You should be smart like me and keep your embarassingly shitty job for fourteen years until the economy goes straight to hell AND THEN go looking for a career change. Just watch those awesome job offers pour in! Like fine malted scotch into a Tiffany tumbler. Breathtaking.

BONUS: While you fend off rabid employers chasing after your crazy talents, you can also watch your 401k account actually implode with such velocity that nothing can escape its gravitational pull; not heat, not light, not even Viagra.

You've no doubt heard that "apples are nature's toothbrush!" NO. No they're NOT. Go buy a real toothbrush, you filthy hippie.

Congratulations on being scurvy-free though.

There may come a time when you just don't feel like you should be telling people what to do. Maybe you've hit a rough patch in life's highway, or something happens that shows you that you probably aren't quite as smart as you think you are.

When this happens, you should just know that nobody listens to you anyway. Geez- get over yourself!

If you're like me, you were super excited to elect a black guy as our next President, because how cool is that? However, since it turns out Barack Obama isn't a real black guy, you'll have to vote for a Clinton again to up your street cred. Sucks, I know.

Halloween candy bars and milk make your snot real thick. Don't take my word for it though- ask my boogers. BLA BLA BLA

I can make a booger talk!

Dogs sure love waffles, so you should give your dog waffles every day.

~Tip provided by Baxter, a dog who sure loves waffles.

Here's some information that you can use to impress people. You'll blow their minds. I don't know, but I'm thinking you can probably pick up hot strangers at bars with this, because it is so freakin' amazing.

Here it is. Ready? Okay. You know Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch? The giant gay canary and the filthy green thing in the trash can? Voiced by THE SAME GUY.

Wow, right? I know! Totally crazy! You're welcome for all the sex you're gonna get now.

You've been telling me for years that if you fall asleep at a Circe de Soleil show a French clown pokes you to death with a festively costumed midget, much to the delight of the rest of the audience. LIAR! The clown was Italian.

For the potentially suicidal out there: pick up a project for someone! Nothing like the possibility of missing a deadline to keep you going.

Unless, of course, the project is "Die by Tuesday". I hate that project.

Inexplicably, homeless people often have cigarettes but no means with which to light them. Next time you're in a restaurant or a bar, grab some pocketfuls of matchbooks. That way when some boozed-up vagrant asks if you've got a light, you'll be able to help him out.

If he then clubs you over the head with an old brick and steals your wallet, that's what you get for being friendly.

Today on National Public Radio there was an interview with some bishop who is like Big Chief of Bishops or something. He was all "Jesus this" and "Jesus that", "Look for Christ in others," you know, the usual. I'm giving that guy the same advice I think we should all follow- LEAVE WORK AT THE OFFICE. After a long day, just go home, crack a couple cold ones, maybe slap the wife on the ass, sit down to some Seinfeld reruns. Live a little!

Take me, for example. I'm totally leaving Jesus at the office when I leave today. It's like, "See ya Jesus! I'm outta here!"


That's me though, maybe Jesus doesn't work where you do.

What does it take to make magic? Fourteen Photoshop layers. Don't let anyone know I told you this, they'll kick me out of the Guild and David Blaine won't have me over for any more naked pool parties. And I do mean naked. That man can make things disappear like nobody's business*.

* I don't know what this means either.

As of today I've been married for nine whole years. That's one less than ten I think! 1.. 2.. 3.. counting fingers YUP! One less!

At ten the world ends, so better get your living in.

You know that refrigerator at work- not the main one, but that other one in the back room? The one that was unplugged for a while and nobody knows how long? You know that cheesecake you found in there with the three pieces missing? It was maybe three or four weeks old? Why did you eat that? You'd already had two doughnuts, a cheeseburger and a caesar salad. You weren't even hungry!

Just because you're still alive a few hours later doesn't make you immortal, you know.

That guy who packs your parachute? Make sure you owe him a lot of money, and not the other way 'round.

When you move into a new town, I suggest you take the bull by the horns and greet your neighbors right away with gifts, like some delicious pastries. And do it before they get the court-mandated letter about you in the mail.

Also, quit leering at that kid!

