged high end plastic toys and stuff for kids. We have a Step2 wagon that is totally boss. The kids like it plenty and it has a cup holder for my beer when we're at the zoo. It's perfect, and makes a great Halloween costume.

CHOO CHOO!

I was really excited when I applied for this design job two weeks ago (it seems right up my alley), and then disappointed when I didn't get a call back like the next day. Seriously people, I'm an incredible superstar! I don't have time OR PATIENCE to be waiting around for phone calls! Little did I know that large companies probably take a little longer to get around to call backs than tiny companies do. I've never worked at a big company before. But, I'm up for this job now so it's all good. The biggest drawback to the Step2 gig would definitely be location. They are in Hudson, which is about 45 minutes to an hour away. That's not a big deal as far as commutes go, but when you figure I'm already using $60 bucks worth of gas a week now just with all the extra driving we have to do for all Casey's school and therapy & junk, it is significant. I'd have to rearrange some stuff- maybe my Mom can do some more pick ups or something, but if the job's good we'll do it.

I guess I should expect a call from American Greetings too. I applied for a job there the same day as the Step2 posting. I was really shocked that AG didn't respond immediately, they are notorious talent vampires. But, they are also a big company. With an atrium covered food court! I heart atriums and food. Also courts!

Tags: I Am Professional Kids Pictures

I've been totally out to lunch for some time now, so those of you who have been wondering what's up or have been attempting to contact me, well, thanks. Everything's gonna be okay. I think probably there's a time or two (or twenty if you're a real sad case) in everybody's life where shit just doesn't go their way, and I'm jammed up in the middle of that at the moment.

No autism update today, I'm not up for it and I need to save some stuff for a big post on that anyway. Things have been rough in that area, sure to get rougher; we'll leave it right there for now.

Then there's the whole grandfather-failing-health thing, which is a real kick to the balls and a big problem for everyone involved. In the next couple weeks I'm driving to Florida again, this time with my mom, to see what we can figure out to do. We may have to force my grandparents to move back to Ohio, into my folk's house. That's not going to be real fun, especially since by the time we can make it happen it'll be the dead of winter in Cleveland. What really gets my goats about this situation is that both my grandparents are decorated WWII vets, my grandfather liberated Dachau for cryin' out loud, and they can't get any benefits from our awesome government. Money which is sorely needed, by the way. Oh- the paperwork is filed with the Veteran's Administration and has been for many many months, and we keep hearing that benefit disbursement is "imminent", but something or other is awaiting approval and my grandparents will need to wait another month or two. Another month or two has stretched now into January before anything is promised, and we have learned the hard way that the thieves and liars at the VA will probably find a way to make it a longer wait than that. The goal here, of course, is to tie up any benefit a vet may have earned in red tape and delays until the vet is dead and doesn't need it anymore. How great is that? Seriously, I don't have any earthly clue why anyone would want to serve in the armed forces. What a fucking racket they're running. And the punchline is that we have no real idea what sort of money the government will eventually pony up to help out- it could quite possibly be next to nothing, like enough to buy a bus ticket and a cup o' joe on your way to your glorious future of poverty and neglect. Hooray!

And where the FUCK are my doughnuts?!? A sales guy here we (the art department boyz) constantly do favors for had been asking to take us out for lunch or something for months as payback. First- we do not go out for lunch. Ever. Second, going out to lunch with this guy is punishment, not payback- he's a big head fucktard faux-hippie Bush supporting know-it-all bad mustache douchebag who always feels the need to make jello-brained smalltalk when clearly it is not necessary or even appreciated. So, finally, last Friday he asks again when can we go out to lunch, and I tell him, "Hey, Dave- we don't really have a lot of time for lunch. How 'bout you just bring us doughnuts? We sure love doughnuts! I'd marry doughnuts- they're so sweet and lovely. Bring us doughnuts!" He said Monday! We'd! Have! Doughnuts! And we wouldn't have to sit across a table from him pretending we're pals or anything. WINNER! Today's Tuesday. No doughnuts. I BOUGHT MILK. Fuck that guy.

Oh, and I just watched the first five episodes of Heroes this year. SUCKS. They all suck. Vague spoilers. Avert your eyes if you give a shit, although I assure you it isn't worth getting worked up about. My two dimwit dads? Hiro back in time? Peter has fuckin' amnesia? Awful. At least Kristin Bell nuked a lame bit player right out of the gate. MORE OF THAT PLEASE.

NOW do you see why I don't like posting these things when I'm down? Has this been fun for anyone? No. No it hasn't.

Fine- kid pics from the vacation that seems like it was a thousand years ago.

Tags: Swearing DIE DIE DIE Big head douchbags doughnuts Pictures OBX

Normally I'd just give you a list of all the sexy things that have happened since the last time I bothered with this thing, but there has been too many sexy things for just one entry, so I'm gonna break it down into component sexy bits over several entries. I think that's what the kids are doing these days with their Twitters and whatnot. This will all be very schizo and unorganized. You'll have to come to grips with that.

Been all over the place recently. First, we went to a wedding in beautiful New Jersey, which is not at all the cesspool the Sopranos led me to believe. Special shout out to the town of Basking Ridge, where every single person I met was the friendliest person I ever met. When the janitor at the temporarily closed train station drops what he's doing to provide you detailed instructions of the best way into New York for an overnight stay you know you're in a friendly town. You may say he was just painfully lonely and happy to have somebody to talk to, but I say he was painfully friendly, and since I'm an excellent judge of character I know I'm right and you obviously have trust issues you need to speak to your therapist about. Anyway, some pics from the reception.

PLANTS


MARRIEDS

We went on our usual vacation last month to the OBX, and that was just super. There was this tropical storm that was supposed to give us all sorts of problems, but that was some weak sissy storm if I ever saw one. It was good & windy for half a day and that was it. I'm conditioned to wake up before God does, so I was able to get this sunrise. He can't sneak 'em past me anymore.

YOU HEAR ME GOD? I'M WATCHING YOU

More to come soon- my Indians are coming on to stomp the Yankees again. Better start drinking!

Tags: Pictures Travel Pals Sports What?

It should be noted that I started this more than a week ago, and here we are, gettin' it done.

1. Great day in Autism! We've been having some minor breakthroughs in communication with Casey-Bean over the past few weeks. Nothing huge or particularly noteworthy to anyone but us and his therapists, but good nonetheless. Until today that is! While Bean was playing blocks with Ty-Ty, Becky and the in-home therapy person, he started counting them with actual numbers! You had to kind of know what you were listening for, it wasn't a clear "Six-Seven-Eight..." thing, more like "Isss-Ewehh-Eeehh..."; but from what I am told he started at six and went all the way to fifteen. Becky was super happy the therapist was there to hear it too, because sometimes it is easy to hear him utter some random noise and assign some meaning to it, even though it was really nothing. Like yesterday when he was throwing a balloon around yelling "BA-BA-BA", Becky insisted he was saying "ball", but he says BA-BA-BA a lot with no balls around to speak of, so I don't think so. Or that time I swear he said, "If the cast of MTV's The Real World truly exhibits the moral and social depths of character typical of young America today, we have nothing to worry about. Our future: COMPLETELY SECURE. What a remarkable set of go-getters they've assembled once more." I immediately shouted into the kitchen, "Honey- Casey's making sarcastic remarks to the TV again!" She said he was just blabbing nonsense, but I heard what I heard.

Anyway, he also may have correctly defined a block as "yellow", and also identified another as "circle". It is a cylinder of course, but people yell at me when I correct autistic children. Fine. Close enough.

I swear- it is our "close enough" attitude that gets us into trouble. "How closely linked is Iraq to terrorists?" "Close enough!"

2. Tyler news to not leave him out! He is now saying "please" (the magic word) occasionally without being prompted. This is huge, it has been like extracting teeth from an angry badger.

3. Amazing New Feature! Up there at the top you'll note there is a new thing on which to click, it is a new grand experiment! "Right Here, Right Now" is a photo gallery that will be updated often. I will be utilizing new technologies to do this, namely the internet and a camera. If you've not heard of these things yet- don't worry, you will. Gonna be big. I also predicted Star Wars would be a major hit when I was five years old, so my track record here is quite good.

Gadget side note- the reason I'm psyched about this new feature is because the iPhone can update this gallery on the go; just take the photo, add a caption & send it on its way from anywhere. I can post from the phone, but not unpost from the phone (currently). This will lead to many embarrassing photos posted whilst drinking, so I'd check back often, or at least before I get around to editing the gallery from a computer later. Fun! Right now there's several day's worth of crap there I've posted while testing things out. Here's an RSS feed too, but you don't get the pretty transition or download options that way.

4. Project update! Got the theatre brochure job back from the printer, came out great! There's usually a bit of a let down when I see a print version of projects because the print versions rarely have the vibrancy of the images on screen. Not this time though- thing POPS! That's nice. Here's the cover:

Want to see the whole thing? PDF version here. It's all flattened out, so you have to imagine it folded up.

5. It's only 2-1/2 weeks until OBX vacation! Little later than usual this year, hopefully we won't get chased by a goddamn hurricane. But because we're rolling the dice & going to the Outer Banks in the heart of hurricane season (and after the start of school), the rentals are dirt cheap. We always stay in a fairly nice place there, but this year it's like a fucking beach palace. HUGE. Completely ridiculous, especially since it will just be we four and my parents. But if I'm going to ride out a hurricane, I want to do it in style while watching a flat panel TV in each room. I'm going to sleep in a new bedroom every night. There'll probably be pictures.

6. Speaking of travel- this weekend we are ditching the kids and heading to New Jersey for a wedding- one of my old high school chums is gettin' hitched. We're gonna stay an extra couple days and hit the Big Apple- Becky's never been, and I've been there once like fifteen years ago. I hope to catch a glimpse of He-Man doing something heroic. If that happens, there'll be pictures. Hey Amy- is Mendham close to you?

7. Important TV News! I found Heroes just entertaining enough to overcome its more annoying qualities (which are numerous). Every time I thought I'd give up on it they introduced some plot twist that kept me coming back. Won't be so tough to keep my interest next season though- Kristen Bell has signed on for at least half the new episodes. And LOOK! Since I typed The Name, I get to post a hot picture. That's the rule, I didn't make it up. ALL THE PLAYAS IN THE HOUSE SAY YEAH!

YEAH!

Tags: Pictures Gadgets Autism Kids I Am Professional Travel Kristen Bell TV

In the interest of Gettin' Stuff Done, I haven't posted here in a month or so. We got so much done, didn't we? Oh, my- yes! Our accomplishments... staggering.

You all finished that book that nobody will shut up about, and that's neat. I got a lot of work done and played with my phone that nobody will shut up about, including me. This thing has been reviewed all over the place by too many people, and I don't have much to add to that except to say I can't live without it, and if anything ever happened to my iPhone, I'd actually drop dead like a coal miner's canary. It isn't because I even use the phone much. I get 450 minutes of daytime minutes to use a month, and over the first month I used just over 60 of them, which was tremendously shocking that I even talked on it that much. They roll over to the next month- by the end of the year I will have approximately 58,000 minutes to burn. And it isn't because of some cell-phone culture coolness factor- I'm actually very self-conscious about pulling it out in public, and as you know, I normally have no problems pulling most anything out in public. People are really curious about it though, that's for sure. But no- for me, the big deal about the iPhone is that I've got it rigged to give me step by step directions to get through my day. I have little messages and helpful warnings pop up all the time with pleasant beeps and buzzes. "Don't forget your ad deadline!" "Remember to take the double stroller to Na-Na's!" "Don't leave the house without pants!" And, amazingly, I have not been outside without pants since I got this thing. The neighbors are very impressed, they think Becky has finally "trained me" somehow. WHATEVER. You can't train ME. No WAY. I am the Alpha Male. I do what I want! But you can tell me what to do and I'll totally do that without question or hesitation.

On the autistic kid front: Still extremely autistic! Now with random, uncontrollable rage filled shrieking! Yikes. I said before that Casey was all calm and easy to take care of. Not so much anymore. He's upset a lot, like very. He's also started slamming his head into things when he really gets going. All this PLUS he's extremely difficult to settle down! We think it is because he's being faced with all these new challenges with his various therapies that he gets frustrated quickly and doesn't handle it well. It's been disheartening and sometimes soul-crushing. [BIG SIGH GOES HERE]

But, on the positive side, they've set up a spot for him at this great special needs preschool that deals specifically with autistic kids. He'll start in November, won't even have to get on a waiting list or anything. Getting him in isn't the only good news, however- the actual good news is that our city will be paying for it. This is what happens when the child in question has issues that the public school system is unequipped to deal with. Since it's the law that every kid is entitled to an "appropriate education", they refer these kids out to special schools. And pay for it! Which is about the greatest news ever as The Achievement Center costs FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR. That was in all caps because it pretty much has to be, doesn't it? So, in many ways, Casey is lucky to be as majorly impaired as he is, since if he were one of those poor suckers who is only somewhat autistic, he'd have to stick it out in public school with all the grinks and groinks.

MY COMPUTER HAS A CAMERA

That's about enough of that. On to our recurring feature, God Plates. I have one to show and one to tell, and you will not believe me when I tell it.

First, the show:

I think it was P@ that mentioned he thought it was weird that I'd find all these God Plates on cars without God Stickers. Well, I give you Stickers. You're welcome.

Now, the tell. Becky called me at work (on my iPhone [/jerk]) and told me she was driving behind perhaps the greatest God Plate of all, but she didn't have a means by which to photograph it, something we all regret instantly. I have to take her word of course, and though I have no reason to think she would make something like this up, we all need to take it as rumor at this point. However, this plate is my White Whale- I'll die trying to find it. But find it I will, for this Holiest of License Plates reads- and I'm giggling as I type- "HOT 4 GOD". Really. Really. Hot 4 God. I think if I can shoot that one I can quit.

And now what the hell- some cute children who happen to be mine. And yes, they need haircuts. No, I won't have anything to do with haircuts. I've learned my lesson well. The kids- they don't like having their hair cut. At all. So screw 'em. Shaggy a-holes.

MY PHONE HAS A CAMERA


MY PHONE HAS A CAMERA


MY PHONE HAS A CAMERA

I had some other stuff to yak about, but maybe I should save it and then there will be something else to post later. Pacing, it's all about pacing. And dick jokes.

P.S.- what's with all the huge boobs in anime these days? Man, in my day we were hard pressed to find so much as a B cup in Star Blazers or Robotech. And dude- we pressed. We pressed hard.

Tags: Gadgets Autism License Plates Pictures Kids Geekery

Now that they've stupidly killed Veronica Mars, I have no reason to watch the CW at all! I'm sort of a valuable demographic- 35 years old, college educated, gainfully employed, respectable household income (some of which is more or less disposable), kids, etc.; but whatever. They don't want me to watch, I'm cool with that. I own four TVs and also watch shows on two computers, but not one of those things will ever need to be tuned into the CW anymore. Nice!