Don't use lemon scented detergent in your dishwasher. It leaves spots on all your glassware. I don't think I need to tell you how embarrassing that can be at your dinner parties, do I? Wow- faux pas!

Folks say that just because you know everything you don't need to keep shoving it down our throats. Fuck That. I say keep pushing The Truth baby, because you are FABULOUS.

Don't give LeBron James time to make the last shot, dummy!

I use only the freshest meats, cheeses and breads; but for my money, nothing gives a sandwich swagger like a thick dollop of moderately expired mayonnaise. That's an Adventure Sandwich right there.

Be careful to use your words wisely. Like, say one day you mention to a co-worker, "I can't stand conservative daytime talking head radio host Rush Limbaugh, I wish he'd just go away." While this is completely understandable, what if suddenly everything you say comes true and GOP puppet/liar/windbag Rush Limbaugh just disappeared in a whiff of haughty self-importance? Awesome, right?

BUT THEN it turns out that it was Rush Limbaugh's big fat drug-addicted ass that was plugging that hole in the universe, and without those pimply, Limbaugh cheesy butt cheeks filling the universe breech, we all get sucked through into oblivion!

Remember: you can always turn your radio off, but you can't get back into the universe once you get sucked out.


Edit: For those of you not aware of who Rush Limbaugh is, let's just say he's the only thing standing (sitting) between us and oblivion.

If you're going to build a nine million dollar glass monument to yourself, don't half-ass it- get the extravagant titanium hardware you like, not the extravagant titanium hardware some jerkoff contractor had already installed. You don't want anyone thinking that you didn't have the absolute final say in the construction of that awesome, er, block.

I just hope heads are rolling for this.

Dude- pink jellybeans will turn you into a girl. A fat girl with bad teeth. And cooties.

Told to five year old nephew who wouldn't lay off the fucking jellybeans.

You can cross Sudan off your list of Places To Go. It's crawling with Reavers!

God damn Reavers ruin all the good B&B's.

Stick a rusty shiv in anyone who says, "Spring has Sprung!"

That's so cliché.


Edit: YAY SPRING! WOOO!

Only use new stuff. Old stuff is just that- OLD. History, baby- only good for classrooms or conversion into petroleum products. Something gets a little old? THROW IT AWAY. New and shiny- that's the ticket! And furthermore- GOOD LORD I'M THIRTY FOUR.

Nothing will clean you out like kale, nature's brillo pad. Not too much though- you might lose something important back there.

There's that old story about how some tribe in Africa wouldn't let National Geographic take their photographs because they believed the cameras would capture their souls. I just want those guys to know that their souls are safe in case the photographers come back now. Digital cameras don't bother with souls, they steal PIN numbers.

Of course, that's way worse; but those African dudes don't know that!

If you have dreams of your children one day becoming doctors, for fuck's sake NEVER let them watch E.R. The poor suckers on that show are the unluckiest, unhappiest, most miserable and most killed by helicopter sons-of-bitches I've ever seen.

Except for Clooney. Duh. But he's long gone, man.

Please- check the split infinitives, okay? We don't need anybody getting hurt out there.

When the Bee Gees come up on somebody's random play and you don't smile at least a little, you are either A) too dumb to know what's good, or B) pure evil to the core of your murky, feculent soul.

Or maybe you just have the Night Fever. Better get that checked out!

You know it's almost springtime when you see the season's first ten year old girl in a tube top at the mall. Don't worry about her getting cold in the still frosty weather though- all that makeup keeps her warm. Some* might even say "hot".

*Mall cops.

Word to the wise from someone who knows: nannycams are everywhere! Trust me, you pick a wedgie, it'll be on the news.

You were really digging around for a long time back there, by the way.

It's time to take charge of your life! This is getting ridiculous. You can't let your mother control you anymore.

She can control me though- I'm totally into that. Your mother, is she a sturdy woman? Severe? Dishpan hands? Ooooh... Daddy like!

The press find headless bodies hidden away here and there in Baghdad sometimes. Let's be real- what major city wouldn't you find bodies in if you were looking hard enough? It's clear the reporters all just have an agenda to make it look like things are not going well in Iraq. So when you become an international journalist, stay true to your calling and be subjective, okay? It's not all bad! I'm sure there are good things too- like puppies.