I'm very excited because after this disastrous TV season, I've been able to gain so much valuable time. Of the shows that I still watch (and there aren't many), Veronica was the best. I'm still hanging with Lost. I gave up 24 four episodes ago and good riddance to that silly shit. I also gave up Gilmore Girls this season, and now that one's dead too, so I guess I wasn't the only one. It wasn't really bad this year, it just wasn't the Girls anymore, so out it went. I love Battlestar Galactica (and I have a project in the works for that- STAY TUNED), but I watch that one in three or four hour blocks because it seems more like a movie that way. The Venture Brothers was awesome, but the second season ended a long time ago. I claim to love all the NBC Thursday comedies, but I find I only really watch 30 Rock regularly, and I often let the others fall off the TiVo before I get around to them. I got hooked on The Unit for a while, because I liked President Palmer and the fancy military shit, but the writers have run out of good black ops stories so they started concentrating more on the wives at home, and those chicks are unbearable harpies. Terrible. I liked that sketch comedy show on VH1- Acceptable TV, but who knows if that's coming back. The Sarah Silverman Show was fun. Aaaaannnd... I think that's about it. Daily and Colbert sometimes when they're on.

Well, that means that on any given week of new programming, I'm committed to maybe two and a half hours of TV that is worth my time. That's an all-time low! Nice work, networks!

Damn you're fine, Veronica Mars.
R.I.P.

Tags: Veronica Mars Kristen Bell T.V. Venture Brothers Pretty Girls Pictures

We're checking out special needs preschools for Casey. A couple days ago we got to tour one of the cheap ones. It was really nice and I think would be great for Casey, but I think I want to see one of the expensive ones first. I want to see what a $70,000 a year preschool has that a $50,000 a year preschool doesn't. I bet the expensive one has better snacks or something.

No- not joking- the cheap one is 50K a year. Looks like we'll be putting some tax payer money to work for us for a change. The mind boggles.

Anyway, I have license plates to share! You know I usually just stick to God themed ones, but the first one I wasn't sure if it was or wasn't, so I took the picture anyway. The second, definitely all about God. The third one I just liked. Enjoy!

Cleveland is waaaaayy in the background!

Tags: License Plates Autism Kids Pictures

Fresh and new! Smells like a shoe! It's a new theme!

Not going to lie here people, I've been down in the dumps a bit lately. Lots of circumstances contribute to this, not the least of which is the goddam weather. But, today we have had lots of sunshine and it seems like spring is finally fucking here. Fuckin' A. The continual grayness of each day just grinds on me like a crackhead table dancer two dollars short of a fix. It's relentless.

WHOOPS! I should warn you- this entry may include some swear words because I feel like swearing a lot for no real reason. Little late on the fucking warning you say? Well fuck me! You're fucking right. I'm totally sorry about that! Totally fucking sorry!

AAAHHHH.... that's better.

Sad news that I was belatedly made aware of via Entertainment Weekly a few weeks ago- the singer for Boston, Brad Delp, killed himself. I'm sure I would have heard this much sooner if I hadn't given up on classic rock radio years ago. But late as it is, it is sad news nonetheless. The first CD I ever purchased was Boston's first self-titled disc, and back then CD's cost like 25 bucks, so that was a major commitment. That dude sure could wail.

Happier news- we've had some very productive meetings with various doctors and county representatives in regards to Casey's autism, so we're feeling good about that. Soon we'll know more about what hoops we're gonna have to leap through for school and therapy and stuff. More info later.

Did anyone catch the last 30 Rock? The main gag of the episode was a running Cleveland joke; Liz was considering moving here with her new boyfriend to get away from the pressures of New York. Usually these things are just mean pokes at our little town, but 30 Rock went the other way with it- making us look so ridiculously great that, if you didn't know any better, you'd wonder why everyone didn't want to move here. "We all want to flee to the Cleve!" It was very funny and kind of sweet. One of the writers on the show must be from here because they seemed to know an awful lot of tiny details, although I don't think they'd spent a lot of time here recently as there were several references to how great the clubbing is down in the Flats, which as everyone here knows is nothing but a crime ridden, giant river rat infested empty shell of what it once was years ago (the new Flats is the warehouse district). It was an awesome tribute in spite of some tiny dated details, however. If you guys haven't seen 30 Rock, please do- it is a great sitcom. By the hammer of THOR!

Speaking of hammers, I just found my good one in the basement and it MADE MY FUCKING DAY. I'd broken a whole bunch of shitty hammers fixing the fence that I installed last summer (incorrectly of course, hence the fixing part). I couldn't find the good one, and it was very distressing. That hammer has been passed down to me from my father, and to him by his father before. It's magic and ancient and nigh-invulnerable. In fact, if I'd had that hammer when I put up that fence, I'm certain I would have done it right the first time. It's that powerful. It would prevent me from stupidly hanging a fence fucking backwards.

And oh, Venture Bros. Season 2 on DVD. People- I can't stress this enough- this show is the motherfucking balls.



I leave you with my latest religious-themed license plate find. I shot this on the freeway this morning on the way to work. Since I can't look through the viewfinder of the camera while driving (that would be very unsafe for me and other drivers!), I just had to point in the general direction of the car and shoot like a hundred pictures. And, since I wasn't sure that I'd gotten a good one using that method, and I wouldn't be able to check until I was safely stopped off the freeway somewhere, and if I did wait to check and I didn't get the shot I'd have missed any opportunity to get the shot again, I decided the best thing to do would be to run this car off the road and just get the picture while they were flipped upside down in the ditch or smashed against the retaining wall. As it happens though, one of the shots I got on the road worked out best anyway. Hooray!

Tags: Internet T.V. Venture Brothers Swearing License Plates Pictures

B took the kids out today to the Natural History Museum with the cousins and Aunt Rachel and Na-Na while I stayed home and got very little done. That was all good, tots got to run around and Ty got to see the dinosaurs (Cleveland has a fairly nice collection of dino stuff, actually), which was a big hit because they are way more impressive at full size instead of puzzle-piece size like he always sees 'em. Casey kept to himself on Planet Casey as he does in public. He doesn't get upset or anything, he's just, not there, I guess.

But anyway, the museum was fine and then everyone went to McDonald's, one of the near-downtown ones with a playland. As you'd expect on a Saturday evening in an urban McDonald's with a playland, it was crowded and crazy with lots of little kids swarming around. This is Tyler's element, he's a fricking cannonball, he can knock around with much bigger kids no problem.

Casey was doing his thing, wandering aimlessly, focused on the drinking straw clutched in his fist. We've learned that autistic kids will often carry simple objects around and give them their full attention, oblivious to whatever else is going on; Planet Casey. He wasn't bothering anyone, but evidently he wandered toward another table where some woman, a young mother of some kid (or kids) in the playland, was sitting. According to Becky, This Person said, "Get That Away From Me."

Na-Na (Becky's mom Kathy) swooped in and redirected Casey and told This Person, "Oh, it's okay, the straw is clean," thinking that This Person was afraid Casey's straw was sticky or something.

This Person said, "No, not the straw- that kid. He's weird."

Becky took Casey's hand and looked at This Person. "No he's not."

She then loudly said to Kathy so This Person would hear, "Let's go now. We're bothering this fat, mean lady." That was met with the expected "OH NO YOU DIDN'T" and "UH-UH YOU COME BACK HERE BITCH" and silly angry stereotypical hand motions, as if This Person has no idea that she is both fat and mean. Whatever- like she was going to jump up from her Big Mac combo with the large Diet Coke to do anything violent. Becky packed up the kids and they took off without further incident.

I've got a lot to say about This Person, and it was probably good I wasn't there because it all would have gotten said and there would have been some big problems. Becky handled it very well. As it is now I'll not write anything more about This Person here, because there really isn't any point.

But, this is the first time this has happened, and it is clear to me now this won't be the last. This is going to be really hard, isn't it? I don't know what I'll do when some kid calls Casey "retard". I just don't know.

Autism in many cases, and I think probably with Casey, takes away the ability to understand the emotions and motivations of others. This is a small blessing in a way, because it may shield Casey from a lot of awful, thoughtless things that will be said by awful, thoughtless people during his life.

His parents are not so blessed, however.

Tags: Kids Autism McDonald's Awful People Pictures

You may or may not be aware that there was a pretty bitchin' snowstorm around these parts early this week. It was quite an ass-kicker, but we survived. There was a victim though- the phone & internet has been down at the day job since the snow hit and probably won't be back until next week. It's sort of like working in a well lit closet. No communication of any kind with the outside world. My boss has been freaking out because of all the phone & internet orders we're missing, but my paycheck doesn't change, so I couldn't care less. I'm enjoying the quiet & getting some shit done for once. Not being able to surf the net, listen to NPR out of Boston or even send an e-mail has been a drag, but that's a small price to pay for not having to talk to all the grinks and groinks who usually hassle me.

The hot sauce guys pay really fast! I billed out three illustrations on Monday and got a check yesterday, and that was with the post office being closed a day while we all dug out. Love those guys. I already showed you the girl-on-donky action in a previous post; here's the other two drawings I did for them (just to show these guys aren't only about girl-on-donkey action):

Therefore, today I bought $700 worth of tires for the Element. VERILY! On a related note- the tires only cost like $550, the rest was in taxes and fees the state of Ohio adds in. Holy Crap. Ahh well, I guess I'll be using the tires to drive on Ohio, so it makes some sense.

I've determined I'm going to take an unofficial vacation from freelance art for a while and free up some evenings for a some sorely needed living. You know- watch a little teevee, drink a little beer, post some crap on the internet, maybe grope the wife a little. Not simultaneously, I'm a great multitasker but there are limits to my powers.

And ooh! I could take some of this time to gear up for a job hunt. That's right, I am going to look for a new job in the spring. I think. I'm a lot of big talk, so we'll see how it goes. Anybody hiring? I'm only half the degenerate that I pretend to be- honest!

Tags: I Am Professional Pictures What? Car

I'm in my favorite local (sort of) bar, boozing it up all alone on a Saturday afternoon. Becky's got the kids in Columbus visiting the sisters and I'm left to my own devices today. Also, in bigger news, I'm all caught up with work. I stayed up until three every night this week and just DID IT. My last thing was a new illustration for the hot sauce guys. Somehow these two mega-italian dudes (real characters, I like them a lot, plus they pay fast) who needed a label illustration for some hot sauce they invented got my name & I drew a three-quarters naked girl riding a donkey for them a year or so ago. Evidently the sauce for which I made up this illustration for has won some awards and is quickly becoming very popular. So much so that they contracted me to do illustrations for four other new varieties, as well as a new variation of the original girl-on-donkey drawing that will be reproduced huge and mounted on the back of a bus they just bought to travel around the country in. Fun stuff! Here's the new art if you're curious-

You might be thinking that this girl's feet are impossibly tiny. That's because the hot sauce guys have absolutely no interest in feet. Boobs? You bet. I recall several conversations the first time I drew this- "This is really great. Really. But, uhh-" "Let me guess, you'd like to see bigger boobs." "YEAH!, I mean, yes, the boobs could be bigger."

Yay! My pizza just came. BRB-

Okay, I'm back. A few things about Mark's Time Out Grille, the bar at which I currently sit. First, it never seems like it should be the right place to go, but invariably it is. I don't know why exactly, there are a few closer places I like just fine, but something is always wrong with those places. It's not like I get out a lot, and certainly almost never without the wife & kids, so I've learned not to take any chances when it comes to sitting someplace drinking by myself. The music here is never something I would pick myself, but it's always just right, They just played the whole first disc of Billy Joel's greatest hits, most of which I haven't heard in a long time (mostly because I was never that big a fan). I must say that old Billy (as opposed to the "new" Billy songs that came out after 1982. God I'm old) sounds better every year as pop music becomes more soulless and generic. Can you believe that these were "pop" songs when they first came out? Weird. Another thing- they are totally disregarding the new Ohio law that says there can be no smoking in public buildings. At all. Under Penalty of Law and fines and public stoning and all that. But there are people lighting up all over. I actually voted for that law (which I regret now because it's a fascist hypocrisy and a lot of businesses are hurting because of it) because I don't like to smell bad when I get home. But, for some reason, Mark's wouldn't be right if I didn't smell bad later. So that's all good. AND- the pizza is excellent. No lie- some of the best around.

I've been on internet hiatus since basically October, so I've missed a few things. Mostly boring things. Xmas was good, except that Becky bought WAAAAYYYYY too many toys for the boys. I was actually mad at her for it, but not because of the money- toddler toys really don't cost very much. It was just so much stuff, they'll never play with it all. They aren't even into opening presents yet, so Becky spent like three days wrapping all the presents and she & I ended up opening all of them as Ty & Casey jumped on couches and spilled apple juice. Casey especially couldn't care less about any of the new stuff, he liked the abacus that was the very first thing we opened for him and still hasn't played with any of the other crap. And all the new toys take up so much room in our house, you can't walk anywhere anymore without tripping or breaking an ankle on something plastic that was made in China or India or Mexico. I have broken five ankles since New Year's. Of course, Becky was upset with me because I was upset with her, and words like "SCROOGE!" and "YOU HATE CHRISTMAS!" were thrown around, but whatever. I have a feeling that no matter what agreement we come to before Xmas about a limit to what we're getting the kids, it will be egregiously broken by the wife every year, so I guess it's best not to fight it.

In October my brother & I took sort of an impromptu long weekend trip to Florida to visit our grandparents. I drove the whole way from Cleveland and back. That was a lot of driving, but I'm a creature of the wheel on these things. We could have flown, but it was cheaper to drive, plus we needed an excuse to come & go when we wanted. I love my grandparents, but a little goes a long way, know what I'm saying? They aren't getting any younger, and we felt we needed to get down there when we could. It was a good trip overall. Here's a picture I got from their neighborhood-

THERE'S FLORIDA!

I had written a whole long thing about how awesome and transcendent the Fiesta Bowl with Boise State beating Oklahoma was, but then my program here crashed and I lost most of it. I'm not the only loser here though, NO- it is you, dear reader, who is the biggest loser now. But, shit happens and I apologize for nothing. It was a really inspired paragraph, though. Lots of drama and whooping like an idiot and whatnot. Oh well.

Now it's Tuesday and I'd better post this thing. I leave you with the Xmas present I made for the grandparents this year, click this for the Tyler & Casey 2006 movie. I was trying to embed it into the actual text here, but I haven't got that worked out just yet. So, it's a 28mb QuickTime link for YOU! Might take a while to download. Patience....

Tags: I Am Professional Pictures What? Good Times Lunch Travel Sports

I'm buried in work, so I've been limiting distractions like teevee and internet and breathing and sleeping and showering and masturbating and eating. Also masturbating. Did I say that? Because I'm totally limiting that. Just like the President used to say back when he still had balls, I'm "staying the course". I'm also limiting sexual relations (like with other people), but not as much by choice as I like to tell all my friends in the monestery. They think I have iron willpower, and we'll just let them keep on thinking that.