That's all the President and I are asking- find us some cute puppies in Baghdad, not just the headless bodies.

They all said "get a life!" because you were antisocial and had stripped all human contact from your existence, preferring instead to play video games and masturbate shamefully in the half-dark confines of your disheveled, smelly, cave-like room. But then they all turned each other into flesh eating zombies after the alien plague hit. Well who's livin' now, fuckers!?! Who's livin' now!?!

The next time you make me eat six donuts, I'm going to kick your monkey ass.

Someday you're going to realize you've been an idiot this whole time. You'll regret so many things that you've done, people you've hurt.

But what a ride! Woooo!

HEY! Unless you've woken up completely soaked in somebody else's urine, you don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Note: context is for sissies.

Pickles are good because they are like mummified food. Be careful though- too many and your brains fall out your nose! OUCH! I'm dumb! I'm dead! I'm a pickle mummy! DILL!

Nobody's talking about the elephant in the room, but sooner or later that thing's gonna poop and I'll bet somebody will say something then.

Kidding! Metaphors don't poop!

Someone's got really big problems and they turn to you to talk about them. Go ahead and you tell them you know how they are feeling, and that's happened to you, and everything will turn out okay. Be gentle but strong- this person is looking to you for support, not for a crying partner. It may be that you are their last ray of hope before spiraling into darkness.

After the sex (which better have included some butt-play), you can go ahead and tell them that you really think they're an unlovable mess. That's your thing though- I think it's a little low.

If you make a record album before I do, it would be really uncool of you to use the title I'm going to use for mine- "Emerging Like A Motherfucker". Just find your own title, okay?

Some days you feel like you can't do anything right. But it's okay- Opposite Day!

Olympic Athletes who don't win anything sure seem disappointed a lot of the time. But, with hard work and perseverance, maybe they can be like me- completely without expectations. That'll loosen them up.

I'm loosey-goosey!

Just because you have a handicapped tag hanging from your mirror doesn't mean you're allowed to be a bad driver. So you go ahead and park in your nice spots, but let's keep it between the lines and moving along out there, okay Cyborg? Alright then.

You know how there's two-week disposable contact lenses? Well, that's total bullshit because I've been wearing mine for over three months and I didn't go blind until just an hour ago.

Man- you know you've really made something of yourself when they start accusing you of genocide.

Who's swingin' the big ol' dick now, huh? Cock of the walk, baby!

Doesn't matter how many times he saves the day- if I'm needing some protection, Jack Bauer is the last person on the planet I'd call. His track record in that regard? NOT GOOD.

He will end up standing over your corpse yelling "Dammit!"

Kids- no matter how much you need beer money in college- DO NOT SELL YOUR CD'S TO GET IT. Sell your blood or sperm or eggs or something. There will come a day, maybe not tomorrow- maybe not next year- but there will be a day you need to hear "Children of the Sun". Godammit.

Baby blood smeared in your shirt brings you luck!

I'm totally set because I have twin luck factories watching Sesame Street in the other room.

BONUS TIP #2!

I don't care how many African-American friends you have, if you're white as me you still can't tell jokes about black people. You just can't. That's the rule- I didn't make it up. My great-great twice removed plantation owning uncle made it up. He didn't have any gay slaves though, so those jokes- still okay.

Side note: I am allowed to tell as many jokes about Native Americans as I want because I am 1/32nd Blackfoot. And proud. Very proud. I am thinking about building a casino on all my government apportioned land.

BONUS TIP!

You should always have at least one gay friend. That way you can always say "I have a gay friend!" when you tell your off-color homo jokes.

If you hate stereotypes as much as I do, but can't get enough figure skating (and who could?), you should follow Ice Dancing exclusively. The guys who do it are approximately 38% less faggy. Of course, no offense intended towards all my male friends in the gay community (one!).

Don't feel like giving advice? You should just update your bio section. If people don't like it, tough titties for them.

There's not much sadder than guilty masturbation. So CUT IT OUT!


Okay, maybe just try to feel less guilty about it.

Nothing like a huge hunk of Valentine's Day cake that your mom made to help ease the crushing depression caused by your miserable sex life. Yay, mom!