Anyway, I miss doing dumb stuff like typing words that appear here because it's fun. Also I miss other fun stuff in general, but let's not dwell on that. I know- I'll tell you about how everybody here is sick. Umm, that's it I guess. We're all sick. LOOK

!
MY COMPUTER HAS A CAMERA

It sure is dark in there!

I'm breaking internet silence to wish you all a Merry Xmas and whatnot. What? Not! AND I have some neato photos to share that will surely get your Yule Log or your Menorah burning bright. Sorry if I left out Kwanzaa in that last sentence, I don't know what people set on fire during Kwanzaa.

There's this house in view of one of the major freeways here that is lit up like the Grizwald house in Christmas Vacation. Don't believe me? Check it out- I shot this myself just the other night.

Every one of those bulbs is taped to the house so the strands of lights will stay perfectly straight and still in the wind. I would definitely do this if only I had some free time. Oh yeah.

That's all for now. I leave you with a dark picture of me & Tyler in the basement. Bye bye!

Tags: What? Kids Pictures Good Times

SIGH. SIGH.


SIGH!!!!!!!

The OBX trip was awesome, and Tropical Storm Ernesto only blew us one day. He was rough and I'm a bit sore. In the end he left like they all do, and all we could do is wipe ourselves off.

The worst part of being back is the underwear; the soft cotton grasp of responsibility imprisoning my privates.

SIGH.

Tags: Kids Pictures Travel

I'm guessing that everyone who is a fan of the Venture Brothers used this title for a blog entry this week. All the true fans anyway, the lame poser fans probably had something original and witty in their titles. Trying to make me look bad. Worse, I mean.

Something terrible has been happening to me the past few months, a sign of aging that I'm not sure I'm ready to face. I've been getting acute indigestion almost every time I drink beer. Third of the way through a Bud or whatever and heartburn detonates, I end up chewing Tums for the rest of the night. I think this is "The Change" that I hear people talking about. I'm much too young and pretty for this to happen now! I was planning on many fertile drunk years before The Change left me barren and sober! THIS IS NOT FAIR. I refuse to admit my good years are behind me. This isn't the end of the road- it's just a new beginning! Maybe I'll take up whiskey.

There is hope- today I've eaten three doughnuts and now I'm going to get a cheeseburger. Feeling like a million bucks. I think everything's going to be okay.

We still have tiny humans here!

Tags: T.V. Venture Brothers What? Pictures Kids

Got the big project off to the printer! Still lots to do, posters, postcards, ads, web graphics, blah BLAH BLAH but the hard part is D-U-N done! Two nights in a row I got seven hours of sleep! Brain... spinning up to speeed...

MY COMPUTER HAS A CAMERA

Expect more regular entries for a little while. By "little while" I mean "until the next thing comes up which might be in like five seconds". Day job is real slow this week so I might kill time there with posts here. Whoops! That is to say that I will work really hard and totally earn my paycheck just like always. I will go THE EXTRA MILE. I will give 110% EFFORT. I will WORK UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME. If there's time to LEAN, there's time to CLEAN. I'm PART OF THE SOLUTION, not PART OF THE PROBLEM. I will eat MANY TACOS at lunch and spend TOO MUCH TIME IN THE BATHROOM reading the SPORTS SECTION while TRYING TO POOP.

The wife has made the ultimate mistake and has been spending too much time staring at the web page for the house we are renting in North Carolina for our vacation at the end of August. That's like a month away- we have too much to do before then! Won't catch me doing that, I'll be totally useless!

I mean, "more useless!"


Whoop! Babysitter's here- time to go!

Tags: I Am Professional Pictures What?

Okay, maybe I could use a break. Lee downstairs looked at me and said, "Matt- you look a little rough." Hard to disagree.

GAAH!

Ah well, another project looks almost done. Want to see? Sure you do. Here it is- PDF download. POW

Tags: I Am Professional Pictures

Got another holy license plate! Almost in the same place as the last one. Maybe there's some sort of "Bad Spellers for Jesus" convention in town.

Tags: License Plates Pictures

I just got done with the Photoshop comp for another theater one-sheet. This one is Stuart Little. It's an illustration/photo mashup Tour de Force!

Close up of Stuart illustration


This is what we started with.

This was a real team effort. I did all the work and the kids slept most of the morning to let me. GO TEAM!

Speaking of the team, I believe there is going to be a big ol' twin sized case of Chicken Pox to deal with here. Those boys- they've got spots! Therefore, if you were thinking of finally stopping by for that long overdue visit, the next week or two might not be ideal what with the quarantine and all.

UPDATE: May have been jumping the gun to call "POX!" There are definitely spots though. I call "SPOTS!"

Also- why didn't anyone mention I spelled "Stuart" the "Stewart" way in this post when clearly it says "Stuart" in the artwork I've been staring at all day? Do you like it when I look like an ass? Is that it? Well I went and fixed it, so nyaaah.

Tags: I Am Professional Pictures What?

Tags: What? Pictures

This car was in front of me on my way home from work today. I didn't think you could get personalized temporary license plates, but I guess you can. This sucks because I was so going to order this plate for my Element. I suppose I could just go with my backup idea - "CHRISTICLE", because people like Jesus, and people also like popsicles.

We've been having a lot of fun with holy things.

Tags: License Plates Pictures

I don't recall ever being quite so gassy before.

I've been going back and forth between Helvetica and Century Gothic for my two super awesome and sooo tiny (but getting bigger every day!) websites. I like Helvetica for ease-of-reading, but Century Gothic has that old-school-design flair, and we all know flair gives me boners. Hmmm... flair...

It's Venture Brothers and then BACK TO WORK FOR YOU!!! I really mean "ME!!!", you can go on and enjoy your evening.

Had the cool fresh taste of Heineken Light yet? It is quite refreshing and doesn't reek of skunk ass like its non-light (or heavy) version. VERILY

I've been using "verily" a lot lately in places that I'm sure make no sense. That's why I'm a genius.

SCROOOOOGE! I believe this is our final. We're up over the thirty Photoshop layer mark, which is more than twice the magic necessary to make reindeers fly. I hold so much power in my hands- I TALK TO PLANETS WITH MY GIANT BRAIN AND ELEGANT LANGUAGE SKILLS

Thanks again Helen!

Tags: I Am Professional Pictures What? TV Pals

I know she is because I only work with THE BEST. She submitted two excellent photos for me to use on my Scrooge! project, and I think it is turning out quite nicely. I just now got done with the Photoshop comp, so you're seeing it before the client. They may hate it, but not me- I think it is super bad-ass and cool.

Here's the photo Helen sent that I used:

And here is the World Premier of the Scrooge! promotional image:

Bang-Pow!

Thanks again, Helen- you're a peach. Not fuzzy though. Peaches are fuzzy.

Tags: I Am Professional Pals Pictures

You might be able to help me in one of my design projects for FUN and PROFITS!!!

I've got this job for a regional theatre company, my best freelance customer. Among other shows they're putting on this coming season is Scrooge!, which will be their big Christmas family-oriented moneymaker next year. I've got to do the marketing images and brochures, posters, ads, etc. For Scrooge! they want Tiny Tim on Scrooge's shoulder, both gleeful in their newfound Xmas Spirit as they wander the streets in creepy period ecstasy. It will be moving, I assure you.

I have my Tim & Scrooge shot (which I am so glad I got, because this was the only one this kid would smile for), a serviceable logo, but no street. Here's what I've got so far. NOTE: this is basically untouched yet. I still have to do some things, mainly create a chin for Scrooge because they don't want the beard. This guy is an actor and couldn't shave because the beard is needed for a current show he's in.

I need a background! I'm not going to draw London. I'm just not. This is where you people and your cameras can maybe help me out for FUN and PROFITS!!!

Anybody got a picture of an old-looking London street with old-looking London buildings? Could you take one? There has to be lots of those things lying around that craggy old city. Or, it doesn't have to be London, it just needs to be old and English-y. It would be best if it didn't have easily recognizable landmarks or, of course, extremely modern portions that would be difficult to photoshop out. Really, the more non-descript the better, as I plan on blurring the hell out of it and making it look wintery. Oh- also, a daytime shot would be best unless it's nighttime lit by gaslight, which I think is unlikely since I know your time machine is in the shop right now.

Here are some examples of sort-of what I'm looking for:

This last one I'm including mostly for the perspective. If your shot has cars at the bottom like this, that's okay- I can take those out.

Okay, that was the FUN part, now PROFITS!!! Because this is a professional business-type transaction, I'll pay for a useable shot. How does twenty U.S. dollars sound? I don't know what that comes out in England money, like 12 shillings or something (an educated guess- I bet I'm super close). So if you have a shot like this just mouldering away on your hard drive, or can just step outside and take a picture with your phone or Insta-Matic or whatever it is you use for picture-taking, I'll Pay-Pal you bigtime. You will be able to put "Professional Photographer Person" on your resumé.

One thing- I won't be paying everyone who sends me pictures 20 bucks, just one super talented Photographer Person will be getting the cash. So I guess this is sort of a contest, but not really.

If you can help me out, please comment or e-mail me- matt @ crankymatty.com (except take out the spaces. We're so fooling spambots! Tee-hee!). Thanks lots in advance. I think I'll post this over at the WD too, what the heck.

UPDATE: Just wanted to mention that I'm only paying for an original, license free photograph. I could slog through stock photography sites and find something, but I'm trying to avoid paying license fees for something I'm just going to use blurry in the background.


In other news, this morning I stood at the kitchen counter for twenty minutes eating chicken skin. What is wrong with me?

Tags: Internet I Am Professional Pals Pictures

I had heard that the Wendy's restaurants were discontinuing the "Biggie Size" value meals from their menus. The news report I had heard on this led me to think they were doing it out of some attempt to make our asses all less dumpy. No! It turns out they still have the Biggie size, they just call it "medium" now. And the regular, more reasonable (but still far more than any of us need to eat in one sitting) size is now somehow "small" And the Great Biggie? It's "large", which is quite an understatement, like saying Iraq is "problematic". At the drive through photo-menu thing they have beside the speakerbox there's now a picture of all three drink cups side-by-side. I almost crashed into the car in front of me when I saw the "large" cup- it is like the third funniest thing I've seen this year. It's really small at the bottom so it will fit into your car's cup holders, but then it sharply veers out into an expansive bucket for all your giant cola needs. It's easily as big as your head. I remember they were using a container like this to clean up the Exxon-Valdez oil spill. The WHOLE THING.

I don't mean to bag on Wendy's- I looove Wendy's! My Big Bacon Classic combo (small size) was both delicious AND disgusting, just how I like.

MY COMPUTER HAS A CAMERA

Tags: Lunch Pictures What?

I haven't been updating often like everyone would like. Here's my excuse. When I sit down at the big computer, it's to work, not dilly-dally with the interweb make believe people that live in my machine. I imagine you all look just like the blue program people in TRON, except for those of you who voted for President Bush- you're red people. Your world is filled with constant danger, one minute you're in your light cycle dodging hovering tanks and the next you're blocking deadly discuses (discii?), all the while suffering horrible eye damage because apparently your sun is a giant black-lite. Plus Bruce Boxleitner. You poor bastards.

Back in the day I used my kicky lil' iBook for all my funtime goodtouch with the blue and red folks because I could type while sitting on the toilet (as well as other places too of course- DUH, but most noteworthy is the toilet), but that old guy is real tired and hasn't been real useful for much lately. It still runs and stuff, but wow! slooooowww

In continued celebration of this, The Year of Astounding Upgrades, I picked up a new laptop this weekend. It's sleek and black like my soul. I call it BLACKINTOSH because I am so clever and tremendous hilarity! Whoop!

The bad news for you is that this computer will make it possible for me to update this here site "on the go" like Go-Gurt. The also bad news for you is that this computer comes with a camera built in.

Ouch! Our eyes!

Tags: What? Pictures Computer

I totally have no work to do this evening. Yup, just gonna take it easy, kick back, maybe finally post an entry here. After, of course, I get dinner for the kids. Then I have to walk the dog because we don't currently have a yard for him TO POOP ON (news on that in a moment) and get him dinner. Then it's bath time for babies, followed by playtime in their room and then getting them settled for bed. Then I have to water the non-yard (in a moment I said!) and walk the dog again because he refuses to pee in the driveway. Yup, just gonna do nothing and HOLY SHIT IT'S 10:45 AT NIGHT ALREADY MY GOD HOW DO I EVER GET ANYTHING DONE EVER??!?!?

I am the sort of person that rents movies and returns them unwatched because I never got around to it. King Kong sits on my dining room table, taunting me. You know how primates taunt, right? They fling their turds at you. Kong taunty-turds are big enough to knock over grain silos. I'm running out of silos! Dammit monkey!

Looks like I'm going to be a suburban slave. You might know what I'm talking about- those poor bastards who spend hours a day watering and preening their stupid grass on their postage-stamp plot of land so it is more lush and green than their neighbor who is out doing the exact same thing. I swore that I would never become beholden to my lawn because I hate yardwork and I hate keeping up with the Joneses and I'm allergic to all that's green and flowering. But now we have this brand new lawn coming in that I had a landscaping company install partially out of shame, since we had maybe the worst burnt up weedy mess on the street, and partially out of desire to have someplace where the kids could play without getting shredded up by thorns and nettles. Every day I've got my garden hoses and my sprinklers working early in the morning and late in the evening, the symbols of my new indenture to the tiny bright green filaments that are starting to pop out of the muck. I can't stop sneezing. I don't plan on being able to do this as well as most of my neighbors who are all retired and have nothing better to do all day than make their lawns glisten like perfect fucking emeralds in the noonday sun. I must say I'm making lots of friends though. I think it must be like this for women after they have a baby, it's like they've joined some exclusive club and suddenly are friends with all the other mommies and have so much to talk about. I stand out front with my hose in my hand like the chain around my neck it is and wave to all the other jackasses who will also be watering their lawns every day until they drop. I don't like these guys at all. But I can't stop watering, the grass will die!

Baxter can't touch his back yard, let alone pee on it, for like weeks. I've got a run set up in the driveway for him, but that isn't sitting well at all. He sulks all day. {Frowny face goes here.}

Happy! FINALLY my Venture Bros. Season One DVD's showed up from Amazon! They were held up in shipping, and it was just killing me. I will make time to watch these- life can go on hold for a while. This and Veronica Mars are the first teevee shows I've thought enough of that I needed to own them. I'm considering buying Battlestar Galactica too, but probably not. It's fun to watch and all, but I don't think I'll get that much more out of it through repeated viewings. I was really amazed at how much more I caught watching Veronica Mars' first season again knowing the eventual outcome. That show is amazing. Plus I have deep, sticky feelings for Kristen Bell. I was so relieved to learn that she's a 20-something that only plays a teenager on TV, because for a while there I was feeling guilty about the filthy, awful things that I was thinking about her and what I made the naked voodoo puppets I fashioned in our images do. Those puppets- they're insatiable.