I know I'm preaching to the choir, but I just wanted to recommend dark colored carpeting, like indigo or burgundy, to roll up your victims in for transport to the shallow grave site. Be it your pimp who got a little too handsy while you were both flipped on PCP, the nosy old lady next door who might have gotten a peek inside the tool shed and has been giving you the stinkeye for days, or the fellow hunter you accidently shot while taking a well deserved rest from your hectic job as Vice President; the seepage will clash with beige or mauve.

You've just spent four hours watching the Olympics because you had found the perfect ass-groove in the couch and didn't want to to move. Furthermore, you already knew the outcome of every event because of news flashes on the internet posted earlier in the day.

I'd give you the Gold Medal of Lazy, but my ass-groove is cozy.

Oh, right- the advice! If you haven't got a cozy ass-groove in your couch, there's still time for the Summer Games. Go for it! That's what the Olympic Spirit is all about.

I have one question for all you people who add iMixes to the iTunes Music Store with titles like "WE NEED AC/DC" and "WHY no AC/DC" and "AC/DC RULZ itunes SUX". Is there even one of you who doesn't already have the entire AC/DC catalog on compact disc?

I think your time would be better spent adding "WHY no RADIOHEAD i LUV them" iMixes. I believe Apple doesn't understand the extent of your LUV.

I'm not feeling advicey tonight, so I give you a Tip of the Day Classic!

If you use the expression "food for thought", please stop. Everyone hates when you do that. Get off your high horse!

And also don't use the expression "high horse".

Not a good idea to mention to the wife that you find that girl that lives next door to Blue's Clues Steve extremely boneworthy.

Because she is, you know. Boneworthy.

We all should hope they find that Wayne Gretzky is in up to his eyeballs with this gambling ring scandal going on. When living legends are exposed as frauds and criminals, it lowers everyone's expectations in what we consider great character in our public icons.

Those reduced expectations get low enough, I mean really really low, we can all look forward to my long and prosperous reign as Highest Holy Emperor of Earth.

If the biggest problem you have at this very moment is that your iPod has more Loverboy than Boston on it, well my friend- you are, in fact, the coolest person on this planet.

I only eat food that advertises "No Trans-Fat".

This has totally worked for me because I haven't been called "Trans-fat ass!" in years.

Y'know what? Mick Jagger still shakes it pretty well out there at age 82. You could learn a lot from that guy. Like, how to wear your leather pants so your colostomy bag doesn't ride up. He's a pro's pro.

The only thing Double Stuf Oreos get you that the regular single Stuf's don't is a thicker film on your teeth afterwards. And cancer.

You have a friend with whom you haven't spoken in a long time. You're really interested in picking that friendship up! Maybe it would be best, in that first attempt at communication, that you don't mention all the hot action you used to get when you worked at the chicken farm. It just makes everyone uncomfortable.

To all you dangerous chattering ninnies who drive around with your cell phones stuck to your head- everyone hates you. Don't be sad! If you download a funny new ringtone or something retarded like that I'm sure we'll all hate you much less.

When someone suggests you should take a shower because they are tired of how bad you smell, tell them that people in China pay good money to smell like that. It's not true, but how would they know? Unless of course you live in China, because then they probably would know that you didn't pay anything.

Hm. Maybe you should just take a shower.

Let's say you could give everyone a moment of joy. Would you? of course, because we're just saying it.

Now go jerk off the vagrant who hangs out at the abandoned playground down the street. Go on- I'll wait. No? Not so gung-ho for the mechanics of the situation are we?

I think our mouths should stop writing checks our hands won't cash in a hobo's pants.

Like it or not, no matter how good you are at something, more than likely there is someone out there better. You know what you do? Have one of your goons smash their knee with a crowbar before the Olympics. Foolproof!

Next time you find yourself stuck at a railroad crossing, be sure to read any graffiti you may see on the train cars rolling by. It really is a higher art form than people realize. You might at least learn a new word or two, and maybe- just maybe- a little something about life.

Today I learned "FUNQ-LishNAS XXX", and also something about bitches.

Don't be afraid to recycle old material for new laughs. You think people remember your ancient crap? HAH! Get over yourself.