Ooooh- in that world where there are no pants and I AM KING OF ALL I SURVEY.

Alternate caption #1: VOODOO!

Alternate caption #2: guh whoaa momma

Anyone heard this song by B.R.M.C.? It's The Balls.

Yes AMY, my kids are fronting an indie rock band. Actually, the fact is that I cut some of their hair like a year ago and by Becky's reaction you would have thought I'd chopped off their fingers. I totally didn't! It was just some hair! Jesus- never again. They will be some shaggy lil' devils.

Tags: Pictures I Am Professional What? Kids Movies Tunes T.V. Veronica Mars Kristen Bell Pretty Girls

Must make quick- very tired, somewhat drunk, need bed soon. Things need updated, here we go.

Cavs finally lost to Deee-Troit! basketball team in a seven game struggle. Awesome- I had a great time watching basketball this year, and the future looks bright.

My Bettie and Will finally had their baby after a weekend of collective held breathing. Big problems, but all's good- go look at this thing if you like baby pictures. I hate baby pictures.

I've been unusually busy, and the kids have not been respectful of my time this week. Sleep back to brutal after weeks of making it until 7 a.m. every night for a month. Dad not happy, kids don't care- still cute. Jerks.

This unusual busyness, it's good, but also bad. See, this is supposed to be my slow time- my sit back and watch the checks roll in time. No- BUSY. And I know that my traditional busy season is coming. It'll be graphic design crazy go nuts soon! I can only sit here and sigh. SIT... SIGH

I just watched the last Harry Potter movie- what was that? Goblet of Fire? Think so. Anyway, I really deeply enjoyed it. Very good movie. Best yet, they've finally got that thing down. Still won't read the books, that's for queers.

I opted out of Soupy's Wetpaint mod thing. I was really serial about the LeBron James site, which I think could be very fun if done right, but I just plain don't have the time. I think I probably could've done some simple shit and strung her company along for a while to squeeze a few checks, but I'd feel just awful about it. They're doing nice things with our interweb over there and I don't want to screw with their flow. Chainsaw is still the smelliest girl in Smellytown though. I saw it in National Geographic two years ago- the Smellytown exposé. Those guys won awards for that stuff, but at what price? Is an award enough for the grieving widow and three small children (one of whom is crippled or someshit) of the Smellytown story photographer who lost his battle with nose cancer? Is that going to bring that poor guy back? No. No it won't.

Veronica Mars will be back next season! That brings so much excitement to all parts of my being, especially the shameful ones.

Tags: What? Kids Pictures Movies Pals T.V. Sports Internet

Sorry- no interweb fo me this weekend. THE FUCKING SQUIRRELS ATE MY CABLE. I'm totally serial about this. THE SQUIRRELS.

Anywhoo, I feel like I've let someone down. And I hate to turn this into a sports blog because there are much more entertaining ones than I could do, but I feel like I'm a traitor to my homer roots by counting the Cavaliers out against the smelly Deeetroit Pistons. I said they'd be "whipped" by those stiffs, and LOOKIE WHO'S GOT THE SERIES BACK TO EVEN TWO TO TWO. That would be my Cleveland Cavaliers and the mighty (and if I could be so bold to say supple) LeBron James. Series tied all up, BITCHES. That's right, I just called everyone on the planet a bitch FOR NO REASON. Playoff Fever! Catch It! Bitches!

Thousands of people write about what is happening with James every time he bounces a ball, but I'll simplify all that for you folks- we are watching the greatest basketball player ever in real time, not just in historical perspective. LeBron James is 21 years old and he is already ripping up records Jordan and Magic set- JORDAN and MAGIC. His teammates BELIEVE. This franchise was a fucking joke four years ago. Today they might be a few steps away from the NBA finals*. Shit.

*Getting ahead of myself? Maybe- but if... WHEN the Cavs win this series against Detroit, does anyone think the Nets or the Heat could beat them? I'll answer "no" for you.

Tags: What? Sports Internet Pictures

Is it just me, or does it seem like the country we actually should be thinking about going to war with we can't go to war with because we're already fighting a war with a different country that we shouldn't have started fighting a war with (for the second time) in the first (second) place? Does that about nail it? I've been listening to NPR lately, and they get me ALL RILED UP. This is dismaying because I just know that we'll be fighting a war against one or more middle eastern countries for a long, LONG time, and I've got boys who will be draft age in seventeen years (if the government waits eighteen years to take 'em in the future, maybe we run out of eighteen year olds and they gotta start hitting them that just got eligible to drive), and haven't we learned from the Germans that you can't win a land war fought on two (or more) fronts?

Well.

My Cavs won their first round playoffs against the Washington Wizards in dramatic and intoxicating fashion. They're getting hammered in the second round by Deee-troit, but that's okay because there's no shame in getting whipped by the team that will go on to be the Champs. Nobody's gonna beat those guys, they're AWESOME. Next year, though- it'll be ALL CAVALIERS- BANG-POW!

I took a picture! Actually, lots of pictures! On Sunday when I was supposed to be working I went down to the 10 story LeBron James banner Nike has plastered all over the building across the street from Quicken Loans Arena. It is hard to take pictures of yourself and stuff behind you when that stuff is like a million blocks away. WE ARE ALL WITNESSES to my patchy stubble and greasy hair.

It is HOT at work- our AC kicked back in my department, and we have no windows or ventilation of any sort. Today I was very moist and uncomfortable in all my Bad-Touch areas. Swampy.

Anybody hear the new Pearl Jam yet? Any good? I've heard it may be good, but I can't trust the word of strangers- I only trust the pretend people who live in my computer and occasionally leave comments.

Tags: Pictures Sports What? Tunes

Camera at work.

Tags: Pictures Kids Geekery

Today, for lunch, I ate a hot pocket and three donuts. BANG-POW! I am INDESTRUCTIBLE!

For the record it wasn't a real Hot Pocket™, it was something they sell at my new Dunkin' Donuts which is basically a really fancy hot pocket only bigger. Plus, it was not frozen in the middle and it was not cooked in a dirty microwave (with apologies to Jim Gaffigan).

Here's a closer shot of the now famous Matt's Dunkin' Donuts. I'm probably going to jail for this because they have signs all over the place that say, "PLEASE... Do not take any pictures!" I think it's so they don't give away any secrets that terrorists could use to make tainted pastries. My God, just think of it.

I shot this yesterday with my brand new (SEGUE ALERT) digital camera! In the coming months I have an alarming amount of photography work to do, stuff that actually pays and that I will make money on and that people will hand me checks for. That means "professional" in my book, and my book is better than all your books put together. After three years of struggling to make my Nikon 5700 take decent shots, I just couldn't face going into another job with the uncertainty that pictures would turn out any good. Hell with that- I'm kicking it to the curb. Nikon- you suck. After much research and the activation of my super low APR Business Use Only credit card, I bought a sexy new Olympus E-500 digital SLR. I had considered the offerings of other manufacturers in the price range, but settled on the Oly for a few reasons. The Nikon D-70 was well reviewed, but it turns out that it won't use any of the gear I bought for the 5700 (including the TTL external flash), and there was the aforementioned Nikon Suckage issue. Next up was Canon and their very poopular Digital Rebel (whoops! Did I say "poopular"?), which at least statistically blows away just about everything in the class. Until you actually pick one up, that's when you realize it is built like a baby toy. If I am dropping major cash on a camera, I'm gonna need this thing to last for more than a couple hours. I'm not sure the Rebel makes it out of the box intact. After digging deeper I found that as far as digital SLR's go, Olympus has the nicest lenses available. For people who already own an SLR camera, this is not a great thing because Olympus cameras only work with Olympus lenses (for now), thus making upgrading hard because you'd have to basically scrap all your old gear. Since I didn't previously own another company's SLR and a bag full of old lenses, this was not a problem. I'd rather start fresh with nice stuff that is meant to work together.

And then there is the love aspect. THE finest photographic experience you can have is to go on vacation with an old Olympus C-2100 UZ. Light, fast, a whopping 10x optical zoom ("Ultra Zoom") that is electronically stabilized so even far away shots are always sharp. I got mine when it was new back in 2000, but you can still get them on Ebay. This camera has an incredible cult following, especially among nature photographers. People who use the 2100 simply call it the "Uzi". I will never part with mine, I'm even considering buying another used one just so I'll have another when this one dies. If I could get away with only 2 megapixels for pro work I would never have gotten another camera, but sadly the Uzi isn't great for studio stuff. For everything else though, there will never be an easier to use camera that takes better pictures. It never misses a shot. My much more expensive and higher resolution Nikon did nothing BUT miss shots. Live and learn.

Because of how much I love the Uzi, I went back to Olympus. My hope is to recapture some of that Uzi magic with a professional level digicam. To that end I didn't get the kit version of the E-500 that comes with the two lenses, I just got the body and some different lenses separately. One is a 14-54mm f2.8-3.5, which is faster than the smaller kit lens so it works better in low light situations, which is very important to me. But then I also picked up this badass zoom lens, an 18-180mm super compact beast. Because the E-500 forces 2x on any lens attached to it, the actual focal range of this "Ultra Zoom" lens is 36-360mm, or 10x. That's the same range as the Uzi! It lacks the electronic optical stabilization (Olympus had to discontinue putting that into their cameras because they lost some patent infringement case in court), but since the E-500 is overall a faster camera, the quicker shutter speeds make up for a lot of what that did. And this camera has 8 megapixels to the Uzi's 2!

I think Olympus realizes that a lot of folks are trying to relive old times with this new lens, because I just saw that they have put together a new kit that combines a silver version of the E-500 (the Uzi was silver) with the 18-180mm lens. That's just good marketing.

I've had the new camera a little over a week now- and it is GREAT. Even better since my tax guy says I can write it off on next year's return. WOO! If you're in the market for a very fun to use digital SLR that's very affordable (by D-SLR standards), I think you can't go wrong with the Olympus E-500.

Here's some more pictures! The zebra is not one of my children, but the others are.

Next time on Matt's Nerd Blog we will talk about computer monitors, which as it happens I also had to buy last week. Holy crap, what a wake-up call that was.

Tags: Lunch What? Kids Pictures Geekery

Sorry for the blackout back there, folks. Last couple weeks were rough! Rough like sex with Felicity Huffman. I'm certain Bill Macy is a mass of bruises. Work is maddening and crazy and frustrating and occasionally worthwhile. The kids are killing us with the no sleep tomfoolery. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL. Or if it was it was printed real small and I can't be bothered with that. Lots of things have happened, too much to type here tonight. In the coming days we're gonna have some techno-geek talk as I horrify you with how much money I just spent, as well as some brand new Tip of the Days as soon as I can get my head in an outside the box place.

But for now- a REAL TREAT- our brand new Dunkin' Donuts, shot today at a great distance from the driver's seat of my moving car with people staring at me funny. Let them stare, I got my picture to share.

Tags: Pictures What? Lunch

I had a single minded, heart-aching crush on Amanda Pays in her Max Headroom days. I spent much of a summer at art school holed up in the library scouring fashion magazines for pictures of her which I would tear out and defile myself with animal aggression to later. I could not help myself, she drove me to absolute distraction by merely being alive. I only tell you this because I feel that Amanda Pays stands up very well to this day as a high quality object of hopeless teenage fanboy desire- beautiful and brainy, a female in control of any situation, a woman who demanded attention from her presence alone. Not at all like, say, Heather Thomas circa "The Fall Guy", for whom I rubbed myself raw for just because she had great cans. No way- Amanda was the whole package, the voice, the eyes, the accent, that thing that hot British girls do when they want to laugh at something but instead smile demurely as if to say, "I'll laugh at your jokes, but first you've got to earn it, boy." I suppose it cheapens this tribute to also mention that she had amazing, teenage-boy's-life-changing knockers. Wow. Wow.

Amanda Pays is now 46, has been married to Corbin Bernsen since 1988, and has four kids. I'm glad for her.

Tags: What? Pictures Good Times Pretty Girls

Tyler doesn't say too many words yet, but his favorite by far is "Daddy". I have to admit it's really cute, all high pitch on the first syllable "DA..." and then into the drawn out "...deeeeee!!!"

I think it would be even cuter if he weren't always greeting the dog when he says it.

As for the other one, people say that they hear Casey say words occasionally, but I think that's all just coincidence. Not that he's not chatty, he made up his own little language very early on and he will stand up and deliver very bombastic monologues with it. We are slightly alarmed that his speeches are almost a perfect impression of a very young Adolph Hitler sprechen from der Reichstag or something; arm stiff out front; hard stress on the very guttural words, the works. As far as we know he has not plotted the rise of any master race yet, so hopefully it is just a phase.

Tags: Kids Pictures The Home Front

• The URL which this site sits is most likely temporary. I have some other things in the works, and this thing is part of that.

• I hate the term "blog", so I won't use it. To me it is a very ugly and graceless word, like "pus" or "Donald Trump".

• You'll notice, especially if you have a slow-ish internet connection, that the logo graphic of my own cranky baby face I have in the upper left corner of the page is actually covering a picturesque mountain landscape. This was the graphic that came with this particular template, and templates are not easily editable in this program. Therefore, I just covered it up. Lame? Yes. Especially for one who claims to be a "computer graphics professional". I should say that I am a computer graphics professional with very little time or energy to make up his own website. Hopefully that is changing.

• I am writing this to get back in the habit of writing. As many of you most likely know, I used to post a lot over at the BuffyGuide, but then came the babies and more work & responsibility. Had to quit the fun stuff for a while. But now I'm finding I have a bit more free time and a jones to type words again. Fun, eh? EH?!!?

• I know what brings the traffic, so without further ado- some baby pictures.

Edit: I have figured out how to do some rudimentary edits on this template! So no more mountain photo. Next, I'm gonna try making the link type not have that blue background. Not a fan of that.

Tags: What? Kids Internet I Am Professional Pictures

This isn’t even a cute picture. Okay, a little maybe- but they’ve taken better. They haven’t displayed any of the unfortunate goony looking head problems that have plagued their daddy. But I’m still playing with this computer stuff and this Xmas pic was handy. I must tell you- I am really liking this Apple iWeb a whole lot*- I may ask it to the prom! WAIT- no- everyone I asked to the prom thought I was kidding. “Tee-hee... Matt, you’re so crazy!” and then went and had sex with the soccer team in the school’s groundskeeping shed while I watched MTV all night with my also dateless loser friends and a bucket of ham salad. And bagel chips! Mmm-MM!

Is iWeb as good as bagel chips and ham salad? You bet! But add a little Billy Idol “Cradle of Love” video repeated ten times through the evening and you have quite a race. I don’t know who wins, but I think we all know who the loser is.


*Edit: not no more! This was the one entry I made in iWeb before I went to RapidWeaver. When Apple gets it all together I may switch back.

Tags: What? Kids Pictures Good Times